numbers are just...well, numbers.

i think the above statement is pretty obvious.
(it also reminds me of when my SAT tutor was trying to explain some probability problem to me and she ended up just saying "well, cause one...itself, it's one"  :)
but it's also one of my mantra these days. probably one of the most important things for me to remember at this point in my life.

why, then, if this is such a simple statement, is it so hard to remember???
why is it so difficult for me to see a number below, say, a 90 on an essay, and to just be O.K.?
why, is it so difficult for me to see a number one the scale slightly higher than it was a few weeks ago and just, be O.K. with that, too? (what about numbers of blog posts per month?! <---- i kid, i kid. kinda.)

what's the deal here?

perhaps this study on set-shifting difficulties in people with eating disorders can help explain this a little bit?
{if you don't want to read it....
Conclusion. Problems in set shifting as measured by a variety of neuropsychological tasks are
present in people with eating disorders }

this issue with set-shifting makes a lot of sense.
numbers get stuck in our heads very easily, no?

This does not however, explain this NUMBER IRRATIONALITY quite enough.
if you google "brain and numbers" or "brain numbers attachement" or "brain numbers dysfunction" or any combination of random terms having to do with this, there is very little satisfactory material that comes up.
how extremely frustrating when google doesn't have all the answers. Right folks? (i mean what year is this, anyway?)


i certainly do not have all the answers. neither does Google, apparently. (thats news to me!)
but this was just a little remind for all you out there to not keep the focus on numbers so much. Really guys, go crazy, f*** the numbers!
 Life live on the edge for once.... lets switch our focus (as hard as that may be for those of us with set-shifting difficulties ;) ) to other things in our lives, like friends, sunshiny springs and... chocolate. (who knew i was going to say that last one?) but really, do we have a deal?
deal.



or as the italian say, Kapeesh.

Cloud Cookies and Lingering Reminders

Before you read this post, if you haven't already entered my amazing giveaway by donating to, tweeting, facebooking or emailing Sofia's fundraiser, go to my last post : Safe Sofia, Save Ourselves and do so immediately! 
phew. ok, now that that's out of the way...
wanna see some pictures?!
yesterday, I met my beautiful friend Kitty for brunch at Le Pain Quotidein.
Neither of us had ever gotten their semi-famous "bread basket" before, so we decided to take the big leap and go for it. 
it was frickin huge!

this picture (obviously) doesn't do it justice so you'll just have to trust me on this one.
there were multiple pieces of delicous bread that were about 2X the size of my face

as requested, it came with lots of awesome spreads. they were all delicious!

kitty developed a quick addiction to this here decadent breakfast condiment.
i don't blame the girl.

and my personal fave...

guess its fitting, since i'm a brunette.

unsurprisingly, after we acquired quite large food babies, we were happy campers.

kitty may very well murder me for putting this on the world wide web,
but i think it's adorable. she's my favorite "blondie" ;)

my last (on the fly)comment about "food babies" reminds me of what else i wanted to talk about in this post: lingering reminders of my eating disorder. 

As many of you may know, my official diagnosis was bulimia, which was fitting for the most part. In that vein, i was stick-thin or emaciated, despite my rather drastic weight fluctuations, i always looked pretty normal (aside from the huge bags under my eyes, the chipmunk cheeks and my lovely smelling breath, ya know, i was normal.) 

{intermission}

yo, check it, MORE BLONDIES!!!

i went to the birthday party of a very special six-year-old yesterday.
that's her adorable little bro next to her.  my niece and nephew are just too cute. 

happy sixth birthday, sophie! i love you!

{end intermission}

people couldn't tell just by looking at me that I had an eating disorder. 

This used to make me super angry, but now I really don't care at all, in fact, i'm happy to be normal! 

how pretty is this kale? I made my parents kale last night, it was delish!

Nowadays, even if people followed me around with a camera for 24 hours, they would have no idea that i used to have an eating disorder. Mostly everything I do is totally normal. mostly =) . 

Today, i wanted to talk about the lingering reminders, the things that still are on my mind and that bother me in terms of the Ed.

(in no particular order):

1.) Food Babies

I mentioned this above. I hate being super super full. Back in my ED days, I got to the point where if i my stomach was ever less than growling-crazy- starving- empty, i would run right to the bathroom. Now, of course, things are different, and i really appreciate the satisfaction of a good meal. But food babies and being super full? Not so much. I know most (normal) people don't enjoy being overly full, but the difference is that for a lot of people with eds its more of an emotional issue than a physical one. It's the thoughts and feelings that are triggered by feeling a heaviness in my stomach that bother me, not the heaviness itself.

this chocolate has truffles in it. O.M.G.

