And she's back!

hey  everybody! guess what, i'm back!!!

Sorry for the long delay, I was away for a month right after that crazy end to school and I just was exhausted and needed a little bit of a break. But now I'm back for good and couldn't be happier about it. 

So, what exactly have I been up to these past couple of months? Ill give you a peak...

Well, i was lucky enough to spend July in Florence consuming LOTS of pizza, pasta and gelato, and also seeing some beautiful places.

And since then I've been relaxing at home, getting caught up on some work, and missing the blogosphere.
Yesterday, I had a pretty bad day. I had a rocky session with my dietitian. First, she told me the wrong time so i was there an HOUR early and had to wait. Then, we got into talking about some pretty intense stuff about self-esteem and relationships and it just got too much for me. I, of course, being the people pleaser that I am, didn't say anything and just sat there like a wuss wishing that we were talking about something easy instead. After, it was my mom's birthday dinner during which I was a total mess...
But today's a new day and I'm blogging again so I'm looking forward to a new start to this year.
Hope everyone is well! Drop me a comment and let me know what you've been up to!
I've missed you all! Love,
Rose

Marathons

i saw the title of a post (or article, or some kind of written-internet-thingy) today that sparked my thinking about what it means to have a "perfect food day".
This kind of lingo is pretty typical in the eating disorder world.
Back when I used to talk to girls who were actively sick, we would discuss what we ate that day, and idealize what our "perfect food day" would be like.
For one girl, it would be eating X amount of calories, exactly. For another, it meant only eating at 12 pm and 5pm. For me, it meant eating nothing, but that wasn't even enough.
Eating disorders set up this kind of "receding horizon" (as I like to call it) in our minds. People with eating disorders are constantly striving towards some kind of unattainable goal, a target that keeps moving. It's like chasing a shadow.
We all know the story : girl loses five pounds and decides she wants to lose five more. She loses five more and decides she wants to lose ten more, and so on.
I would cut down my calories constantly, even down to the point where NO FOOD wasn't okay, and then where was I left? Chasing a freaking non-existent shadow.
I think this phenomenon doesn't only apply to eating disorders, though.
Think of a marathon runner. He or she didn't start out as a marathon runner, right? It's like someone who starts running, and then decides they like it. So they start running, say, five miles a week. And then maybe five miles 3 times a week. And then maybe 5 times a day. Then they do a 5k, and then a 10k, and then a marathon. And then more marathons. And, you get the point.
The problem, I think, is that in our society we all buy into this mindset of "more, more, more". The "American Dream", so to speak, is ruining us. It's this idea that nothing is ever okay just as it is that is causing us to be so dissatisfied with ourselves and our lives, even though our actual bodies and lives are really probably fine as is and would be okay if we just accepted them as they are right now.

I wanted to leave you with this song by Christina Perri today.
I'm not gonna analyze it for you, I think you all can figure out what I think it means...

Writer's block

I have writer's block.
And I'm not talking about "blogging block". That's an issue for a different day.
I'm talking about actual writers block.
Writer's block that matters. As in rose doesn't write, rose in trouble kinda stuff.

It's about a research paper.
Now before you all go and close the page just from initial gut reaction that we all get when the words "research" and "paper" are used in the same sentence, let me first tell you what it's about (or what it will be about)

kinda interesting...right?

Well yeah. Its super interesting. And I'm thrilled that I get to write a paper about this and not about, say, the French Revolution or something (sorry to all you European history buffs out there)

The problem with this paper is that  there is so much stuff.
So much stuff to write about to cover to remember, that it all gets overwhelming. I hate that feeling.
It's actually quite similar to the feeling i get when I put off blogging for a while. All of a sudden there's this pit in my stomach that tells me that there is too much I'm losing track of, too many pictures backed up on my camera, and too many stories and ideas with their origins long past.

If you get a chance, I think you all should read The Beauty Myth. (or maybe you could just read my paper, it'll be much shorter)
Although it's a little (read: very) redundant at times, it's a good feminist analysis of our society and the reasons why and ways in which images of beauty are used to subordinate women in a culture that is so accustomed to male-dominance in every sphere.
Anywho, that was just a little update, I'll probably post more later this week or this weekend because i plan on fitting some baking into my procrastination schedule ;)
Rose

figuring out what's important

Hey guys! Sorry for the prolonged absence. I'm not even going to go into it, i'm a second semester junior and it's just craaaaaaaaazy! (I also haven't been using my camera very much, which is what usually inspires my posts in the first place) so theere you have it. let's begin.

