A Dance (Post) of Craziness

Dance, when you're broken open.

Dance, if you've torn the bandage off.

Dance in the middle of the fighting.

Dance in your blood.

Dance, when you're perfectly free.

Jalāl ad-Dīn Muḥammad Rūmi

Last night i had another one of those sucky Saturdays where my friends forget about me and I'm all alone at home.

i (luckily) had one of my creative "sparks" so to speak...

here's what happened.

I saw a picture of something cool. I decided to copy it.

A+ for creativity, am i right?

k but really...

decided to put some of my old Teen Vogues to use (basically i wanted to trash the bitchez)...

I mean,  TeenVogue kinda sucks.

I'm pretty sure the Editors were like:

Editor #1: Hey, do you wanna make a magazine that'll make young girls feel terrible about themsevles?!

Editor #2: Yeah, that sounds like a great idea! Oh, i know, we'll make them feel bad not only about the fact that they're not anorexic like all of our models, but lets make them feel bad about how they can't afford any of the clothes in our Magazine, too!

Editor #1: Great idea! Now...do you have any thoughts on teenage drinking? I think that'd be an original first article...

You get my point, right?

Yeah so i decided to massacre those babies and heres what resulted

Pretty sweet right?

It's from this poem by Swami Kripalu:

My beloved child, break your heart no longer.
Each time you judge yourself, you break your own heart.
You stop feeding on the love, which is the wellspring of your vitality.
The time has come. Your time. To live. To celebrate,
and to see the goodness that you are…
Do not fight the dark. Just turn on the light.
Let go, and breathe into the goodness that you are.

I know, I know, i'm just all full of the good quotations and funny lines today. ;)

Then, today, still on a "creative" roll, (ha!), i decided to bake cinnamon buns. 

{Recipe from The Pioneer Woman and How Sweet It Is}

OMG.

Honestly though... WTF was I thinking?! They're pretty freaking labor-intensive for a lazy girl like me! But, um, it's pretty cool how something as lame as that big ol' hunk o' dough up there can turn into these...

and then these

You know when bloggers are all like "AND THEN I ATE SIX OF THEM"    even though you know they're really lying and just trying to make you feel good about yourself in comparison to their non-existent piggishness?

Well, um, and then I ate three of them and that ain't no hyperbole ladies and gents. 

None at all.

I now know the definition of a sugar coma. Or maybe its just the reason why this post is so damn odd.

All i can say is, who cares? There are cinnamon buns in my kitchen and pretty words on my wall!

sweet!

Peace out

xo

Rose

scones and snow

yesterday, i had to go out in this weather

and take a walking tour of manhattan.
oh the things that i have to do for my school.
naturally, though, i did what any secretly resentful dumb teenager would do:
I wore sneakers with no socks. Just to....ya know....prove a point?
maybe?
i dont know.
it was dumb.
i thought i was going to get hypothermia.
luckily, (very luckily), i didn't.
when i got home i made scones.
Joy the Baker's Orange&Dark Chocolate Buttermilk Scones
(i made mine whole wheat). yum.
i'd like to call them WWBOZCC scones. go figure.

 zesting was hard. i think i hurt my finger.
is zesting a word?
no. i don't think so.

 of course i'd love baking.
it allows me to make a mess in the kitchen and my mom can't say a thing about it. 

 for at least an hour, anyway.

 aren't these just sick?
I mean, c'mon guys, they have zest.

 yeah they were really good.
especially straight out of the oven.
Can i make a confession?

i made them 24 hours ago and they're already all gone. except for one.

My parents have barely touched them.

 And Willy hasn't gotten to them either.
Yeah. 
I ate them all. (Well, almost.)
yummmmmmmmmmm.

 I wanted to show you something.
I think it'll make you laugh.

Did you laugh?
Yeah, probably not. But you at least smiled, right?
Or cringed?
Either way, i hope you enjoyed my 90's Gap Hat modeling and my raving about orange zest buttermilk whole wheat blahblahblah scones. ;)
here's the recipe.
basically filched straight from joy's site.
i have no mercy.
xo

Whole Wheat Buttermilk Orange zest Chocolate Chip Scones.
or just WWBOZCC Scones. oh yeah.

