The Sorcerer's Apprentice and Eating Disorders

today in my (amazing, exhilarating, totally awesome) Popular Culture class, we watched Fantasia. 
For those of you who don't know, Fantasia is a film that was originally produced by Disney and released in 1940. It was all about the merging of cartoon and classical music, a phenomenon that was really well received by film critics but that pissed a lot of music critics off (because they think Disney was "cheapening" the music)
For my class, we had to read an essay about "Reception theory" , which is basically what it sounds like, a study of how audiences receive or understand certain media based upon their personal experiences, outlook, socio-economic status, race, etc.
I had never seen Fantasia before. What's funny is that my favorite part of it was definitely the Mickey Mouse as the Sorcerer's Apprentice segment, which i've embedded below.
In it, (if you don't want to take 8 minutes to watch it, which is totally understandable, even though it is a Friday - thank god!!!) Mickey is the apprentice to a sorcerer. He is shown carrying heavy buckets of water up and down stairs, and feeling tired and strung out from all the heavy-lifting. He then starts playing around a little bit (by putting on the sorcerer's hat) and tries to make a broom come to life. It does. And then Mickey tries to teach the broom to do the heavy lifting for him.
The broom starts going up and down the stairs while Mickey just enjoys himself, sits back and relaxes. then Mickey falls asleep, and the next thing he knows, he is drowning in water because the broom  has totally overdone it and is out of his control. Mickey doesn't know what to do. He freaks out and tries to get it to stop but then the brooms multiply and there are tons of them and they go faster and faster and Mickey is drowning and scared.
Eventually, the Sorcerer comes along and stops all of this madness, and Mickey is left ashamed and, well, in trouble for playing around.
I "received" this as an analogy for eating disorders. It hit me immediately that we are Mickey.
Tired and bored of the hum-drum of everyday life and feelings and all that other stuff, we tried to find a way out of it. We tried  to find a way where we wouldn't have to do all the work. Feel all those bad things. The broom is our eating disorders.
At first, it was nice. We had a nice system going. The brooms were doing all the heavy-lifting. It gave us a nice break, a chance to relax, "take the edge off", kick up our feet (as Mickey does, literally) and just sail smoothly for a while, not feeling any feelings or having to actually engage in life.
Inevitably, though, we somehow let it get out of our control. We couldn't stop restricting. Or purging. Or bingeing. We begged and pleaded with our eating disorder to just stop, stop the awful thoughts and the crazy behaviors, as Mickey fruitlessly pleads with the brooms. It doesn't work.
Eventually, someone intervenes and we are left ashamed and confused as to how we got there. I mean, c'mon-- we were just playing around a little bit! Skipping a couple meals. Seeing if sticking our fingers down our throats would make us feel better. Trying on the proverbial sorcerer's cap. We then spiraled out of control and were drowning in our own, self-made flood of anxiety and fear and food. Finally, (hopefully), someone steps in and makes it all stop. Calms the waves for a little bit. Takes control. We, having (again, hopefully) learned our lesson walk away, not unscathed, but at least we didn't drown.
We are the Sorcerer's Apprentices. 



xo,
Rose

you don't know how lucky you are.

 i was talking in therapy today (isn't it just darn comical when people start their sentences [or blog posts] like that?) about how i am always jealous of girls who are sicker than I am, or was.

I've always kind of been curious about this phenomenon, as it, being related to eating disorders, has always kind of seemed different, or somehow more complex than just your standard, run-of-the-mill jealousy.

i'm pretty sure this is a  common theme in eating disorders...jealousy/competitiveness/whatever you want to call it. It's kind f the source of a lot of tension the "ED world", so to speak, because most people with an ed do not think they are "sick enough" or as "sick" as the next girl (in the waiting room, the dietitians office, the doctors office, on the street, etc). 

(Source: Samantha Conlon)

some quotations...

18036) My best friend is my trigger.

18126) I secretly wish that all the ED girls who I follow will have a bad day, so that I can feel even better about my good day.

