Save Sofia, Save Ourselves.

does anyone remember this lovely girl?

it's okay if you don't.
i forgive you. 
just go read my post: How to Save a Life. 
For those of you who weren't around or don't remember, this is Sofia.
Sofia has an eating disorder. 
She needs our help. 
Badly.
Back in October, I asked you guys to check out her fundraising page because she was trying to raise money  to get into treatment. The same treatment facility that I trust because I, personally, was able to find a peaceful place to being my recovery there. 
Starting today, I'm doing a Momofuku giveaway (scroll to the bottom of this post for details), and begging you to donate.
You see, after she did some fundraising and after Sofia's father took out money from his savings, Sofia was able to go into treatment like we all were hoping she would. Phew.
But her insurance cut out super early again. Big Surprise there, right? 
She also is still in the appeals process. It's kind of a bummer. 
Sofia has worked so hard and come so far, even in the midst of her debilitating mental illness.
Here is some of Sofia's wisdom about recovery that I think you all deserve to hear:

                                             “it was then that I realized, my moment of clarity wasn’t 

 going to come. That moment in movies where the heavens part and the addict wakes up and realizes their illness is 

going to kill them and it scares them into changing their behavior. I mean I’ve had little moments like that. Where I saw the reality of my situation and it terrified me. I’ve had moments where I come out of it enough to realize the insanity of my behavior and the seriousness of my medical status and the very potentially fatal consequences of my actions…and this is part of why I realized that I needed to reach out and find a way to come up with this money, because I will die before I'm just startled  enough to just stop."

[she is implying here that she needs proper treatment, she understands that she can't do this on her own]

And you see, all of this is why Sofia inspires me. She's a fighter.

She sets off a spark in me. 

She makes me think of this quotation:

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Nelson Mandela

I wouldn't ask you all to take a moment of your time, and possibly a cent  from your wallet if this didn't mean something. Sofia means something. I know it. 
But she's just one person, right?
What's the point of giving money to just one person?
You might be asking yourself this question. 
I know i did.
Here's the thing, though. While physically yes, Sofia is, in fact, just one person in this universe of ours, she means more than that. 
really, she does. 
Don't believe me?
I see myself Sofia. 
I also see you in Sofia.
Yes, you, you, the one  reading this right at this very moment. 
Sofia represents all of us when we are at the very bottom of our ropes. the end of the line. desperate. pleading. needy.
this, my friends, is not a fun place for anyone to be. But we've all been there. 
I have. I will again. 
You have. And you probably will again, too.
Your low and my low probably don't look the same. 
Maybe the last time you were at the end of your rope, it was because a loved one was sick. Or your dog was lost. Or maybe you lost a job, or a friend, or maybe you just spilled some coffee and stubbed your toe and just wanted a shoulder to cry on.

Was somebody there to help you up?
Really, think about it.
Or did you do fix it, get better, get well, become happier, yourself again all on your own?
Was it the smile of a kind stranger that knocked you back into reality? Or maybe a husbands' firm hug?
Whatever it was, I hope you were not alone. I hope that somebody helped you. I hope that that inspires you to help Sofia. Sofia is in all of us. We just need to see it. 
The question then is, really, will you help yourself?


here's the link to her fundraiser: http://www.giveforward.com/stillfighting


and one last quotation from Sofia:

                       "I really don’t know what more I can do but be totally honest and be persistent…and not 

                       worry about what people think about this persistence [to raise money], because the 

                       persistence is for my life…I can tell you about my passion to help the world, I can tell you 

                       that I understand that I am just one person, no more or less important or special than the 

                       next, but that I also believe we are all worth saving."

with love and gratitude,

Rose

EDIT:
GIVEAWAY IS NOW CLOSED, AS THE TECHNICAL FUNDRAISING TIME IS OVER. If you still feel compelled to promote or donate please, by all means, go ahead. That would be what they might call noble. ;)

help a girl out

today has been freaking hellish.
i'll explain with bullet points because full sentences are for the fair of heart. 
things that suck right now in my life

• food. today has been a nightmare of a food day. i have myself to thank for this. i basically starved myself all week. don't ask me why. i don't want to talk about it. it was more than a week. i reverted to restricting for a good week and a half and tried to ignore it and then today i tried to start eating normally and all hell basically broke loose. i'm not gonna go into more detail than that because i don't want to think about it right now but. i . need. help. Where do i start tomorrow? i want to just go back to my normal-recovery-life but i'm scared and i feel gross after my chaotic eating today and i need some help, i think.
• HOWL. not like coyotes, that would be cool. the poem, by Allen Ginsberg. I had this english assignment due today based off it and i didn't do it. I left it for the last minute and now i still haven't done it because i've been feeling like s*** all day and yeah. so now i need to do that. and email it. and hope i don't get marked late, i guess.
• sick. yep. literally woke up sick today, AGAIN. second weekend in a row! Really, now? bummer. I've had a headache all day and and used an entire box of tissues and now i just feel icky after being in bed all day. 

whine whine whine.