1 1/2 cups whole wheat flour
2 tablespoons granulated sugar
2 teaspoons orange zest
2 1/4 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
6 tablespoons cold unsalted butter
1 large egg yolk
1/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons cold buttermilk (i made my own!)
1/3 cup dark chocolate chips
Place rack in the upper third of the oven and preheat to 425 degrees F.  Line a baking sheet with parchment paper and set aside.In a mixing bowl, sift together flour, sugar, orange zest, baking powder, baking soda and salt.  Cut in butter until mixture resembles coarse meal.  I use my fingers to rub the butter and dry ingredients together.    In another bowl, combine egg yolk and buttermilk and beat lightly with a fork.  Add to flour mixture all at once, stirring enough to make a soft dough.  Fold in the chocolate chips.Turn out onto a floured board and knead about 15 times.  Roll or pat out into a 1-inch thickness.  Cut into 4 large or 6 small  squares.     Place on prepared baking sheet and bake at 425 degrees F for 12-15 minutes.  These are best when serve immediately with butter and jam. (or clotted cream! ahhhhh)

2 truths and a lie.

remember that game, two truths and a lie?

I think it's one of those "let's get to know each other" things that camp counselors or trip leaders or michael scott would try to do to get a group of people to "break the ice" or get to know each other.

i decided that i want to play that with you guys today.

except, usually, in "TTAAL", you have to think of three stories (two which are true, one which is a lie) and tell them to the group, and then the group has to try to guess which one is a lie.

I'm not gonna make you guys guess.

1. Truth: I used to have friends

I used to consider myself a fairly "outgoing", extroverted person. I used to (by the time i was in 6th grade or so) have a fairly stable group of friends. I would walk into school every day with the basic knowledge of where I belonged, and the reassurance that there would, indeed, be people there who were at least slightly happy to see me on any given day.

this guy's always happy to see me. i'm his best ball-thrower.

This year has been a roller coaster, to say the least. Last week was my one-year 'anniversary' of going into treatment (for the last time), and kind of a big milestone.

I used to consider my social skills to be one of my biggest strengths. In essays that I might have to write about myself for various applications, etc, I would always write that i could be happy anywhere, as long as I had friends, and that I always had a way of finding friends.

I was never, per se, in the popular group at my school, but by the time i was in high school i never really minded. A lot of my self-confidence came from my ability to rely on  the fact that i was generally well-liked and sociable, and I usually thought of myself as, among other things, a good friend.

2. Truth: None of the above is true, not anymore. 

(it's okay i didn't break the game- that's why i wrote in the past tense!)

In the past year i: went into treatment, began my recovery, learned a heck of a lot about myself, ate, left treatment, started this blog, had a summer internship, started with a therapist (for REAL this time), learned to bake, started my 2nd shot at Junior year, and then subsequently had a total meltdown while seemingly floating above water (or snow) for what seems like a very long time (i'm pretty sure i'm still just floating).

That's a lot of stuff.

Here's a picture to give your mind a break

i forgot to mention that i've also begun a slight love affair with online shopping,
particularly Gilt Groupe. I bought myself this bracelet last week. mmmm. 

 Okay, back to me.

One particularly profound thing that has happened to me this year is that my whole outlook, being has seemed to change in terms of my friends, etc. I used to have friends. I told you that.

When i returned to school this year, it was made pretty clear fairly quickly that those friends were no longer going to be a big part of my life, for whatever reasons. I set out to find new friends.

That has proved to be really, really hard. So hard in fact, that i was about to give up, until I met C.

