Marathons

i saw the title of a post (or article, or some kind of written-internet-thingy) today that sparked my thinking about what it means to have a "perfect food day".
This kind of lingo is pretty typical in the eating disorder world.
Back when I used to talk to girls who were actively sick, we would discuss what we ate that day, and idealize what our "perfect food day" would be like.
For one girl, it would be eating X amount of calories, exactly. For another, it meant only eating at 12 pm and 5pm. For me, it meant eating nothing, but that wasn't even enough.
Eating disorders set up this kind of "receding horizon" (as I like to call it) in our minds. People with eating disorders are constantly striving towards some kind of unattainable goal, a target that keeps moving. It's like chasing a shadow.
We all know the story : girl loses five pounds and decides she wants to lose five more. She loses five more and decides she wants to lose ten more, and so on.
I would cut down my calories constantly, even down to the point where NO FOOD wasn't okay, and then where was I left? Chasing a freaking non-existent shadow.
I think this phenomenon doesn't only apply to eating disorders, though.
Think of a marathon runner. He or she didn't start out as a marathon runner, right? It's like someone who starts running, and then decides they like it. So they start running, say, five miles a week. And then maybe five miles 3 times a week. And then maybe 5 times a day. Then they do a 5k, and then a 10k, and then a marathon. And then more marathons. And, you get the point.
The problem, I think, is that in our society we all buy into this mindset of "more, more, more". The "American Dream", so to speak, is ruining us. It's this idea that nothing is ever okay just as it is that is causing us to be so dissatisfied with ourselves and our lives, even though our actual bodies and lives are really probably fine as is and would be okay if we just accepted them as they are right now.

I wanted to leave you with this song by Christina Perri today.
I'm not gonna analyze it for you, I think you all can figure out what I think it means...

Save Sofia, Save Ourselves.

does anyone remember this lovely girl?

it's okay if you don't.
i forgive you. 
just go read my post: How to Save a Life. 
For those of you who weren't around or don't remember, this is Sofia.
Sofia has an eating disorder. 
She needs our help. 
Badly.
Back in October, I asked you guys to check out her fundraising page because she was trying to raise money  to get into treatment. The same treatment facility that I trust because I, personally, was able to find a peaceful place to being my recovery there. 
Starting today, I'm doing a Momofuku giveaway (scroll to the bottom of this post for details), and begging you to donate.
You see, after she did some fundraising and after Sofia's father took out money from his savings, Sofia was able to go into treatment like we all were hoping she would. Phew.
But her insurance cut out super early again. Big Surprise there, right? 
She also is still in the appeals process. It's kind of a bummer. 
Sofia has worked so hard and come so far, even in the midst of her debilitating mental illness.
Here is some of Sofia's wisdom about recovery that I think you all deserve to hear:

                                             “it was then that I realized, my moment of clarity wasn’t 

 going to come. That moment in movies where the heavens part and the addict wakes up and realizes their illness is 

going to kill them and it scares them into changing their behavior. I mean I’ve had little moments like that. Where I saw the reality of my situation and it terrified me. I’ve had moments where I come out of it enough to realize the insanity of my behavior and the seriousness of my medical status and the very potentially fatal consequences of my actions…and this is part of why I realized that I needed to reach out and find a way to come up with this money, because I will die before I'm just startled  enough to just stop."

[she is implying here that she needs proper treatment, she understands that she can't do this on her own]

And you see, all of this is why Sofia inspires me. She's a fighter.

She sets off a spark in me. 