(from Confessions about Eating Disorders (i'm only posting the link b/c i have to for copyright reasons--but don't visit this site if you're easily triggered, please.)

so...what the hell is up with us? 

What's with all the competition and jealousy? 

Anyway, so i was talking in therapist about how
yes, i, too, still get really upset/jealous/whatever when I see girls who are visibly very sick, or when girls who I know relapse. I was talking about how I hate that they get more attention than I do.
D (my therapist) asked how I know they get more attention. I said, in my experience, they just do. 

And i, being bulimic, i have always felt that I do not warrant the same kind of attention as a super-underweight anorexic. (see this post for more on that)

(Source: 1000 nightmares)

I was saying how I "hated" the girls who came into treatment, kicking and screaming and ridiculously underweight, usually between the ages of 14-18, forced by their parents or doctor. I said I hated them because they didn't know how lucky they were. how lucky they were to have people who noticed early. How lucky they were not to have to take responsibility for choosing treatment. How lucky they were to be in the position of stubborn, sick, anorexic girl who needs lots of care, attention and coaxing and support. 

How lucky they were to still be stuck in the oblivion of their eating disorder, making the rest of us miserable with their stupid comments about how "this place just wants to make me fat", and not having to worry or  think about recovery because, in fact, they didn't care.
I talked about how I'd always wanted to get out of my chair or off my couch in the group room and scream at them, lungs full and face red you don't know how lucky you are, you skinny fucking bitch!

But then D said something really smart. (lol, look at that, Rose-a therapist said something insightful!) She reminded me of something I had totally forgotten. she said, I think you want to tell them how lucky they are in general, but you're just minimizing it down to food and body-weight and ed-stuff.

true, true or true?

I pick all three. 

I forgot about this.

I forgot about how eating disorders do this.

How we feel something very strongly but then we make it all about food and weight and ed-related stuff. 

just cause we're programmed like that. or cause it's easier. I don't know.

but when I thought about it, and I mean really thought about it, I realized D was right.

What I really wanted (and want to) say to all those girls (and not only the very sick ones, but also my friends from school and many people in my life) is you don't know how lucky you are. 

Because, at times,  I feel unlucky.

Whether that is depression, anxiety, teenagerness, ed-ness, or circumstance, I don't know. But I assume I'm not alone in this. I think we all envy others when we are feeling down ( I know i have days where i'd rather be the homeless man on Fifth Avenue than be myself), and I think those of us with eating disorders just attribute it to weight/degree of sickness or acuteness/ ed-related attention, etc and so forth. 

I'm not really sure what the remedy for this is. I think for those of us with eating disorders, it can simply be remind ourselves that it's about more than what that girl weighs, or what you weigh. 

(Source: Tumblr Photography)

And it's about more than how she is still "allowed" to starve herself, etc, etc. And for all of us, I think it's about being grateful for what we have. Even if it feels like not a lot sometimes. I know my ability to be thankful for the things in my life changes from moment to moment, but i think no matter what, i can always find something, even if it's just a blanket or a cup of tea, to be happy about. 
What are you grateful for today?

And can you relate to any part of my crazy-jealousy?

 Let me know in the comments :)

Momofuku Giveaway!

alright guys, so i wasn't very specific about what the prizes were for my Safe Sofia, Save Ourselves giveaway because I didn't know what it was going to be, but i've decided to give you all a sneak peek into some possible prizes...
Anybody ever heard of Momofuku?
it's pretty much one of the coolest restaurants in the city, i'm going later this week (don't worry, i'll take plenty of pics!), and i thought i might share some of the goods with any of you who wish to tweet/facebook/mass-email/blog about Sofia's fund. (click on that to see her fundraising page & possibly even make a donation???)

ive been looking through the momofuku website and i found these goodies...
check this out
The Compost cookie
pretzels, potato chips, coffee, oats, butterscotch, chocolate chips

or how about this...