C is pretty cool. She's new this year too, but also slightly different from the other nyc prep-school (not to be confused with THIS awful television show, although i do[unfortunately] know some of the cast)kids in my class. See, C just got back from spending two years in a boarding-house in Holland. I kind of was drawn to her cause she seemed more worldly & less-dumbly-teenagerish than the other kids. We became friends.

one of my infamous B&N stacks lately. I bought a few, and will certainly share the deets once i 'dig in' :)

Recently, C became friends with a few other girls in our class, let's call them A and G. A and G and super cool. I've always kind of admired G. She's a little intimidating but pretty nice, and totally the prettiest girl in our school (imho)

I got a little nervous. C is my friend. And my only (real, female) friend (at school), if we're being honest here. What if she ditched me? Would i really have to resign myself to spending the next two years being that weird girl who walks around with her earphones in all the time? *shudders*

Then today, something happened, and i'm going to share it with you.

I'm pretty sure that i got royally ditched.

Yup, that's right. 

Gossip girl/skins/whatever teenage-high -school- drama -series -you- want -to- insert-in- here- style.

ouch, right?

Here, i'll tell you the story. Today after school, i went to find C to see if she was ready to leave. We always walk to the subway together and catch up on our days. She was sitting with A. They were planning to go hang out for a bit and then go over to a museum or something. I joined in the conversation and pretty soon it seemed like it would be alright, that i could go too (everything is unspoken, obviously. Aint you ever been in high school?)

 G comes over. She joins in. The four of us are making plans and everything seems okay until all of a sudden they decide they each want to split and go home and do work. On a friday afternoon. okay...

it's decided that we'll do that and then meet up tonight and go out for a little bit and then tomorrow and then go to the museum tomorrow, instead. Good game plan. We all walk out of school and part ways.

mug of tea, Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Larabar & the sunrise.

then, a few hours ago, C texts me and says she didn't realize but she can't do tonight because her parents had tickets to a show that she forgot about. Fair.

Then i texted her to say i didnt want to feel like i was inviting myself to their 'date' or whatever tomorrow, is she sure it's alright with A & G ? She texts me back saying that's not happening anymore either, she needs to be with her grandma tomorrow.

oh.

C never stays home all weekend. I know this about her. I definitely was unwanted.

I got ditched. Royally.

phew. that was a long saga, no? i feel like i'm back in high school again...  

3. Lie: I'm okay.

I'm really sick of pretending to me, to C, to everyone that i'm fucking okay all the time. I'm not fucking okay. I'm not. All of this sucks. so much. I used to be happy and have friends and be comfortable.

My biggest worry when i went to school in the mornings used to be whether or not i should have studied for that physics final (as it should be), not whether or not i'll have someone to sit with at lunch.

And drama like today, well, i'm fucking sick of it. I wish (i think) that people would just reject me to my face, instead of going about it in a roundabout way.

Maybe, you say, i've interpreted this whole instance wrong, maybe C really does have to watch the game with her grandma tomorrow, maybe i'm being overly sensitive.

Maybe. Maybe i am.

I hope i am.

But that's not the point.

The point is that i'm no longer myself. I don't feel like myself.

I'm anxious all the time and nervous constantly. My social skills have totally regressed to back when I was in 5th grade and thought that having the highest pony-tail is what made someone cool.

I recently looked up the symptoms of Social Anxiety Disorder, with the fear that i might have developed it. I never used to be anxious about anything.

 Notice that the only "tag" about moods on over there on the right ------------------------------------------->

is "depression", i used to be the opposite of anxious.

i'm sick. stayed home yesterday. made myself pancakes & tea for breakfast. YUM.

EDIT.

while i was in the middle of writing this saga of a post, my friend B called me. 

we just talked for an hour , 15 minutes and 43 seconds. 

i just told her everything. and feel so much better. and like at least i have a friend.

i'm going to post this anyway though, because i feel like this blog could use a kick of reality and real emotion on it. so here goes.

i'm hoping tomorrow will be a better day.

i'll buy you a cupcake if you made it all the way through this post. seriously.

<3

rose

so...what's my deal yo?

good afternoon faithful bloggees. (If i'm the tutor and your the tutee, and i'm the advisor and you're the advisee, then if i'm the blogger, you're most definitely the bloggee, right? right. settled.)