She makes me think of this quotation:

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Nelson Mandela

I wouldn't ask you all to take a moment of your time, and possibly a cent  from your wallet if this didn't mean something. Sofia means something. I know it. 
But she's just one person, right?
What's the point of giving money to just one person?
You might be asking yourself this question. 
I know i did.
Here's the thing, though. While physically yes, Sofia is, in fact, just one person in this universe of ours, she means more than that. 
really, she does. 
Don't believe me?
I see myself Sofia. 
I also see you in Sofia.
Yes, you, you, the one  reading this right at this very moment. 
Sofia represents all of us when we are at the very bottom of our ropes. the end of the line. desperate. pleading. needy.
this, my friends, is not a fun place for anyone to be. But we've all been there. 
I have. I will again. 
You have. And you probably will again, too.
Your low and my low probably don't look the same. 
Maybe the last time you were at the end of your rope, it was because a loved one was sick. Or your dog was lost. Or maybe you lost a job, or a friend, or maybe you just spilled some coffee and stubbed your toe and just wanted a shoulder to cry on.

Was somebody there to help you up?
Really, think about it.
Or did you do fix it, get better, get well, become happier, yourself again all on your own?
Was it the smile of a kind stranger that knocked you back into reality? Or maybe a husbands' firm hug?
Whatever it was, I hope you were not alone. I hope that somebody helped you. I hope that that inspires you to help Sofia. Sofia is in all of us. We just need to see it. 
The question then is, really, will you help yourself?


here's the link to her fundraiser: http://www.giveforward.com/stillfighting


and one last quotation from Sofia:

                       "I really don’t know what more I can do but be totally honest and be persistent…and not 

                       worry about what people think about this persistence [to raise money], because the 

                       persistence is for my life…I can tell you about my passion to help the world, I can tell you 

                       that I understand that I am just one person, no more or less important or special than the 

                       next, but that I also believe we are all worth saving."

with love and gratitude,

Rose

EDIT:
GIVEAWAY IS NOW CLOSED, AS THE TECHNICAL FUNDRAISING TIME IS OVER. If you still feel compelled to promote or donate please, by all means, go ahead. That would be what they might call noble. ;)

Rambling Tuesday

I just registered for the NYC NEDA walk!
Thought i'd just share that little tidbit of information.
Not that i'm super excited about it or anything, but I do think it's a good thing to do to show my support, and it's not like I have any other pressing plans at ten am on a saturday morning (besides sleeping, which, trust me- i do enough of!) so I figured  i'd fork out twenty bucks and say Hi to some old friends.

I was talking with my dietitian today (well, mostly, she was talking...) about how i should really find something I'm interested in and get into it, so i have something aside from school to keep me interested. I really would love to be more directly involved in advocacy work, but I'm not sure exactly how to go about it. Any brilliant ideas? I mean I know for sure that I'm going to go into the Psych field, and i'll most likely do some work in eating disorders, consider that I AM passionate about the subject- however, I'm not sure that anybody is really interested in what a seventeen year old former bulimic high school junior has to say about anything....so it's a little discouraging.
Anyway- Day # 2 was a huge improvement. This is good news because I think it would be pretty hard NOT to be better than day number one (unless, ya know...someone maybe put a "Kick Me" sign on my back or maybe I accidentally forgot to wear pants- but no worries ,that didn't happen- yet)
Maybe tomorrow will be a little bit better? I hope so. I just want friends! Is that so much for a girl to ask for? :)
Love you all, and hope everyone had a lovely day! (P.S. if you're in the NYC area you should totally come to the walk in October- I'd love to meet other bloggers!)
xoxo
Rose

Reason to Recover?

How about this little girl?

That's my five-year-old niece, Sophie, and me, at her preschool graduation last Friday.
I'm so proud of her. I love her dearly. And she loves me back.
She probably tells me more than anyone else in my life how much i mean to her, in her adorable little way.
I'm so grateful to have her.
I want to be a good role model for her. I want to be someone she can look up to, someone she can confide in. I want to be an example for her. I want to be there to help her when things get tough. The first time she thinks about her body, I want to be able to tell her, without hypocrisy, that she is beautiful just the way she is. I want to be fully present to be able to comfort her when she is upset, when school is hard, friends are mean, or mom and dad aren't enough. I want her to see somebody who she wants to be in me.
I could never look at this picture and then go make myself throw up, or make myself run when i didn't want to, or skip my dinner. I feel that when i hurt myself, I hurt her. I can't break that innocence.