2.)Fat Talk

I hate fat talk. a lot a lot a lot. Conversations like this totally set me off. I think my aversion to fat talk runs a little deeper than just plain old anger, to be perfectly honest. I think my problem with it is not only that its just rude, mean, unhelpful, not constructive and none-of-your-ffing-business why that kid is pudgy, or why that popular girl ate some extra cookies over christmas break, its more about my perception of myself. I think my hatred of fat talk stems from a deep-seated fear/belief that i have that when people are talking about that chubby kid on the street, they might as well be talking about me because, hey, i'm fat too.

I know this is wrong. I know i'm not overweight. That's not the point here. The point is that, emotionally, i feel as if people are (or might as well be) talking about me, because in my mind, no matter what, i feel fat. This certainly still bothers me.

                                          **************************************

strawberries

plus...

=

best. snack. ever. 

*******************************************

3.)"unhealthy" foods

whether or not my sometimes avoidance of "unhealthy" foods is eating disordered is debatable in this day and age (especially near this corner of the blogosphere) . i know that for me, however, my drive to eat "healthy" "pure" "unprocessed" foods is semi-dangerous and that I can't take it too far. I need to know that if i want a freaking milk chocolate bar rather than a vegan 99.999% block of fucking cocoa, then that's okay. I need to keep a handle on myself and know it's okay to bake with All-Purpose Flour, that it's not the devil and it won't rot my brain. I don't always have to drink Kombucha or eat perfectly fresh fruit, and hey, if i want a bowl of Lucky Charms for breakfast (not that i really do...) is that really so bad?

perhaps i'll continue this and make it into a series of sorts if any more lingering reminders pop into my head, but for now that's all I wanted to say about that. 

Now for the real reason your reading this post: 

 Cloud Cookies.

remember back when I got this book?

well, i finally put it into good use.

um, guys, i have to tell you, these are the best things i have ever baked.

no joke.

since i didn't have sliced almonds, i heated these up and chopped them by hand.
totally fine, except that i nearly chopped off my thumb. 

oh, the things a girl will do for a cookie.

why, yes, dear reader, that is an 8 dollar hunk of Valrhona chocolate! 

fucking scrumptious.

they're light, slightly crunchy, have a delicious nutty/praline-y taste.

check out those cracks!

those air holes? totally amazing. (totally supposed to be there!)

ahhhh.

Cloud Cookies

(adapted from Sarabeth's Bakery cookbook)

Makes about 3 dozen cookies

Ingredients:

11/3 cup granulated sugar

11/3 cup light brown sugar

16 tbsp (2sticks) butter

3/4 teaspoon vanilla extract

2 large eggs (room temp)

2 cups all purpose flour (!!!)

3/4 teaspoon baking soda

1/4 teaspoon fine sea salt

2 cups (8 ounces) toasted sliced(or chopped) almonds (i used less than this, about 7 ounces)

2 cups (12 ounces) semisweet chocolate chips (or chunks)

Preheat oven to 350 F. Line three cookie sheets with parchment paper. combine sugars in medium bowl. set aside. Beat butter until smooth, about 1 minute. Gradually add sugar mixture, then the vanilla.
Beat, occasionally scarping the bottom and sides of the bowl, until the mixture is pale yellow and light-textured, about 5 minutes. Gradually beat in eggs.
Sift the flour, baking soda and salt together. With mixer speed on low, add the dry ingredients in three additions, mixing just until each is incorporated. Add almonds and chocolate chips and mix until combined.
Using a 2-inch diamater spoon/ice cream scoop (i used a tablespooon), portion out batter onto the prepared pans. Using the heel of your palm, slightly flatten each ball of dough. Bake about 10-14 minutes (for a slightly crunchier, crisper cookie, bake for up to 18 minutes). During the last 3 minutes, rap each pan on the rack. the cookies will deflate and their signature cracks will appear. Cool on pans and store in airtight container for up to 5 days.

xo, rose.

smart people, un-smart posts

Something that gets to me a lot is the way in which Maudsley advocates boast about the approach.
I understand the Maudsley treatment method. I understand how it is implemented and why it seems to work. I also understand is that, to date, it is really the only treatment method that has been well-researched in the ED science field and actually has been proven to be effective. What i do not understand is why people who advocate for the Maudsley approach seem to become so attached to the idea that Maudsley is like a freaking miracle, god-sent treatment and speak (or write) about it as though there is nothing else that could possibly be effective.


This pisses me off.


