Thursday, October 28, 2010

this might be brief

^^^is that a semi-famous line from something? 
i don't make this shit up ;)
today has been a long day.
in rose language that means...
i haven't done any work and its already 10:30. 
i'm temped to say AH, so is life. so are thursdays.
But i think my procrastination is becoming a little bit of an issue.
i have a lot of pics that i want to show y'all ( i LOVE saying y'all. one of my past bffs was from Alabama and i thought it was adorable when she said it so i tried to be like her and now it just comes out naturally)
but my comp is being stupid and taking forever to load all of them and i'm just exhausted in general and already bored of myself. 
so happy it's almost friday.
this was when my five year old niece owned me at tic-tac-toe at the dinner table
this weekend should be good, maybe.
I have a halloween party on saturday. Thinking of being a greek goddess just so that I don't have to buy anything (bed-sheet toga tips, anyone?)
see that on the left? that gorgeous turquoise stone?!
That, my friends is a BIRTHDAY PREZ. :) Yep. Thanks, dear sis-in-law
Next week should be better than this week. Less painfully slow, at least.
Its my birthday on Tuesday and i'm going out to dinner on monday night (more on how that came about later) and out to tea on tuesday! (can i  hear a cheer for election day on my birthday/aka no school?!)
so yes. it shall be the big one-eight. 
apparently now i can rent my own port-o-potty if the desire strikes me.
i can also refuse to tell my mother whether or not I received my flu shot.

Heck yeah, adulthood!
um yeah no explanation 'cept boredom and i'm exhausted. the view
from my window is (usually) kinda cool, though
food was kind of iffy today. i ate A. LOT. OF. CARBS.
I guess thats what I get for being a bitchnizzle-idiot-pooper-scooper and restricting these past few days.
I feel like shit now. And so many thoughts are spinning in my head about getting weighed tomorrow and how i want to lose and the carbs and blahblahblah. but honestly, i'm tired now, and am not gonna think about it any more tonight
my mom and i made pizza bagels tonight...

Eat cheese. As much as you want. Mostly Mozzarella.

omnomnom  drool-ege right?

alright. time to go walk the dog. Then maybe i'll finally do some work and get some shut-eye.

doesn't this just look delicious?
(not my photo...i'll cite it later)

love you all. 
P.S. Are you doing anything fun for Halloween? Or just this weekend in general?
Also, tips for procrastination issues? Slash somebody just slap me? (jk...)

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

On Honesty

i wrote in my journal tonight for the first time in a few weeks.
it's something that i used to do all. the. time.
i keep my journal in a protected word document on my computer. its kinda cool to have it all right there in front of me, in digital form. I think my hands would get too tired and i would be discouraged from writing if i had it in a notebook. 
Right now my journal is at something like 86 pages. (single spaced). That's a whole lot of journaling.
Its interesting sometimes to look back at the old entries. Sometimes i even look to see if I wrote something exactly a year or two before on the same date. Most of my journal entries are (sadly) a blabbering on of all the thoughts in my head. Most of the thoughts in my head for the past four years had to do with food and weight. But the thing that was always nice about my journal was that it was the one place that i could lay everything out on the table. Every last thought could be purged (unintentional but appropriate word choice) from my head and I could finally feel at least a little bit clearer, my head a little less "spinny". (title of my blog...) . Journaling tonight was really helpful. I had to kind of pry the honesty out of myself though, because I realized that as I was writing, I was lying to myself. It's only when I'm really honest with myself that I feel that "purged" sense of relief, that maybe things will be okay.
There's so much to be said for the value of honesty. It allows me (when i practice it) to live a more fulfilling life, one that is freer of stress& worry and one where I feel authentic. 
I also just love to write, and for that release I couldn't be more grateful.
What helps you "purge"? Are you honest with yourself? What does dishonesty do for you?