I'm coming to realize that life really is all about what you value. Leading a good life means making decisions that prioritize what your values are, and following through with things that will help you achieve your most important goals.
This applies to so many things.
Last week,  I was having a bit of a dilemma (and still kind of am) about what math class I should take next year: Calculus or Statistics. Both are AP classes, but Calculus is often viewed (by college admissions officers) as more rigorous and thus, more "commendable".

this is basically how I always want to answer math questions...

Let's get this straight for a second: I am NOT good at math. In fact, I am more than not good at math, my brain and math basically just don't mix. period.
So, lucky me, when I find myself in a dilemma where my First Choice College is one of the few selective colleges that "prefers" applicants who have taken Calculus, rather than Statistics.
What's a girl to do?
After lots of talking and thinking and talking some more about this issue, I realized it's really about what I value in life. Do I value this college so highly that I am willing to take a risk in taking Calculus, even if that might mean that I struggle consistently all year? Or, do I forget about what First Choice U wants and take Statistics, hoping that perhaps, a less "mathy" math will jive with my brain cells?
It's not an easy decision, but it's one that I am capable of thinking about rationally and making thoughtfully.
When it comes down to it, it is also a decision about how hard I want to push myself.
When I reflect on past times when I have pushed myself before, I know that it has backfired, that i have resented it. Example? Bulimia.
push myself not to eat and to exercise and to deny myself of all things good until, finally, my inner-self rebels and all hell breaks loose and I am left back where I started, except a little more flattened out and a lot less okay.
Every day those of us in recovery have to make a decision: what is more important to us: being "thin" and "perfect" or being happy and alive? Recently, I've been choosing the latter, and that works out a little bit better.
So what will it be: Calc or Stat?
To be perfectly honest, when I sat down to write  this post ten minutes ago, I was pretty sure I was going to "suck it up" and take Calc. Now I'm not so sure.
See, this is why I need you guys! You help me make the right decisions.
Oh, and  now I remember why I love blogging.

What is a decision that you have had to make recently that really brought your values into light? How did you choose?

Happy Monday! (kinda?) 

xo, Rose

numbers are just...well, numbers.

i think the above statement is pretty obvious.
(it also reminds me of when my SAT tutor was trying to explain some probability problem to me and she ended up just saying "well, cause one...itself, it's one"  :)
but it's also one of my mantra these days. probably one of the most important things for me to remember at this point in my life.

why, then, if this is such a simple statement, is it so hard to remember???
why is it so difficult for me to see a number below, say, a 90 on an essay, and to just be O.K.?
why, is it so difficult for me to see a number one the scale slightly higher than it was a few weeks ago and just, be O.K. with that, too? (what about numbers of blog posts per month?! <---- i kid, i kid. kinda.)

what's the deal here?

perhaps this study on set-shifting difficulties in people with eating disorders can help explain this a little bit?
{if you don't want to read it....
Conclusion. Problems in set shifting as measured by a variety of neuropsychological tasks are
present in people with eating disorders }

this issue with set-shifting makes a lot of sense.
numbers get stuck in our heads very easily, no?

This does not however, explain this NUMBER IRRATIONALITY quite enough.
if you google "brain and numbers" or "brain numbers attachement" or "brain numbers dysfunction" or any combination of random terms having to do with this, there is very little satisfactory material that comes up.
how extremely frustrating when google doesn't have all the answers. Right folks? (i mean what year is this, anyway?)


i certainly do not have all the answers. neither does Google, apparently. (thats news to me!)
but this was just a little remind for all you out there to not keep the focus on numbers so much. Really guys, go crazy, f*** the numbers!
 Life live on the edge for once.... lets switch our focus (as hard as that may be for those of us with set-shifting difficulties ;) ) to other things in our lives, like friends, sunshiny springs and... chocolate. (who knew i was going to say that last one?) but really, do we have a deal?
deal.



or as the italian say, Kapeesh.

acceptance vs rejection

Dear Rose,
Thank you for your interest in the peer leadership program!
While you were not selected, blahblahblahblah nothing else is important.