I really do respect a lot of the people (bloggers, mostly) who advocate day-in, day-out for the Maudsley method and I think they are smart individuals with valid points and good intentions. What I would like to pose to them, however, is a reminder, that "The aim of an argument ... should not be victory, but progress."(Joseph Joubert) 
Recently, whenever i read a post by someone who is advocating for Maudsley, they always seem to be trying to win some argument against the world. They always seem to somehow frustrate other readers by implying that Maudsley is the ONLY approach that works, just because it is, so far, the only approach that has actually been well-researched. Effective and researched are not synonymous. 
I also, personally, get frustrated because there really are so many pitfalls in the Maudsley approach that just seem to be ignored. First of all, I would like to see any individual with a diagnosis of BN rather than AN actually successfully be treated by Maudsley. I honestly think that this would be a freaking miracle because all of the studies on Maudsley have been done on AN, and the two are very different disorders (especially in terms of how the individual relates to their family, which is a key component of Maudsley) and, knowing the way in which those with BN tend to act with their families, I would be astounded to see anyone with that diagnosis have a successful Maudsley treatment.
Let's be clear here. I know professionals who like to say that for adolescents with bulimia, purging is like puking up the family. Purging is like a f***-you to the rest of your family who you are angry, resentful at. Often, with AN, this is not the case. Most adolescents with AN tend to not have the same experience of rage and resentment to their families. Most girls i know with anorexia suffer the sweet, well-behaved, "good-girl syndrome". They often seen as the "golden child", and while this is not to say that they are not angry with their families, or tyring to convey something with their ed behaviors, it is often quite a different experience than that of someone with BN. 
And secondly, aside from diagnosis, lets just take a look at the multitude of families who CAN'T for either personal, emotional, physical or financial reasons, in any way,shape or for, ever conceive of using Maudsley. Some parents  are clueless, and couldn't give a shit about their child's eating disorder/ recovery for that matter. Some don't have the financial resources or the time to invest so much energy in feeding their child. Some are just emotionally unavailable or unable to be a support to their children in this way (if a parent rarely sets any kind of boundaries for their child (homework, curfew, friends, etc) there is no way that they are going to either A. Be interested in bothering to set boundaries around food + eating or B. be able to have any kind of authority over their sick adolescent). 
I guess one of the reasons I am so touchy on this entire subject (and hence am writing this massive, bitchy post) is because it really just frustrates me that my family couldn't (+ most definitely wouldn't) ever do Maudsley. The idea of my family trying to implement the maudsley method is a joke. Sometimes I laugh when people suggest that it's a good treatment for the majority because, um, I think i know about four people in the entire world who have families that would be suitable/able/available/willing to do Maudsley(if it was ever needed). I imagine my mother and father cooking me some "nutritious" meal, telling me to sit down and eat, and then offering to have some sort of "family activity" afterwards to keep me from purging (as is suggested by Locke + LeGrange) and i have to roll my eyes at the absurdity of that image. 
Basically, I often find that people can be a little freaking self-righeteous when it comes to Maudsley and it bugs the hell out of me (for both personal and general reasons).
I really do think that for the most part, yeah, it's great and i love when people advocate for well-researched, fast, safe, effective care for eating disorders as others would for any other possibly-fatal illness, but i really do wish that people could be a little more understanding and far- sighted, and just freaking get it through their brains that it can't work for all of us, and that maybe, just maybe, it's okay to try something else!


Sorry if this post is ranty. Just needed to get that off my chest. 
Phew.

Buhhhhhh-rain chemistry

Had an interesting conversation with L today about brain chemistry.
(That is, if you can even call it a conversation, it was more like one of our little episodes where i'm just napping chilling on her couch while she rambles on about life)  I swear to god i love that woman and listening to her craziness just about always makes my day...
Anyway, she started talking about how we are all wired really really differently, and we are all meant to function differently in the world, and yet people try to fit themselves into these little boxes (which I like to call "societal norms") even when that just isn't right for them- and i think that is just SO TRUE.
I've been really frustrated with myself recently because i've been feeling so lethargic, and i've been feeling like something is "wrong" with me. I get home from work these days, and I'm just exhausted. And i feel awful for feeling that way, because in my head, and in this society, it's as if i should still be a ball of energy and now i should want to go do 6489229404050 more things! I know so many people (particularly lots of ED people) who are exactly the opposite and are super hyperactive and can't ever sit still and are bouncing off the walls. *
Anyway, the thing L said to me which simultaneously cracked me up and got me thinking was "Well, I think you just need to become a Buddhist".
Seriously though. I really am just a very chill, relaxed person. Apparently, as i have been told by many people, I have a very calm demeanor. I move slowly, I think fast, but I act on things carefully (except for when i'm crazy and impulsive, but that's a different story) I think that he way that I am is just not the desirable by societal standards, and I think that's where I run into troubule.
I have all these things I feel like i should be doing, but really, I don't want to, and maybe I need to learn to just be okay with that? Maybe it's just the way i'm hard-wired?