Tuesday, October 26, 2010

failed promises

i'm sorry, my dear readers, that i'm such a poop. <---(and so eloquent)
i didn't post on sunday or yesterday, grr! I'm sure i'm much more upset about this than anyone else actually is, of course, but i'm just mad that i didn't meet my self-made challenge. I'm gonna try to tack on two extra days (this coming saturday and sunday) to make up for it, so i can see "consequences" (not that writing a blog post is a punishment, of course) for my actions. I just want to take some responsibility and keep to my promises to myself. 
This is one of my nasty-ass cupcakes from this weekend.
It might not have tasted good....but at least it looks yummy?
Anyway, how are you all today? Yesterday and sunday were kind of uneventful, but today was slightly awful until about thirty minutes ago. You see, for some reason I just had a really rough day after I woke up from a dream about someone who I really, really miss and kind of have a complicated/broken past with and then my day kind of just spiraled down from there.
I went to Dean and Deluca w/ my pops on Saturday.
Check out the fancy (and expensive!!!) hot chocolate...
18 dollars for a box?! I'll stick with my Swiss Miss French Vanilla, thanks.
I need help! I've been so messed up about my food today (and it's kinda been building all week), and I really don't like it. (Well, part of me likes it, but we'll get to that.) 
I baked brownie/cookies last night from (recipe taken from this lovely site) and could barely even get myself to taste one. Then today, when I brought them into school, I had a bite of one of my friends(we all baked stuff for an english class 'party') and i immediately freaked out and decided needed /wanted to purge. I couldn't though, thank goodness. Then at lunch, I ate but not really enough and I didn't have any type of snack and the day was just generally bad food wise as I was spinning in my head for most of it and almost came to the conclusion that I was going to b/p after school. (I didn't). But yeah so then I had an appt with my dietitian, without whom i would be nowhere, and that went okay. Except for the end when she weighed me. I always get blind weighed, and I can always usually tell by her reaction (i've known her for three years) whether i've gained, lost, maintained, etc. Today when I stepped on the scale though, i got really nervous all of a sudden and started rambling because I could just tell by the way it felt to step on that I had lost, ya know? That's weird for me. It's not like I'm used to "hiding" my weight from professionals or anything, since, being bulimic, I never lost a significant enough amount of weight that it was really the issue, the focus was usually much more on the purging, etc. 
Um yeah I was bored so I took a picture of some toothpicks. Don't judge.

Whatever I'm rambling. But i just wanted to say that. That I'm having a hard time. Because a really large part of me right now is glad that I lost weight. (Even though it's definitely a miniscule amount). That part of me wants to keep restricting/effing with my meals, etc. It's not okay. I'm not going down this road. But i want to. No, i don't. My eating disorder wants to. Gah. 
This. Is. Frustrating.
One step at a time. I can do this. I ate dinner tonight (a good amount) and I actually just had one of my cookies (it was good!!!). Okay. Tonight is good. I'm on track with my work (can you believe i'm doing well in school- wow actually being able to focus& not being distracted by my stomach growling all the time  is really great! ;) ) I'm going to be okay. I can do this. I want recovery. 
The toothpick picture got me thinking about i tried to take a picture of my
bookshelf...which is nerdily color-coated. This is only like two out of 8 shelves and the lighting is bad...
but sometime i'll try to take a better one cause it is actually kinda pretty. :)
love you all. no more failed promises. I promise to keep going forward in my recovery & to keep blogging about it.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

I like my muffins tasty, thanks.

