Confessions of a Chocoholic

okay guys.

i might very well have a problem.

i'll let the pictures do the talking.

don't tell me you don't want to eat that.

and these.

and definitely these.

i baked on friday.

it was lovely. i actually was sick on friday and stayed home from school but in the afternoon i got antsy and needed something to do so i decided to make some delicious chocolate chip cookies. Recipe taken from my new favorite blog, Joy the Baker. I actually just read a post by the lovely Rebecca about how baking helps her/ is a good reward/pass-time for her. I wanted to write about that too, although, I'm not sure i could say it more eloquently than she did. 

I love baking. Moreover, I love chocolate and everything i can make/eat/share when i'm baking.

On friday i brought two of my delicious cookies (they turned out better than my chocolate-sourcream muffins...don't worry!) to my dietitian when i went to see her and she told me that she had been craving exactly that all day. I love that feeling. Being able to give to people you care about.

I originally justified my baking on friday because i was making them for my friend K, who was in the fall musical that i went to see on friday and i wanted to bring her something because it's always nice to get a little gift after a performance, non?

I love baking because it lets me feel productive. Often times, with my school work and other things I never really reap the full reward, or feel accomplished or like i've actually done something worth s***.

When i bake, there's a concrete finish that i can see(and taste) for myself and give to other people and that allows me to share my love for other people and hopefully with myself, too. 

I haven't been a "baker" for very long.

In fact, the first time i really started baking was this summer, when i was feeling bored, lonely and at a loss for friends & something to do. Baking really helped me. It gave me a goal and an outlet...dare i say it  , in some ways, replaced some of the functions of my eating disorder?

Perhaps.

I mean, think about it.

I also made pancakes for me & my parents yesterday morning.
Buckwheat double chocolate chip+ just plain buttermilk.
yum.

I know a lot of people with eating disorders who say that their eds made them feel special or that their eating disorder is their "thing". I, personally have never related to this but i know for a fact that a lot of people do. Well baking makes me feel special. When i bake and i give my food to people, i'm giving them something that is all mine. They have me to thank for that delicious taste in their mouths. Not my friends or my enemies or my parents, me. There is something about that that i love. I love the feeling that those particular pancakes (yeah, up there, see them, the incredible mouth-watering, makes -me- wanna -drool- i- need -a-second- breakfast- NOW- ones?) Were mine and only mine. In that very moment, something belonged entirely to me, and their is something very uniquely rewarding about that.

legit foodgasm.

Baking is a time-killer. Its a hobby. And its definitely more fun than running/calorie counting/or bingeing and purging. 

It gives me something im "good at" or something that i can set goals for myself with.

It's a heck of a lot cooler to set myself goals of "Make the Best Chocolate Chip Cookies EVER" than "lose five more pounds", right?

right.

Dinner on friday @ Whole Foods: Incredible Carrot Soup + Savory cheese&something i don't remember scone.
thought i'd show you that i do, on occasion, eat thing that are not chocolate.

 There's also the obvious fuck you that baking is to my eating disorder, and i love/hate it. I made myself a promise recently that i would never, never never ever throw up something that I baked. That's just not cool. When i bake, i put myself into it, and it would just be sinful almost to get rid of that. That would be like giving myself the finger, which is something i try not to do these days. ;)

The lovely Tatianna recently wrote about eating disorder fears + challenging yourself in recovery, and i kept on reminding myself this weekend that my eating what i make/bake is a way to challenge myself. Plus, it's delicious and fun.

Never in my eating disorder would i go to that length to nourish myself with something delicious. I just ate whatever was "safe" for me, or when i was b/ping i ate whatever the hell i could get my hands on. 

Eating pancakes and cookies is freaking hard dude. I love chocolate, and its also one of my biggest fear foods. 

It's for that reason though, that i know its so important to my life that i keep on baking, and eating chocolate when i feel like it, whether that means i have a little bit at breakfast, lunch and dinner, or if i just have it once a day.

I need to be gentle with myself. And i need to challenge myself also.

That's what baking does for me.

Vegan chocolate cake that accompanied above dinner.
Point proven (note my title.)

xo, hope you all had a lovely weekend.

i've been sick and in bed the past two days, so i'm just living vicariously through the other bloggers out there right now ;)

P.S. Do you have any recovery challenges? What about fear foods, do you have any? Have you tried to tackle them or is it just too hard? 

Oh and also, am i the only total chocoholic out there???