Writer's block

I have writer's block.
And I'm not talking about "blogging block". That's an issue for a different day.
I'm talking about actual writers block.
Writer's block that matters. As in rose doesn't write, rose in trouble kinda stuff.

It's about a research paper.
Now before you all go and close the page just from initial gut reaction that we all get when the words "research" and "paper" are used in the same sentence, let me first tell you what it's about (or what it will be about)

kinda interesting...right?

Well yeah. Its super interesting. And I'm thrilled that I get to write a paper about this and not about, say, the French Revolution or something (sorry to all you European history buffs out there)

The problem with this paper is that  there is so much stuff.
So much stuff to write about to cover to remember, that it all gets overwhelming. I hate that feeling.
It's actually quite similar to the feeling i get when I put off blogging for a while. All of a sudden there's this pit in my stomach that tells me that there is too much I'm losing track of, too many pictures backed up on my camera, and too many stories and ideas with their origins long past.

If you get a chance, I think you all should read The Beauty Myth. (or maybe you could just read my paper, it'll be much shorter)
Although it's a little (read: very) redundant at times, it's a good feminist analysis of our society and the reasons why and ways in which images of beauty are used to subordinate women in a culture that is so accustomed to male-dominance in every sphere.
Anywho, that was just a little update, I'll probably post more later this week or this weekend because i plan on fitting some baking into my procrastination schedule ;)
Rose

where i have been

{a little post to let you know where the h*** i have been }

i've been watching the ice melt under my feet. 

(literally.)

i've been eating cookies

(and cupcakes)

i've been enjoying the little eccentricities of the city

i've been happy that spring has arrived

i've been indulging my shopping urges

check out those glasses!

most of all though, i've been working. a lot.

i've almost gotten so bogged down in the hum-drum no-stop pace of it all that i've forgotten where i've been, why i'm here, where i came from.

sometimes i find myself getting so wrapped up in all of this stuff.

Top 10 Colleges and SAT scores and History papers and test dates, 

and all of a sudden it becomes

really easy to just forget who that girl is who is sitting and

 holding the pencil (with her left hand, by the way-  but more on that later) because i become

so focused on the outcome or the product or the grade.

sometimes its good to get a reminder of who i am. why i'm doing all of this, rather than just going on autopilot with the hope that i can get it all done (w/ flying colors) 

and hope that the rest of my life will wait.

well, it wont.

i need to be a person. not just pieces of a person. 

not just a test grade, or a vocabulary word.

a person. a whole being. me.

this blog is part of that.

i'm back. 

sorry for the absence. i promise i'm here to stay. 

it's easy to lose yourself if you don't remind yourself who you are, why you're here.

i've learned that at least.

as for all that SAT junk...now that's a different story.

xo, Rose

have you ever gotten so caught up in something that you've lost yourself?

 how did you get 'you' back?

The Sorcerer's Apprentice and Eating Disorders

today in my (amazing, exhilarating, totally awesome) Popular Culture class, we watched Fantasia. 
For those of you who don't know, Fantasia is a film that was originally produced by Disney and released in 1940. It was all about the merging of cartoon and classical music, a phenomenon that was really well received by film critics but that pissed a lot of music critics off (because they think Disney was "cheapening" the music)
For my class, we had to read an essay about "Reception theory" , which is basically what it sounds like, a study of how audiences receive or understand certain media based upon their personal experiences, outlook, socio-economic status, race, etc.
I had never seen Fantasia before. What's funny is that my favorite part of it was definitely the Mickey Mouse as the Sorcerer's Apprentice segment, which i've embedded below.
In it, (if you don't want to take 8 minutes to watch it, which is totally understandable, even though it is a Friday - thank god!!!) Mickey is the apprentice to a sorcerer. He is shown carrying heavy buckets of water up and down stairs, and feeling tired and strung out from all the heavy-lifting. He then starts playing around a little bit (by putting on the sorcerer's hat) and tries to make a broom come to life. It does. And then Mickey tries to teach the broom to do the heavy lifting for him.
The broom starts going up and down the stairs while Mickey just enjoys himself, sits back and relaxes. then Mickey falls asleep, and the next thing he knows, he is drowning in water because the broom  has totally overdone it and is out of his control. Mickey doesn't know what to do. He freaks out and tries to get it to stop but then the brooms multiply and there are tons of them and they go faster and faster and Mickey is drowning and scared.
Eventually, the Sorcerer comes along and stops all of this madness, and Mickey is left ashamed and, well, in trouble for playing around.
I "received" this as an analogy for eating disorders. It hit me immediately that we are Mickey.
Tired and bored of the hum-drum of everyday life and feelings and all that other stuff, we tried to find a way out of it. We tried  to find a way where we wouldn't have to do all the work. Feel all those bad things. The broom is our eating disorders.
At first, it was nice. We had a nice system going. The brooms were doing all the heavy-lifting. It gave us a nice break, a chance to relax, "take the edge off", kick up our feet (as Mickey does, literally) and just sail smoothly for a while, not feeling any feelings or having to actually engage in life.
Inevitably, though, we somehow let it get out of our control. We couldn't stop restricting. Or purging. Or bingeing. We begged and pleaded with our eating disorder to just stop, stop the awful thoughts and the crazy behaviors, as Mickey fruitlessly pleads with the brooms. It doesn't work.
Eventually, someone intervenes and we are left ashamed and confused as to how we got there. I mean, c'mon-- we were just playing around a little bit! Skipping a couple meals. Seeing if sticking our fingers down our throats would make us feel better. Trying on the proverbial sorcerer's cap. We then spiraled out of control and were drowning in our own, self-made flood of anxiety and fear and food. Finally, (hopefully), someone steps in and makes it all stop. Calms the waves for a little bit. Takes control. We, having (again, hopefully) learned our lesson walk away, not unscathed, but at least we didn't drown.
We are the Sorcerer's Apprentices. 



xo,
Rose