So i'm home from school today. Home sick.
Although here's the issue- i'm not so sure that i'm sick.
It's just that i have been feeling terrible lately about pretty much everything in life and last night i basically had a total emotional crisis moment and then this morning i woke up and my entire body wouldn't move. 
Ever have one of those freaky dreams where you are trying to move your limbs but they're paralyzed? It was kind of like that. But not a dream. Or at least i don't think it was a dream. And then i was all achey.


And my brain keeps on getting upset whenever i start to think about the things that are going on in my life (ahem- how hard school is right now and how much i wish i had actual friends in high school these days...)
and then my whole mind goes blank and i'm back in empty mode and i don't know where to go from there.


So that's the deal with me.

the way i can tell that most of this is psychological though (even though it's kinda crazy that it's affecting me so physically) is that i really just want to spend today baking this:

(http://www.joythebaker.com/blog/2010/02/bread-and-butter/)

i've never made bread before. ever.
bread is no easy task, folks. (even for a seasoned baker like moi) <---kidding. duh.
but i don't know about you but i'm pretty sure that if i was coming down the the flu or sars or something then i would probably not be feeling super ambitious and like i wanted to toil over some yeast and flour in the kitchen.


In order to at least save myself the added guilt of feeling like i'm skipping school so i can make bread, i'm gonna skip that activity for today. (and most likely forever. i mean, how could i possibly not come out of that feeling like a failure when my predecessor was Joy, baker extraordinaire?) I hope she doesn't mind that i clearly have a huge out-of-control bloggy crush on her. oops.


ok well now my head hurts. like really hurts. as in not a euphemism for i'm upset. so i think i'm going to go make myself some soup. and maybe nap or watch some bad tv.
if i take any pictures of my soup and it turns out looking warhol-esque or if anything interesting happens in my very uninteresting day, i'll be sure to share with ya'll.
happy friday :)
R

a pictures is worth...some jumbled words.

after my (only week-long) blogging hiatus, i've decided to share with y'all a few of the things that are attracting my vacation-drugged brain at the moment, in the form of photographs.

enjoy. that is all. 

1. (Deerlings.) look at that warm pink belly. doesn't that picture just make you melt, even for all those non-dog-droolers out there? i'm kinda (gasp!) missing my (psycho) puppy while on vacation. this picture of canine cuteness ain't helpin'.  2. (again) loving the Virgin Suicides. What i'm loving most about it, i have to admit, is the fact that it's actually getting read by moi. i'm pretty sure it's safe to say that the last time i actually finished a novel was in 2008. I used to love reading. somehow i lost my ability to get through a book along with my ability to think normally about food. perhaps they're re-appearing together? 3. (With Love From Angelica) shoes. pretty pink and dainty. what more could a girl want? [I mean...besides freedom, equality, an education, love, satisfacton...ya know all that feminist shiz ;) ] 
4. (Pruginko) snow is always pretty. it's especially beautiful when you're not near any of it.
5. (and again) white clothes are also pretty. and unnecessary in the winter. but who cares? I really need to go shopping. More on that and my lovely body image issues at a later date. 
6. (the little honey bear) i've been eating lots of white-flour, enriched, unhealthy, delicious toast in these past couple of days. And enjoying every un-grainy bite. You should try it sometime.  
7. (What katie ate) <--- i'm obsessed with this blog. (among. many. many. others. ) food, clothes, landscape, designs, all hiding in lovely little nooks and crannies of the interent waiting to be exhaustedly perused by moi. who created a site like etsy just for me to oogle at all the things that i don't need? ah, some glorious fricken genius, thats who 8. (booooooom) old fashioned camera. almost as cool as old fashioned photographs themselves. sick. 9. (Joy the baker) who doesn't want to eat about sixteen hundred of those pepper jack scones? I don't even like savory breakfast pastries and i want them. and pretty much everything else that involves dough and a baking oven. 


ta-ta for now! off to enjoy the sunshine :)
xo
rose