Blueberry and Cream cookie

dried blueberries, milk crumbs

and the feature presentation i give you:

Crack Pie

toasted oat crust, gooey butter filling

are you all drooling yet? I hope so. 

if you want a chance to win these, possibly along with some other goodies that i haven't picked out yet,

(momofuku cookbook, anyone?)

please please please tweet/facebook/blog about/email/ Sofia's fund, or better yet, donate!

RT @grlspinsmadlyon Enter an amazing Momofuku Giveaway!!! http://bit.ly/gasxsI #sofiasfund 

extra entries for tweeting/facebooking or otherwise promoting this giveaway post!

xo

rose

Save Sofia, Save Ourselves.

does anyone remember this lovely girl?

it's okay if you don't.
i forgive you. 
just go read my post: How to Save a Life. 
For those of you who weren't around or don't remember, this is Sofia.
Sofia has an eating disorder. 
She needs our help. 
Badly.
Back in October, I asked you guys to check out her fundraising page because she was trying to raise money  to get into treatment. The same treatment facility that I trust because I, personally, was able to find a peaceful place to being my recovery there. 
Starting today, I'm doing a Momofuku giveaway (scroll to the bottom of this post for details), and begging you to donate.
You see, after she did some fundraising and after Sofia's father took out money from his savings, Sofia was able to go into treatment like we all were hoping she would. Phew.
But her insurance cut out super early again. Big Surprise there, right? 
She also is still in the appeals process. It's kind of a bummer. 
Sofia has worked so hard and come so far, even in the midst of her debilitating mental illness.
Here is some of Sofia's wisdom about recovery that I think you all deserve to hear:

                                             “it was then that I realized, my moment of clarity wasn’t 

 going to come. That moment in movies where the heavens part and the addict wakes up and realizes their illness is 

going to kill them and it scares them into changing their behavior. I mean I’ve had little moments like that. Where I saw the reality of my situation and it terrified me. I’ve had moments where I come out of it enough to realize the insanity of my behavior and the seriousness of my medical status and the very potentially fatal consequences of my actions…and this is part of why I realized that I needed to reach out and find a way to come up with this money, because I will die before I'm just startled  enough to just stop."

[she is implying here that she needs proper treatment, she understands that she can't do this on her own]

And you see, all of this is why Sofia inspires me. She's a fighter.

She sets off a spark in me. 

She makes me think of this quotation:

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Nelson Mandela

I wouldn't ask you all to take a moment of your time, and possibly a cent  from your wallet if this didn't mean something. Sofia means something. I know it. 
But she's just one person, right?
What's the point of giving money to just one person?
You might be asking yourself this question. 
I know i did.
Here's the thing, though. While physically yes, Sofia is, in fact, just one person in this universe of ours, she means more than that. 
really, she does. 
Don't believe me?
I see myself Sofia. 
I also see you in Sofia.
Yes, you, you, the one  reading this right at this very moment. 
Sofia represents all of us when we are at the very bottom of our ropes. the end of the line. desperate. pleading. needy.
this, my friends, is not a fun place for anyone to be. But we've all been there. 
I have. I will again. 
You have. And you probably will again, too.
Your low and my low probably don't look the same. 
Maybe the last time you were at the end of your rope, it was because a loved one was sick. Or your dog was lost. Or maybe you lost a job, or a friend, or maybe you just spilled some coffee and stubbed your toe and just wanted a shoulder to cry on.

Was somebody there to help you up?
Really, think about it.
Or did you do fix it, get better, get well, become happier, yourself again all on your own?
Was it the smile of a kind stranger that knocked you back into reality? Or maybe a husbands' firm hug?
Whatever it was, I hope you were not alone. I hope that somebody helped you. I hope that that inspires you to help Sofia. Sofia is in all of us. We just need to see it. 
The question then is, really, will you help yourself?


here's the link to her fundraiser: http://www.giveforward.com/stillfighting


and one last quotation from Sofia:

                       "I really don’t know what more I can do but be totally honest and be persistent…and not 

                       worry about what people think about this persistence [to raise money], because the 

                       persistence is for my life…I can tell you about my passion to help the world, I can tell you 

                       that I understand that I am just one person, no more or less important or special than the 

                       next, but that I also believe we are all worth saving."

with love and gratitude,

Rose

EDIT:
GIVEAWAY IS NOW CLOSED, AS THE TECHNICAL FUNDRAISING TIME IS OVER. If you still feel compelled to promote or donate please, by all means, go ahead. That would be what they might call noble. ;)

Guest Post: Eating Disorders + Friends- yay or nay?

