Buhhhhhh-rain chemistry

Had an interesting conversation with L today about brain chemistry.
(That is, if you can even call it a conversation, it was more like one of our little episodes where i'm just napping chilling on her couch while she rambles on about life)  I swear to god i love that woman and listening to her craziness just about always makes my day...
Anyway, she started talking about how we are all wired really really differently, and we are all meant to function differently in the world, and yet people try to fit themselves into these little boxes (which I like to call "societal norms") even when that just isn't right for them- and i think that is just SO TRUE.
I've been really frustrated with myself recently because i've been feeling so lethargic, and i've been feeling like something is "wrong" with me. I get home from work these days, and I'm just exhausted. And i feel awful for feeling that way, because in my head, and in this society, it's as if i should still be a ball of energy and now i should want to go do 6489229404050 more things! I know so many people (particularly lots of ED people) who are exactly the opposite and are super hyperactive and can't ever sit still and are bouncing off the walls. *
Anyway, the thing L said to me which simultaneously cracked me up and got me thinking was "Well, I think you just need to become a Buddhist".
Seriously though. I really am just a very chill, relaxed person. Apparently, as i have been told by many people, I have a very calm demeanor. I move slowly, I think fast, but I act on things carefully (except for when i'm crazy and impulsive, but that's a different story) I think that he way that I am is just not the desirable by societal standards, and I think that's where I run into troubule.
I have all these things I feel like i should be doing, but really, I don't want to, and maybe I need to learn to just be okay with that? Maybe it's just the way i'm hard-wired?


Anyway, it's super duper gross out today, I dont understand July city weather! I hate it so much! One day (aka yesterday when  I had to run/walk 60 blocks to do an errand for my boss!) it's like 100 degrees and disgustingly sunny out and then today its like torrential rain. WHAT THE HELL?! The rain also totally adds to my lethargy, which is very frustrating, and not at ALL good for my overall productivity at work (which was, today, about zilch)


Right now I'm reading the book Born Round by Frank Bruni. It's a memoir that i picked up because I remember reading a piece of his "I Was a Baby Bulimic" in the New York Times Magazine.Click here to read it. (it's not nearly as weird as it sounds, btw) One of the lines that I picked out from the book though, seems to fit well with this post...


"Born round, you don't die square"


Ok, that was my random thought for the day, on to research how to convert to buddhism...
Peace.
R


* I think it would be interesting to look at brain images and see where people with different diagnoses of eating disorders fit on the spectrum of slow-brain - fast brain lol i'm so technical!!! put it this way: RoseBrain-BouncingOffTheWalls/SuperProductive/Energetic Brain
I have a hunch that those on the bulimia side of the spectrum would be on the Rose camp, while those with tending towards AN would be more likely on the other side. I'm guessing this also could be correlated with the hyperactivity that often occurs with starvation induced in AN? Hmph. 

How To Grieve

That is my latest google search. 
Genius, right?
I kind of came to the conclusion today that a lot of my sadness and pain (and hence, eating disorder shit) is the result of me really really really freaking really missing my therapist from my Tx center, R.
And that really sucks.
First off, it sucks to admit it. It sucks to admit that I am that vulnerable, that I care so much about her, and needed her so much, and trusted and liked and loved her so much that I can feel this much pain because that is gone. It's embarrassing. Its as if I don't like people knowing that they mean that much to me. I can't tell R that she means that much to me, that, again, would be "too vulnerable". 
It sucks because I almost feel like i don't want to grieve this loss. I don't want to admit that it's necessary. That, my friends, brings us, I think, to the first stage of grief: Denial. It's like i want to just stay in this little bubble of "not caring" (which is, and always has been, my default when i sense ANY pain) rather than just accepting that fact that I feel this way, and that I need to really deal with this loss and the pain, vulnerability, and embarrassment that it brings me. 
The second stage of grief is Anger. And yep, I totally feel that. An excerpt from my journal tonight:

"I miss R so much. I feel so angry at her for not being here. I am so angry at her for saying what she said tonight. I’m pretty sure the only thing that she could’ve said that would NOT have made me angry would have been 'I love you too and I miss you too so much and its okay for you to miss me because I can still BE in your life'. But she didn’t say that."

