i'll explain with bullet points because full sentences are for the fair of heart.
things that suck right now in my life
- food. today has been a nightmare of a food day. i have myself to thank for this. i basically starved myself all week. don't ask me why. i don't want to talk about it. it was more than a week. i reverted to restricting for a good week and a half and tried to ignore it and then today i tried to start eating normally and all hell basically broke loose. i'm not gonna go into more detail than that because i don't want to think about it right now but. i . need. help. Where do i start tomorrow? i want to just go back to my normal-recovery-life but i'm scared and i feel gross after my chaotic eating today and i need some help, i think.
- HOWL. not like coyotes, that would be cool. the poem, by Allen Ginsberg. I had this english assignment due today based off it and i didn't do it. I left it for the last minute and now i still haven't done it because i've been feeling like s*** all day and yeah. so now i need to do that. and email it. and hope i don't get marked late, i guess.
- sick. yep. literally woke up sick today, AGAIN. second weekend in a row! Really, now? bummer. I've had a headache all day and and used an entire box of tissues and now i just feel icky after being in bed all day.
whine whine whine.
sorry. i guess we're all entitled to our whiny-ness once in a while.
but really, how do you get back on track after over a week of eating disordered hell-ish-ness without getting into some kind of awful bingeing and purging or bingeing and restricting cycle or just awful HEADSPACE? any experience/advice would be greatly appreciated.
this is me being vulnerable. i hate asking for help. i have a feeling you guys won't mind though. <3
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Sorry to hear that you are so stressed right now! Try to just breathe and remind yourself that everything will slow down soon enough - your sickness will pass, your assignment will get marked (or not, but either way it will be resolved :P), and you will get back to feeling normal around food again. These are just little bumps in the road, and it just sucks to have them piling up at once.
ReplyDeleteI don't really have any experience with bingeing or anything, so this might not be helpful at all, but I find when I go through phases of restriction, the best way to deal with it is to just FORGET that it ever happened (or at least pretend to). I find it really hard to get back on the eating bandwagon when I start comparing my meals to the meals I was eating the day before... so I just try to shut my mind up and think about something else. When I pretend like I've been eating a good amount, I almost find it easy to get back on track.
Hope you feel better :) You're in my thoughts!
ahh babe, i am so sorry to read this post, but i am really proud of you (as always) for reaching out and being honest <- that is really admirable. I always say that a blogger who makes themselves vulnerable for others to read is the strongest fighter!
ReplyDeleteReading this made me feel so much less alone in my misery, recently I am always always feeling so sick, like headaches, dizzy and just ill :/ it sucks beyond! + i also didn't do a essay that was due this week b/c i was sick and just didn't do it out of pure - "fuck it attitude" - probs due to my ED :(
i know things feel so tough now, but all of this shit will get better! you deserve to get better and FEEL better! <3
i dont have any experience with binging & purging, but i can relate it to having a horrible day (or week +) of restricting(like currently in my life) well, i tell myself- "tomorrow i will start" and get in recovery mode!" -Yet tomorrow Never comes... the only thing to do is to Just do it!-forget all the stupid irrational fears and rules etc etc + just dont look back and dont over-think doing the Healthy and right thing!
you can do this lovie, i am in a very similar boat as you, and i am working hard to get myself in gear right now..so painfully hard! :/ BUT from all my experiencessss it always gets so much better, and for me i know i always look back and say, "i am so happy i did it!"
always here for you,
xx
eliza
Rose! I wish I could give you a real hug right now, but I am sending lots of cyber hugs your way. You will be in my thoughts, girl. I definitely know where you're coming from about getting into a cycle of restricting and then all hell breaking loose when you try to eat. It's so difficult and it sucks. I want to remind you though that YOU ARE SO STRONG AND YOU CAN GET PAST THIS SLIP! You have come so far in your recovery and everyone has slips- it doesn't mean that you can't pick yourself up.
ReplyDeleteI'm proud of you for asking for help. Does your team know that things have been this difficult lately? If not, please call them as soon as you can and let them know. My two cents is that I think you should definitely have some kind of extra/emergency appointment with your therapist and/or nutritionist so you can strategize on how to get back on track. Maybe you could even see one or both of them more often right now, while things are difficult. I'd say try to surround yourself with as many positive supports as possible. That goes for friends, too- try to surround yourself with people with positive body image and healthy eating habits- good influences, people who will cheer you on as you move forward in your recovery.
I agree with Tatiana- when I go through a restricting period, it is most helpful for me to not focus on how much I restricted before when I am trying to get back on track- it makes me more anxious. I try to take each day as it comes. Also, I constantly remind myself why recovery is important, what I lost from my ED in the past, and what I stand to lose if I give into it.
Stay strong, Rose. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!!!!!! Please keep us updated. I am going to e-mail you my contact info just in case you might want it. <3
thank you all so much.
ReplyDeletei am going to just focus on the present right now. not looking back and thinking of all the restricting i DID or all the restricting i COULD DO but on how i am going to eat and make my body healthy from here on out.
i love you all and appreciate your support so much! really. i feel better and like i can do my english thingy now. jeez what would i do without this blogosphere of wonderful people?
Oh Rose, how I wish I knew the right thing to say. Instead I'll just say that I'm looking forward to meeting you next week. And I know that you can do this! You have it in you, I know you do.
ReplyDeleteMaybe we should do something non-food related? Do you want to hit a museum or something with Maya and me? Or we can just take a walk? I am up for anything so feel free to email/text me anytime.
Is there anyone you can speak to/reach out to..? maybe if you speak to someone they can help you to stay accountable and get back on track.
ReplyDeleteI think it's important to just remember that you're not alone in your struggle.
I admire your strength, and your posts inspire me. as creepy as this may make me sound, I'm always happy to see a new update from you.
take care, I'm thinking of you, even if I rarely comment I'm always reading <3
aww im sorry you had a shit week, mine wasn't great either :( but you are so right in wanting to ask for help and you should. i just met you ("met" :P ) on the bloggy world so i'm not sure about your history but what did you do before? if you were seeing or speaking with someone then perhaps do the same in terms of support. i really hope things will get better, i know they will actually. you're so so sweet and i wish you the best xoxox
ReplyDeleteI hate having those horrible days where not one thing can at least be okay. I know you'll get through this.
ReplyDeleteI have not commented before, but i understand how hard it can be. When you restict, you just feel the need to push it further and further[for me at least] use willpower to fight back and just do it, without thinking its hard,brutal,or scary. Just do it, for you <3
Stress is okay...you can really do it. The ED things really hurt and pain us. I'm sorry that it's really beating down on you hard right now. Know that you can hold on, bear through the storm and LIVE :)
ReplyDelete<3
-Lisa
Good job asking for help!
ReplyDeleteyou want to talk to me? let's chill and have a break:)
ReplyDeleteBlog about it.
ReplyDeleteFocus on doing what needs doing next.
(Like that paper)
That is my advice. Sounds like you were doing that and I hoped it helped!
Blog about it.
ReplyDeleteFocus on doing what needs doing next.
(Like that paper)
That is my advice. Sounds like you were doing that and I hoped it helped!
I hate having those horrible days where not one thing can at least be okay. I know you'll get through this.
ReplyDeleteI have not commented before, but i understand how hard it can be. When you restict, you just feel the need to push it further and further[for me at least] use willpower to fight back and just do it, without thinking its hard,brutal,or scary. Just do it, for you <3