Hi all! 
I asked the lovely, brilliant, talented Amanda to write a post for me. I have always admired her blog, her careful, detailed and in-depth writing style, and her attitude towards the realities of recovery. Amanda has become what i would call a 'blog friend' to me, and i couldn't think of a more appropriate topic on which to hear her 'speak' than that of friends and eating disorders. 
I have many of my own stories and theories on this, as well as on friendships in their own right. For now i'll let Amanda's piece speak it's truth, the great truth that it is. 


I'm thinking of doing a series on friendships, so if you could please leave in the comments any ideas/suggestions/questions/topics that you would like me to address in an upcoming post, that would be wonderful (it may, but does not have to do with eating disorders)
Thanks! And now it's Amanda's turn...

When I was first diagnosed with an eating disorder, I didn’t know anyone else with an ed. I felt like a royally-screwed freak, to say the least. Going inpatient was my first exposure to other women with eating disorders, and that was a revelation to me! I didn’t feel so alone or bizarre anymore; instead I felt safe and accepted. These were (otherwise) normal women—not scary or strange!

(Source: Lusiacativo )

I almost immediately attached myself to someone who arrived shortly after me: my now best friend, Julia. We quickly formed an inseparable bond of mutual love, support, and trust. My counselor warned me not to become too attached to Julia, because becoming dependent on or competitive with each other would actually hinder our recoveries.

However, that never happened. I witnessed other relationships detrimental to overall recovery, but Julia and I remained strong and true friends. When she left the inpatient center before I did, that was a real test of my recovery—could I continue without her?

I’m proud to say that I could. And I did.

The next test was of our friendship. We live states apart, so would we remain friends after we both went home? Were we “eating disorder friends” (that is, was our friendship based entirely around our disorders), or were we friends who just happen to have an eating disorder in common?

 The end of the story is that we are friends, period. She is my soul mate of friends, and our bond is not based on an eating disorder. That just happens to be what brought us together—and it’s amazing and frightening to think that if we hadn’t both gone into treatment at the same time and place, we never would have met!

Yet the fact is we do have an eating disorder in common, and that’s something we do still talk about and support each other in. Obviously that makes our relationship fundamentally different than our other friendships—and while that’s potentially toxic for some people, it’s not for us. It’s an unclear and difficult balance, but I think the difference is that we are friends first and we have eating disorders second.

And as selfish as this sounds, we are committed to our own recoveries first and each other’s recoveries second. Keeping that in perspective is most important, which is a major lesson I learned while inpatient…

 Your recovery IS NOT and CANNOT be dependent on anyone else’s recovery.

(source: Here Comes the Sun)

 Granted it’s terribly hard to watch a friend fall and not be affected. After I came home from inpatient, one of my local friends “came out of the closet” with her eating disorder. I watched her struggle and crumble, and I have to admit that it hit me hard. However, even harder was the decision I had to make for my own health: I had to put my recovery first, because how could I support her if I relapsed into my own ed? And how could I tell her that she should be pursuing recovery no matter what if I wasn’t doing that too?

There is a fine line when it comes to friends with eating disorders, even if you only know them through blogs. So I think the “take home” points from this are:

• There is a difference between “eating disorder friends” who have only an ed in common, and friends who both happen to have eating disorders. (Hint: you want to be the latter.)
• Comparing or competing is not indicative of true friendship. You can only hurt each other in those ways, so it’s better to let go of those friends—err, frenemies.
• Your recovery has to take priority in your life. Once you are (relatively) free of your own ed, then you will be able to help others.
• Your recovery is not dependent on anyone else’s!