i'm so tired. I think i need to go to the doctor/psychiatrist. My fatigue is getting to be chronic and its annoying, because i wanted to be productive and do work tonight, but all i can think about is sleep!
I was going to post tonight, and i had a ton of pictures for you all, but it took forever (read: at least 20 minutes!) to upload all of them and then i pressed something and they all deleted so now i'm frustrated and just going to go to sleep.
i'll post more tomorrow, i swear.
i don't want to leave ya'll with nothing, because that, i think kind of defeats the purpose of my challenge, to post every day for a week, because i don't think just an excuse really qualifies as a post, so i think i'll share some tidbits of my day with you. 
Well, first off, I baked! I baked (or attempted to bake) double chocolate sour-cream muffins. this was a fail for a few reasons:
1) We (my dad and i) forgot to add the water. I just tasted some of my delicious-LOOKING muffins, and they're hard as rocks. the only good part is the top, with the chocolate chips that are still gooey.
2) They're not actually sour-cream. We used 2% greek yogurt instead. Why, oh why did you violate such a cardinal rule of baking (follow the instructions!), you may ask? My dad, it turns out, is a serious fat-phobic, borderline-anorexic, fucking pain-in-the-ass & triggering asshole. That's why. He refused to let me use sour cream. And got mad when I questioned him about it, and told him how unhelpful it was for me that he was afraid of sour cream and was saying how "bad" it was for me. He is such an asshole. No surprise there.
Let's not even go into the fact that i get so triggered by my parents all the time. And they fail to notice. No matter how many times i tell them that it is NOT OKAY to say things about food around me (aka "that was bad"  "this is fattening" , "i ate too much today" "let's not use butter" ), they, without fail, always are insensitive dumbasses about it. there's no sugar-coating it. 
My dad and I got into a fight while we were baking and it just totally ruined the experience for me. Note to self: bake ALONE. so that you can a: listen to music rather than garrison freaking keiglher and b: HAVE A GOOD TIME and use whatever full-fat ingredients the recipe fucking calls for.
The rest of the day was not as disastrous as the baking was...(thank god!)
I went on a run! With my dad. (this was before the baking disaster). It was actually really nice, and I felt really accomplished (disregard the fact that when asked by my mother how the run was my dad replied that I was "not doing well" because I got a cramp half way if that qualifies as a disaster.)  because I actually ran for a good 20 minutes straight without stopping. And even then I think we ran most of the way. Yay!
I also just slept really late and relaxed and had a good time. I needed the rest, I think.
Anyway, sorry for the lack of photos, perhaps i'll post them tomorrow! Hope everyone had a good saturday!

P.S. Do any of you have parents with eating disorders/ disordered eating? and also...Does anybody have any good baking/cooking mishaps they'd like to share, to relieve poor rose of her shame ;) ?

Friday, October 22, 2010

friday could have come sooner

today was the friday from hell.
i overslept after a weird insomnia-ish night and had to choose between eating breakfast & getting detention or skipping and just being late for class, rather than missing it entirely.
I chose the former.
Reasons for this?
I know how bad it is for me to not eat breakfast. I can't go down that road. Maybe for some other teenagers it's okay (though not ideal) to skip "the- most -important- meal -of -the- day", but for me, I know it's not.
I have to eat breakfast. I have to eat regularly. It's not okay for me to skip  it one day because then it could become the next day, and the next day, and the next. And soon enough, if breakfast isn't "necessary", then why the hell should I eat snacks, or lunch for that matter...
Of course, you knew where I was going with this.
So, I ate breakfast. After jumping out of bed, flustered and late at eight am, I calmed myself down and went to the kitchen and poured myself a big-ass bowl of cereal and just resigned myself to missing first period.
It sucked. The easier thing to do would have been to just go to school and not risk getting in trouble and even maybe feel "accomplished" or something dumb like that for not eating breakfast. The even easier thing to do would have been to say "f*** it" and ask my mom to call me in sick and to just not go to school at all. But I didn't do this. And i'm glad. Today was rough and I was exhausted and running around school working really hard all day, but at least I can lie in bed tonight knowing that I accomplished something. Even though my brain feels like a ball of mush and I'm pretty much convinced that my limbs are going to fall off just because my body is aching with exhaustion, there is something to be said for knowing that I toughed it out today, and ate my food and kept it too. 
Well, I guess  this is all just a long-winded way of saying TGIF, and let's just take a minute to be grateful for the fact that it's the weekend, and for everything, really.
On that note, I'm going to take my ball-of-mush self and go to bed, and maybe i'll sleep a little easier tonight knowing that even though today was a struggle, I've proved that I can field any curveball thrown my way.