Anyway, it's super duper gross out today, I dont understand July city weather! I hate it so much! One day (aka yesterday when  I had to run/walk 60 blocks to do an errand for my boss!) it's like 100 degrees and disgustingly sunny out and then today its like torrential rain. WHAT THE HELL?! The rain also totally adds to my lethargy, which is very frustrating, and not at ALL good for my overall productivity at work (which was, today, about zilch)


Right now I'm reading the book Born Round by Frank Bruni. It's a memoir that i picked up because I remember reading a piece of his "I Was a Baby Bulimic" in the New York Times Magazine.Click here to read it. (it's not nearly as weird as it sounds, btw) One of the lines that I picked out from the book though, seems to fit well with this post...


"Born round, you don't die square"


Ok, that was my random thought for the day, on to research how to convert to buddhism...
Peace.
R


* I think it would be interesting to look at brain images and see where people with different diagnoses of eating disorders fit on the spectrum of slow-brain - fast brain lol i'm so technical!!! put it this way: RoseBrain-BouncingOffTheWalls/SuperProductive/Energetic Brain
I have a hunch that those on the bulimia side of the spectrum would be on the Rose camp, while those with tending towards AN would be more likely on the other side. I'm guessing this also could be correlated with the hyperactivity that often occurs with starvation induced in AN? Hmph. 

Thinking it All Out

I get really stuck in my head sometimes.
I can spend entire years in my head.
That pretty much is what happened to me when i was in my eating disorder.
I would wake up with numbers. My first thoughts of the morning were how many calories did i yesterday (already stuck in my mental calculator from the night before, just a lovely reminder) and did i binge/purge? Then I would jump out of bed, weigh myself. Based on what the weight was, i would have an ongoing dialogue in my head about what kind of person I was (good/bad/dumb/idiot/okay/successful/whale etc) and what I was going to do with my food based on my weight that day. Then I would go about my day, going through the motions of going to school, greeting friends mindlessly (I was basically chronically depressed but tended to wear a smile), running to classes, trying to be engaged (but really I'm not thinking about physics - how the HELL is everyone else here really thinking about Physics? I'm too busy figuring out how i'm going to get away with not eating lunch and trying to figure out what to buy at the supermarket when i leave school). I'd finally escape the walls of school and then run home to binge and purge, the time of day when  i could finally escape from the hell that was my life (and basically, the hell that was my head, my thoughts).
Recently though, I'm still in my head a little bit. I am beginning to think that this tendency to be overly cerebral might just be a personality trait, or the way i'm wired. I used to always blame it on the eating disorder, but I'm beginning to wonder if part (or most, even) of the eating disorder was a way to make my tendency to "be in my head" more bearable. The eating disorder behaviors, at least, (the high of starvation & restriction, the high from bingeing and purging) gave my mind a temporary break from itself. *
These days, I've been in my head a lot. It has not necessarily been a bad thing, I have just had a lot to think about in terms of my summer, my goals, my intentions, my relationships and so on.
Writing this out, however, I am realizing that maybe all of this time spent in my head isn't a good thing. Maybe I need to stop worrying so much about the future and be more in the present moment. As if that were easy. I do definitely need to pick up my yoga again, because I love and miss it and just kind of forgot about it this month. It definitely keeps me grounded and in the moment. I also have just felt very preoccupied recently with some kind of dissatisfaction in my life that i have been trying to "figure out" in my head. Maybe I need to just give life a chance and see what comes. I wish i were more "go with the flow". Ha!


Okay well, it's getting late and I'm going to go grab a snack.
Time to be grateful ;)
1. My new paint markers and canvases! I can't wait to finish my new painting and start more!
2. My running shorts - in the past week or so, its basically all ive been wearing, it (along with my favorite grey t-shirt) is my go to outfit for these awful body image days and I don't know what I'd do without it.
3. Iced Coffee - looking forward to my Starbucks tomorrow morning when I am at work.


*I know a couple friends of mine from treatment who also are just very cerebral people. One in particular comes to mind who always used to say "I need to figure this out in my head, first", and then proceed to spend hours just thinking.  I wonder what this is about and I'd be interested if there were any research on the topic of the correlation of people with eating disorders and a tendency to be overly cerebral.