I love you, Sophie.
xxx
R

Choices

So I was on the phone with a staff member from MNV today.
I love and respect this woman so much, and she is recovered so i really felt like talking to her was useful, especially today.
One of the things she said to me was "You have three choices. You can stay still, go backwards, or go forward."
This really struck a chord for me as I was recalling to one of my friends even last night that i was scared that i was going backwards, in terms of my food/thoughts/etc.
After I got off the phone, I actually felt like i had the strength and I got out of bed and went out and met up with a friend- so i went forward instead of staying still (wallowing in my misery) or going backwards (engaging in eating disorder/ self destructive behaviors to not feel the misery).
I feel like I actually accomplished and learned something today.
I'm feeling really grateful for the person who i talked to (lets call her "A") today, especially because she and I have not always been great buddies but, really, I felt so loved and supported today by her.
Hanging in there!
xxx
R

Finding Motivation

I had been having a really hard time the past few days with my motivation.
Motivation, in my mind, is crucial to the success and progress of my recovery. I have repeated many times that my problem is "not fucking whether or not i'm eating yogurt or cottage fucking cheese for breakfast---it's about the big picture!" (Excuse my french, of course ;) )
The whole problem with motivation, though, is that sometimes, it's just not there.
And if it's not there, i tend to get into a mind-fuck where restricting seems logical and eating seems like "a waste".
I was feeling today like "this whole recovery bullshit" is just that- bullshit, and that it's not worth it because my situation (home, Junior year X 2) is so sucky and i have so long to wait before anything good comes of all the hard work that is recovery.
My head was telling me that Eating* would make the situation worse, more unbearable and harder to deal with because it would not allow me to disconnect by using my eating disorder behaviors/thoughts and it would force me to really "be present" in my life.
What really was helpful though, in my conversation with Lyn, was the way she completely reframed what i was thinking in a way that totally made sense.
 The conversation went something like this...
(imagine an adorable british accent---it adds to the advice, i swear!)
Lyn: Rose darling!
Me: Hiiiiiii
Lyn: How are you?
(forget the fact that i totally just ignored her question...)
Me: Why am i doing this?
Lyn: Why are you doing what?
Me: Eating. I mean. You know--- all of this. It sucks.
Lyn: So that you can get the hell out of your parents' bloody house and live a fabulous life, of course.
Me: But its like...i feel like i'm holding my breath until fucking 2012. What the fuck.
Lyn: Rosie-posie, you need to eat your food and keep your food and take care of yourself darling so that you can have your wits about you to deal with all your parents' crazy shit and then you can go and have a fabulous life, and leave them in their own miserable lives. You are meant to be FABULOUS and you can only do that if you're eating your food, right?
Me: Oh, yeah, you're right.


So rather than thinking that Eating and recovering is making this bad situation worse, maybe it makes sense think that eating my food could maybe (dare i say it...?) help me function better and be more equipped (mentally, physically and emotionally) to deal with whatever comes my way!?


Never-mind the fact that Eating is literally necessary for my body and mind to function, my eating disorder is great at convincing me that eating will literally ROB ME of the ability to deal with life (by making me stressed, anxious, uncomfortable, alive- yes, i said that, and fat!)
In reality, however, Eating actually means providing my brain and body with the energy (calories, peace of mind that comes with getting rid of ED thoughts) to deal with the life i am living now, so that i can start to build the life i want to live!


It is interesting (and somewhat nerve-wracking) to see how easily i (and i consider myself to be a fairly rational person, relatively speaking (; ) can be convinced by the eating disorder of something that really makes no sense whatsoever, and then allows me to almost threaten my recovery.


I guess thats why we all need support people around us, to keep our crazy heads in check.


Lyn's accent also always cheers me up, and i assume that has something to do with my new found motivation ;)








* I use a capital E because by "Eating" i am referring more to the whole act of engaging in Recovery rather than a single isolated act of feeding oneself.