I got a Top Anorexia Blog blogger award! (It's in the sidebar) Woohoo!
love you all.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

What IF: I wrote a blog post every day, even if I had "nothing" to say?

I had an idea for a series this morning as I was on my way to school, that I think I am going to try to carry out.
It was, in part, inspired by one of my favorite blogs, Medicinal Marzipan, and "What If Wednesdays". 
I was thinking this morning about how frustrated I am that I don't write here enough. I always have things going through my mind during the day that seem important, or that I want to share, but I usually don't post them because I either:
a) Don't think that I will be able to form my ideas into a "meaningful" or coherent blog post.
b) Fall asleep (we'll get to that later in this post...)
c) Don't think my ideas "count" as good enough to be put into a blog post

Anyway, the moral of the story is, my blog usually gets neglected because of my perfectionism. shocker, eh!?
This is not an original phenomenon for either bloggers or eating disorder recoverers. (Yes, i'm officially dubbing "recoverers" a word, deal with it)
I decided that all of this mumbo-jumbo self-doubt is really doing me & my blog more harm than good. I thought that I might as well challenge myself, and see how things go.
So. Here is my challenge. I am going to write a blog post every day for a week. No. Matter. What.
It doesn't matter if i don't think I have anything interesting to say. No great revelations or insights or topics of discussion.
It doesn't matter if i don't have any cool pictures to share, quotes to reflect on, yadda yadda yadda.
I'm just gonna do this for a week and see where i end up, where the blog ends up. I think it'll be a challenge for me, and definitely a big F^%# you to my perfectionism, but that's what recovery's all about, right?

Tonight's a perfect example of a night that rose wouldn't write a blog post. 
I came home (from a dentist appointment, yuck!) and legit PASSED OUT, DEAD at like 6 pm. 
I had this terrible, terrible nightmare about the holocaust ( I know, don't ask me why) and then something about being the only person left on earth (with my mother, of all people) and it just lasted forever and then next thing I knew, I shot up awake at 10 pm drooling (gross, sorry) and sweating and totally disoriented. 
It was some scary shit. And of course, I hadn't done any of my homework and  I was just totally out of it. Who wants to write a blog post on a night like that?!
But the thing is, I think it's good for me to be writing now. I can't always wait for the perfect moment to write. It's not normal. Plus, then I end up rarely blogging, and i don't like that! So on this weird imperfect night, here I am, typing typing typing...
I went into the kitchen and for some reason (maybe it was b/c of the teeth-cleaning or something) was craving only liquidy things. I tried to break into a new Sarabeths preserves that I was really excited about...but I ended up accidentally slicing off the top. Don't even get me started on my clutziness. I ran back and grabbed my baby camera because I thought it was hilarious...
You know when the top of jars won't come off, so you use a knife? Yeah...

Took the opportunity and dipped some chocolate in it

Just wanted to show you guys the Microwavable Sweet Potato I bought today.
The package says "Potato might whistle while being microwaved"

For some reason I then decided that all i wanted a whole spoonful of my new Goddess dressing. Don't judge.
I had more like 3 spoonfuls and then decided it was time to blog and maybe work and sleep.  

Isn't it cool? 
Moral of the story?
Dont use a knife after you have a dream about the holocaust.
Oh, and, recovery is about not freaking out that all you want for 'snack' is some chocolate with preserves that possibly have glass shards in it, and a few tablespoons of salad dressing. That's how we roll. Roll with the punches. Oh yeah.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

spontaneous saturdays

This is essentially how i feel on saturdays. (image from We Heart It)
there is something about the beginning of the weekend that makes me feel as if the world holds so much possibility. 
I'm blessed to live in one of the most exciting, cosmopolitan and diverse cities in the world. On these mornings I always feel as if the world is at my fingertips and I can do anything I want to do, learn, see beautiful art, watch fascinating people, eat delicious food. 
There's an exciting hum that fills the city breeze on these mornings. I feel like the world is waiting for me to come and grab it.
time to get off my butt and go live.
hope you all have a wonderful saturday.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