sorry. i guess we're all entitled to our whiny-ness once in a while.

but really, how do you get back on track after over a week of eating disordered hell-ish-ness without getting into some kind of awful bingeing and purging or bingeing and restricting cycle or just awful HEADSPACE? any experience/advice would be greatly appreciated.

this is me being vulnerable. i hate asking for help. i have a feeling you guys won't mind though. <3

(source :http://saintsandsluts.tumblr.com/post/1361540205)

AN, BN, EDNOS follow up

So i was going to just write a comment on my last post, but I had too much to say to all of your wonderful feedback, so I thought i'd just respond here. Thank you guys so much for sharing your experiences/thoughts with me on that topic. I feel that in order for the eating disorder field/sphere to really be helpful and effective, it also needs to be truly authentic, because, if eating disorders can be said to be "about" anything they are about non- authenticity and secrets and hiding your true self/feelings, so this is something that I feel must be avoided in the realm of supporting recovery.  
Many of you seemed to really understand where I was coming from in my last post on the stigmatization and shame that often comes with an eating disorder when one is not, at the moment, classifiably an underweight, restricting-type anorexic. Some of you brought up great points about how having a diagnosis of ED-NOS can often be very difficult and shameful, as if you are just "not severe enough" to qualify for the title of "anorexia nervosa" or whatever. The wonderful Tat also mentioned the hardship that comes with being a weight -restored, or even just not skeletal looking person with anorexia. This is so true. We all need to understand and have compassion for each other and fight for the respect of everyone, no matter what they weigh at the moment, and recognize that we all suffer, regardless of what our BMI might be. 
Really guys, thank you so much. I really am interested in this and am looking into doing some more ED advocacy work other than just blogging and this is a great starting point because it is one of the many things that I want to change about this field, so that recovery can be easier for all of the sufferers of this disease.
On that note I thought i'd post this link, because I think it's relevant. 
Let's not even mention the fact that my insurance company was just bought out by Blue Cross Blue Shield, and so now my family and I are trying to figure out the logistics of all the new expenses that are no longer being covered...
It makes me sad to see yet another girl who can't get the treatment she needs. But I also wanted to post the link because it is actually one of the least offensive news coverings of someone with an eating disorder that I have ever seen.
Maybe there is hope?...
But that brings me to the comments on this article. Which Carrie addressed in a blog post that i will also link you to, because it pretty much covers everything I wanted to say and then some. 
Anyway, can't you tell that it's a Thursday? I hardly have enough energy to keep my eyes open to look at the screen.
There will be more interesting things going on in my brain to share with you all once I actually get some sleep.
Until then, you guys rock.
xo
rose

How to Save a Life

I've never actually met this girl, Sofia. 

We've never talked face-to-face.

I only knew who she was because my friend, L told me about her.

I have to admit,  I was skeptical.

Why should I tell people to give money to a girl who they don't even know, who I don't even know and when we all don't even know for sure that this treatment we are helping to pay for is going to be effective?

I can tell you why.

First let me remind you of this:

Energy can neither be created nor destroyed: it can only be transformed from one state to another.
I've spoken to Sofia on the phone a few times now.
I honestly am truly amazed at her strength, courage, and wisdom in the face of all her darkness.
Our last phone conversation was on last Saturday. I was a MESS on saturday, to say the least. 
I had b&p'd multiple times that day. I felt like shit and was beating myself up about the 'lapse', or whatever you want to call it. I was lying in bed feeling sorry for myself. I called Sofia. 


Talking so Sofia reminded me of why I want to do this. It reminded me of why I want to get better.
I want to get better because nobody should have to go through the hell of an eating disorder. Period.
Beyond that though, I want to get better because I want to change this. I want to change how people are treated. How is it that someone as beautiful, loving, and deserving as Sofia has gone for this long being denied the necessary treatment, care, help she needs?
I find it outrageous. I want  to change this. 
I want to get better because I want to honestly be able to give Sofia encouragement in her recovery.
I want to be able to tell her that it will get better. I know it will. 
I want to get better because sometimes helping other people makes us feel better about ourselves, no matter what shitty situation we feel we may be in. 
I want to get better because Sofia inspires me. Her insight and openness on the phone inspired me. Her love and gratitude. Her humility and bravery inspired me. 
I want to help Sofia save her own life. 
Lets go back to the ninth-grade biology rule that I wanted to share with you: Energy can neither be created nor destroyed: it can only be transformed from one state to another.
My question is this: What could be done with all the energy, the positivity, the strength, the generosity, the love that Sofia has now-still in the grips of an eating disorder....what could be done with all of this radiance when she is given the chance to get well?
I guess it's up to all of us to help find the answer. 
Please, please give to Sofia's fund or pass it on to others who might have the means to donate or to show it to more people. 
To My Dearest Sofia & all of us in Recovery, let's get better so that we can change the world, so that nobody ever has to face this darkness again, or so that when they do, we can all be there to stand by their side. 


Click here to save a life.

(image from http://lemoncream.tumblr.com/)

xo,Rose