 Author’s note: This was a surprisingly difficult post to write. It’s something that I believe is very important and needs to be addressed; but when I sat down to write, I had trouble deciding where to start. There’s so much to say, and I could probably write an entire series of posts on the subject (if not an entire blog)!

As I said, eating disorders + friendships is a sticky subject. And how can I pare down such a mysterious thing as friendships into mortal words? Who am I to judge or write about them? What do I know more than you?

I suppose my chief concern is this: keep yourself and your friendships safe. An ed tends to infiltrate every aspect of our lives and take away what’s most precious. We must fight hard and stay vigilant, but our eventual freedom and happiness is well worth the work.

But we're all mad here, right?

do you ever feel like your brain is about to explode with thoughts?

A drawing by my good friend Lauren.Isn't it awesome?
It shows freaking exactly what i'm sure we all feel like sometimes.

sometimes, and i know that i've mentioned it before, as other bloggers also do sometimes, i feel like there are days when i have so many things in my head that i want to share/get out, that sometimes it becomes too much and i just can't express any of it. Black and White thinking, much? Yep, i know.

Today when i got out of therapy, all of a sudden i felt really sad. And intimidated...ya know...by the girl in the waiting room going in after me. I hate eating disorder treatment sometimes. I think that kind of "competitiveness" (aka when you and another person kind of size each other up in a not-so-discreet-lets-see-who-can-give-the-most-deathly-stare-i'm-so-cool- way) is part of high school just generally, but i think when you know that someone also has an eating disorder, that kind of weirdness is sort of intensified. I hate that. It just sort of pushes my metaphorical knife (sorry lol i'm in such a weird writing mood) of self-dislike further and further in, and i hate that awful kind of insecurity. 

I bet other people feel this just with other bloggers even. Perhaps at foodbuzz, which i've been reading a lot about? Yes? No?

Anyway, so i came out of therapy feeling weird/sad/shaken up for some reason. Or for a few reasons.

And then i put my ipod on and got on the train and was just thinkingthinkingthinking and before i knew it i wished i had a journal with me because i had all these thoughts that i didn't want to lose and that i wanted to share with you. And i hate it when i feel like my brain is exploding.

Am i making any sense here? Maybe i'm more sleep deprived/caffiene jazzed than i really thought.

Enough self-doubt, i'm gonna keep writing.

What i wanted to say was this. When i was on the train and feeling confused/sad/whatever, i kind of started saying cheesy things to myself in my head. Things like "I like myself" or "I can do anything i set my mind to" ...(in normal person speak i think these would be called affirmations ;) )

I automatically felt better. Saying these random affirmations to myself, even though i didn't believe them kind of helped. And then i realized something. 

I think that's one of the things that's so great about blogging. When i read the comments that i get on my posts, i instantly feel so loved/supported and i'm just so grateful and i just feel better about myself.

That's because, often times, you guys say to me things that I can't yet say to myself. 

It reminds me of when I was in treatment and i felt really supported, because my friends and I would all kind of root for each other, until we eventually, little by little, learned to root for ourselves. I guess that's what's so great about this. Is that hopefully, someday, after hearing it enough times from our friends/whoever is nice enough to give a damn, we will be able to say encouraging things to ourselves, and then, possibly, live out our lives in ways commensurate with those positive thoughts, etc.