And the frustrating, simple truth of the matter is this : she CAN'T say what I wish she would say (the one thing that would NOT make me angry) because that's just not possible. She legally and physically and also, probably, emotionally, cannot be in my life anymore, except in little tidbits that to me, feel vastly insufficient. 
The third stage of grief is Bargaining, or "attempting to make deals with or begging, wishing, or praying for the loved one to come back". I don't think I've done this yet and I really don't think I will. But, hey, seeing my track record --- I might very well soon call R and beg her to fly out to NYC and live with me, eh?  ;)
Next, number four, is Depression: "overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal."
Well I know what that feels like...and I'm pretty sure I'm already in/moving through that one.
And finally, the hoped for numero cinco : Acceptance. "a decision to be at peace with the way things are.  To know that no amount of denial, bargaining, anger or depression is going to recover our loss.  We begin to accept that loss is part of life.  It's not good or bad...just how it is.  So we decide to go on, to find joy in our lives and to bring joy to the lives of others. "
I know I've heard of Radical Acceptance, as is discussed/taught in DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy), but i have never been very good at it, and so i suspect that number five might be a little bit of a toughie for me, but i know its something i need to work towards.
A final excerpt from my journal, which has some insight, along with some big questions...


"But isn’t fighting that suffering, that missing her, going to make it worse. Isn’t the rejection of suffering the cause of all suffering or some Buddhist shit like that? Then doesn’t that mean that I’m just making it WORSE by trying to find some way to not feel that? Yes. Yes it does. But how do I feel that? How do I allow myself to feel that much pain, and just let it be okay, and know that it will pass, even when I’m not really sure that it will. It just feels like more pain than I’ve ever sat with before. It feels like the biggest pain ever. Maybe I’m just being impatient? I think I kind of have a hard time with acceptance because I feel like…okay---I've accepted it…now what?"

The Game

So i was watching one of my favorite YouTuber's today (The Vlogbrothers - check them out if you dont already know them!) and his video seemed very relevant to how I have been trying to remember to think about things recently.

He was talking about how "The only way to win "the game" is to not know that you are playing it" and "once you know that you are playing it, you have already lost". 

Basically, it's an interesting concept that has a lot to do with (and he says this) the Buddhist idea that "All desire leads to loss". Like you can't LOSE anything if you don't desire it in the first place.

Hank was more concretely referring, I think, to some dumb mind game that little kids are into, but "the game" is pretty much a metaphor for life.

Click here to watch Hank's video!

Anyway, on from that. 

I've been having a really rough time lately. I've just been feeling really lonely and aimless. My food has been fine, and I am proud of myself in that I really seem to have a tight grip on this whole "not fucking with my food" kinda concept, and i guess it's pretty great. The problem is that my head is still kinda crazy and i still feel kinda awful but i'm hoping i'll be more distracted soon once i start my summer Intro to Sociology class up at Fordham! :)

I really need to be a therapist. The only thing that made me feel at ALL better today was trying to help and support my friend over the phone. I'm so excited that i've found what I want to do with my life. It's all I ever want to think about. MMMMMM. :)

Going to copy Kim (one of my favorite Bloggers) and try to do gratitudes at the end of my posts ;)

1) I had the most delicious Ben & Jerry's Cinnamon Bun ice cream tonight with my family tonight. I am so grateful that I can enjoy things like that now. 

2) My friend Kristin called me!

3) My family was incredible today, I love them all so much.

Goodnight!

xxx

Rose

Madness

I couldn't decide what to title this post, but i decided that relating to my blog title, and considering the day i have had- "Madness" would be appropriate.


Nothing too "Mad" really has appeared to happen to me today.
I went to my day program, which i am soon transitioning out of.
I ate my food, kept it, sat in therapy, la di da.
I saw a movie (currently to remain nameless, out of shame) with my mother, took a nap, went out to dinner with my family.
The Madness i am referring to is in my head.
It has been a really rough couple of weeks. Lots of ups and downs, mostly downs with some sides of ups. Needless to say, I have felt quite mad.
I have finally learned that when i start focusing on my eating and exercising in an obsessive, unhealthy way- that is a red flag for me that SOMETHING IS BOTHERING ME.
In the recent past, my approach has been to try to figure out what that thing was, so that i could "solve the problem" so to speak, and move on with my life.
What i think i am slowly learning right now is that sometimes it really is necessary to just sit with the "madness" and not to do anything about it.
This concept of not doing anything is pretty ridiculous to most of us in this day and age, especially those of us with the temperament conducive to eating disorders (perfectionistic, over-achieveing, high- strung, hypersensitive to the surrounding environment).
What i am saying, in short, is that i have felt like shit the past couple of weeks and today i think it came to a peak. I felt awful, drained, sad, angry, scared, confused, nervous, anxious and lonely.


Instead of trying to distract myself, problem-solve or even self-soothe, I sat on my bed, stared at my comforter, closed my eyes, and allowed myself to really feel it.


I'm feeling calmer now, appreciating the air conditioning as it cools my scorching hot bedroom and i think i feel some greater understanding of the before madness that was occupying my head.
Maybe there is something to be said or actually, whaddya know--- feeling our emotions?!
Who woulda thunk it?! What a novel idea.


I make fun, but really, feeling strong emotions is hard work, and i encourage everybody to do it. A
As a yogi in training (YIT) i should know- resistance to suffering is, in fact, the cause of all suffering.


Namaste.