Being rejected hurts. Its also a little bit confounding.
What did i do wrong? What's wrong with me? Aren't I mature, responsible, happy enough?
Did i sound like an idiot in my interview? Did I come across as conceited? What should I have done/said/prayed for that I didn't?
With it comes a myriad of questions.
The truth of it is, however, that there really is no rhyme or reason to most things. Either we get in or we don't. We miss the bus or we don't. We're late or early, happy or sad, surrounded by a crowd or alone in our bedrooms.
All of life that is left to chance can be kind of unnerving.
Perhaps that is why some of us attempt to control life with booklets of numbers, meaningless numbers, and arbitrary judgements of the people who we are, or who we see ourselves to be.
In reality, most of life is a crapshoot. That's kind of hard to grasp.

I was prepared this weekend, folks.
I had prepared myself for a weekend of quasi-solitude, alone in my bedroom reading The Feminine Mystique and thinking about music and pictures and sunlight.
But then, something funny happened.
I got invited to a party. Just like that.
And I went.
And then yesterday, it happend again.
But this time I had two friends who wanted to hang out with me. I had to schedule them both in.
The same thing happened again today.

I hadn't been wallowing in any kind of self pity about my upcoming solitary weekend. In fact, I hadn't really given much thought to it at all. And then, poof. It seems as soon as I accepted my reality, my reality changed on me. Just like that.
Let's not take everything so seriously.

(Source: This is Water)

Rose

A Dance (Post) of Craziness

Dance, when you're broken open.

Dance, if you've torn the bandage off.

Dance in the middle of the fighting.

Dance in your blood.

Dance, when you're perfectly free.

Jalāl ad-Dīn Muḥammad Rūmi

Last night i had another one of those sucky Saturdays where my friends forget about me and I'm all alone at home.

i (luckily) had one of my creative "sparks" so to speak...

here's what happened.

I saw a picture of something cool. I decided to copy it.

A+ for creativity, am i right?

k but really...

decided to put some of my old Teen Vogues to use (basically i wanted to trash the bitchez)...

I mean,  TeenVogue kinda sucks.

I'm pretty sure the Editors were like:

Editor #1: Hey, do you wanna make a magazine that'll make young girls feel terrible about themsevles?!

Editor #2: Yeah, that sounds like a great idea! Oh, i know, we'll make them feel bad not only about the fact that they're not anorexic like all of our models, but lets make them feel bad about how they can't afford any of the clothes in our Magazine, too!

Editor #1: Great idea! Now...do you have any thoughts on teenage drinking? I think that'd be an original first article...

You get my point, right?

Yeah so i decided to massacre those babies and heres what resulted

Pretty sweet right?

It's from this poem by Swami Kripalu:

My beloved child, break your heart no longer.
Each time you judge yourself, you break your own heart.
You stop feeding on the love, which is the wellspring of your vitality.
The time has come. Your time. To live. To celebrate,
and to see the goodness that you are…
Do not fight the dark. Just turn on the light.
Let go, and breathe into the goodness that you are.

I know, I know, i'm just all full of the good quotations and funny lines today. ;)

Then, today, still on a "creative" roll, (ha!), i decided to bake cinnamon buns. 

{Recipe from The Pioneer Woman and How Sweet It Is}

OMG.

Honestly though... WTF was I thinking?! They're pretty freaking labor-intensive for a lazy girl like me! But, um, it's pretty cool how something as lame as that big ol' hunk o' dough up there can turn into these...

and then these

You know when bloggers are all like "AND THEN I ATE SIX OF THEM"    even though you know they're really lying and just trying to make you feel good about yourself in comparison to their non-existent piggishness?

Well, um, and then I ate three of them and that ain't no hyperbole ladies and gents. 

None at all.

I now know the definition of a sugar coma. Or maybe its just the reason why this post is so damn odd.

All i can say is, who cares? There are cinnamon buns in my kitchen and pretty words on my wall!

sweet!

Peace out

xo

Rose