Make sense? i hope so.

alright, well, if you made it through this weird/rambly/non-sensical post, i congratulate you tremendously and will personally send you a cyber hug ;) oh, sometimes i wonder how i even have friends. if you met me and i was being this weird wouldn't you jsut want to beat me up and throw me in a trash can or something? Don't answer that. :P

shutting up now!

xo

thank you all for just being amazing readers/commenters/inspirational people who keep me going :)

-rose

AN, BN, EDNOS follow up

So i was going to just write a comment on my last post, but I had too much to say to all of your wonderful feedback, so I thought i'd just respond here. Thank you guys so much for sharing your experiences/thoughts with me on that topic. I feel that in order for the eating disorder field/sphere to really be helpful and effective, it also needs to be truly authentic, because, if eating disorders can be said to be "about" anything they are about non- authenticity and secrets and hiding your true self/feelings, so this is something that I feel must be avoided in the realm of supporting recovery.  
Many of you seemed to really understand where I was coming from in my last post on the stigmatization and shame that often comes with an eating disorder when one is not, at the moment, classifiably an underweight, restricting-type anorexic. Some of you brought up great points about how having a diagnosis of ED-NOS can often be very difficult and shameful, as if you are just "not severe enough" to qualify for the title of "anorexia nervosa" or whatever. The wonderful Tat also mentioned the hardship that comes with being a weight -restored, or even just not skeletal looking person with anorexia. This is so true. We all need to understand and have compassion for each other and fight for the respect of everyone, no matter what they weigh at the moment, and recognize that we all suffer, regardless of what our BMI might be. 
Really guys, thank you so much. I really am interested in this and am looking into doing some more ED advocacy work other than just blogging and this is a great starting point because it is one of the many things that I want to change about this field, so that recovery can be easier for all of the sufferers of this disease.
On that note I thought i'd post this link, because I think it's relevant. 
Let's not even mention the fact that my insurance company was just bought out by Blue Cross Blue Shield, and so now my family and I are trying to figure out the logistics of all the new expenses that are no longer being covered...
It makes me sad to see yet another girl who can't get the treatment she needs. But I also wanted to post the link because it is actually one of the least offensive news coverings of someone with an eating disorder that I have ever seen.
Maybe there is hope?...
But that brings me to the comments on this article. Which Carrie addressed in a blog post that i will also link you to, because it pretty much covers everything I wanted to say and then some. 
Anyway, can't you tell that it's a Thursday? I hardly have enough energy to keep my eyes open to look at the screen.
There will be more interesting things going on in my brain to share with you all once I actually get some sleep.
Until then, you guys rock.
xo
rose

How to Save a Life

I've never actually met this girl, Sofia. 

We've never talked face-to-face.

I only knew who she was because my friend, L told me about her.

I have to admit,  I was skeptical.

Why should I tell people to give money to a girl who they don't even know, who I don't even know and when we all don't even know for sure that this treatment we are helping to pay for is going to be effective?

I can tell you why.

First let me remind you of this:

Energy can neither be created nor destroyed: it can only be transformed from one state to another.
I've spoken to Sofia on the phone a few times now.
I honestly am truly amazed at her strength, courage, and wisdom in the face of all her darkness.
Our last phone conversation was on last Saturday. I was a MESS on saturday, to say the least. 
I had b&p'd multiple times that day. I felt like shit and was beating myself up about the 'lapse', or whatever you want to call it. I was lying in bed feeling sorry for myself. I called Sofia. 


Talking so Sofia reminded me of why I want to do this. It reminded me of why I want to get better.
I want to get better because nobody should have to go through the hell of an eating disorder. Period.
Beyond that though, I want to get better because I want to change this. I want to change how people are treated. How is it that someone as beautiful, loving, and deserving as Sofia has gone for this long being denied the necessary treatment, care, help she needs?
I find it outrageous. I want  to change this. 
I want to get better because I want to honestly be able to give Sofia encouragement in her recovery.
I want to be able to tell her that it will get better. I know it will. 
I want to get better because sometimes helping other people makes us feel better about ourselves, no matter what shitty situation we feel we may be in. 
I want to get better because Sofia inspires me. Her insight and openness on the phone inspired me. Her love and gratitude. Her humility and bravery inspired me. 
I want to help Sofia save her own life. 
Lets go back to the ninth-grade biology rule that I wanted to share with you: Energy can neither be created nor destroyed: it can only be transformed from one state to another.
My question is this: What could be done with all the energy, the positivity, the strength, the generosity, the love that Sofia has now-still in the grips of an eating disorder....what could be done with all of this radiance when she is given the chance to get well?
I guess it's up to all of us to help find the answer. 
Please, please give to Sofia's fund or pass it on to others who might have the means to donate or to show it to more people. 
To My Dearest Sofia & all of us in Recovery, let's get better so that we can change the world, so that nobody ever has to face this darkness again, or so that when they do, we can all be there to stand by their side. 


Click here to save a life.

(image from http://lemoncream.tumblr.com/)

xo,Rose

Autumn: Neda Walk, Hot Cocoa & Comfy Sweaters

Hi Lovelies!

I hope everyone is having a good weekend.

Yesterday morning I decided to see what all the fuss was about and make myself some Oatmeal! Everyone in the blogosphere seems to be obsessed with oats, so i decided to jump on the breakfast bandwagon ;). I decided to make my own recipe which I will call Hot Chocolate Oats.

Doesn't it just LOOK delicious? It's amazing. I finally decided to try a more
natural (&more expensive! Eek!) alternative to my trademark Nutella. 

I also just wanted to share this loveliness. I had never seen a container of Fage
this big before! It's a heaven send. I mean, I literally go through the medium container in three days- so
clearly this was made just for me!

I wanted some chocolate in mine, b/c i love chocolate in EVERYTHING,
but i didn't have any plain cocoa powder, so I just used a swiss miss packet.

At one point i got worried that it was never going to cook...jeez  it is a long process! 

But no worries, eventually it worked!

And the finished product...

added some walnuts, Fage, dried blueberries & Justin's Chocolate Hazelnut Butter. YUM!

Was craving some brussel sprouts around lunchtime today...

Steamed and then grilled with some olive oil, balsamic & honey. Delicious.

Homemade turkey burger w/ chipotle sauce, fresh mozzarella
& tomato on a whole wheat sandwich thin.




One of my favorite things about autumn? The clothing! I love scarves and big comfy sweaters. I went shopping with my dad yesterday (it was supposed to be for him but he's picky and didn't get anything) I got two sweaters and a pair of shoes...

Cashmere & Cotton. The camel is from Calypso & the Grey is H& M. The grey
one was originally my dad's but I pretty much inherited it when we walked out of the store and I told him I was cold...

shoes! Note: Yes, the bottom is already filthy...I might have (shamelessly) worn them out of the store..

In Eating Disorder news...

I went to the 2nd annual NYC Neda walk today

This is when the walk finally started. It was freezing out, so I was relieved!

It was a really great event, I'm so glad I went! A lot of the speakers were really touching. Lynn Grefe, the head of NEDA spoke really well. Judy Arvin, of Someday Melissa, spoke, as she did last year only five months after her daughter died from a hard struggle with bulimia. Jenni Schaefer spoke and sang a song for us "It's okay to be happy". A few other people spoke, and I have to admit, I cried at a couple  of the stories

I caught up with some of my friends from  treatment (not the last place I was at), which was nice. I don't feel all that connected to a lot of the girls, like i was last year. Its nice to see people, but its also really great to know that I've come a long way since  I last was with them, I feel like a different person now than the person that they knew (in a very good way)  :)

Me (on the right)and my friend Sammy -who  i still see /talk to pretty often, mostly b/c
i see her in the waiting room at my dietitian's office pretty frequently ;) 

I was had a really hard day yesterday. It was so good to get out, enjoy the new October chill ( I LOVE Autumn weather- couldn't you tell?) I almost didn't go, but I'm so glad I got my butt out of bed and made myself go. I am so glad that NEDA exists and is growing and working hard to help all of us fighting this awful disease. We all deserve recovery. I need to remember that on days like yesterday, I need to fight for myself ,because there are men & women who can't any longer.

Finally, Willy wants to say hi & congratulations for getting through this monster of a post!

Excitedly licking peanut butter off of a spoon, of course!

xo,

Rose