AN, BN, EDNOS follow up

So i was going to just write a comment on my last post, but I had too much to say to all of your wonderful feedback, so I thought i'd just respond here. Thank you guys so much for sharing your experiences/thoughts with me on that topic. I feel that in order for the eating disorder field/sphere to really be helpful and effective, it also needs to be truly authentic, because, if eating disorders can be said to be "about" anything they are about non- authenticity and secrets and hiding your true self/feelings, so this is something that I feel must be avoided in the realm of supporting recovery.  
Many of you seemed to really understand where I was coming from in my last post on the stigmatization and shame that often comes with an eating disorder when one is not, at the moment, classifiably an underweight, restricting-type anorexic. Some of you brought up great points about how having a diagnosis of ED-NOS can often be very difficult and shameful, as if you are just "not severe enough" to qualify for the title of "anorexia nervosa" or whatever. The wonderful Tat also mentioned the hardship that comes with being a weight -restored, or even just not skeletal looking person with anorexia. This is so true. We all need to understand and have compassion for each other and fight for the respect of everyone, no matter what they weigh at the moment, and recognize that we all suffer, regardless of what our BMI might be. 
Really guys, thank you so much. I really am interested in this and am looking into doing some more ED advocacy work other than just blogging and this is a great starting point because it is one of the many things that I want to change about this field, so that recovery can be easier for all of the sufferers of this disease.
On that note I thought i'd post this link, because I think it's relevant. 
Let's not even mention the fact that my insurance company was just bought out by Blue Cross Blue Shield, and so now my family and I are trying to figure out the logistics of all the new expenses that are no longer being covered...
It makes me sad to see yet another girl who can't get the treatment she needs. But I also wanted to post the link because it is actually one of the least offensive news coverings of someone with an eating disorder that I have ever seen.
Maybe there is hope?...
But that brings me to the comments on this article. Which Carrie addressed in a blog post that i will also link you to, because it pretty much covers everything I wanted to say and then some. 
Anyway, can't you tell that it's a Thursday? I hardly have enough energy to keep my eyes open to look at the screen.
There will be more interesting things going on in my brain to share with you all once I actually get some sleep.
Until then, you guys rock.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Anorexia and Bulimia in Our Culture: Unspoken Questions

It wasn't until after i started writing a completely different post that i realized what i wanted to write about today. It's a topic that affects me personally and deeply, but also something that is very rarely talked about in the eating disorder community (both on blogs & in treatment or with mental health professionals, and even with friends). 
There isn't exactly a "name" for this topic so, here, i'll try to spell it out for you.
Is Anorexia Nervosa a more serious, deadly, scary, real, or traumatic illness than Bulimia Nervosa or ED-NOS?

(source: thedownsidesofbeingawallflower)
I'd be interested in what people's gut-reactions are to this question. 
I don't mean the well-formulated answers that people think of, I mean the feeling that comes, the spark of thought that enters the brain or heart when this question is posed. (or when it is presented to your face- is there an image that comes to mind when this question is asked?.

I honestly am afraid of asking this question on my blog. I'm afraid of starting this conversation. Its one that I've never seen or heard out in the open, and I think it's time that it's brought to the table.

I, personally, as someone who has always had a "primary diagnosis" of bulimia, have always felt as though i need to "justify" to people that it is an actual illness, with physical consequences and harsh emotional ramifications, like anorexia, despite the fact that it often does not leave it's sufferers looking deathly ill. 
My first-ever example of this was the very day that my mother confronted me about my "vomiting" when she said
"Well, I'm just glad you're not anorexic, I mean, those girls are really crazy."

At the time, I had wanted to jump out of my skin when I heard this and scream at her and lecture her on all the awful things running through my head, and how much I was tormented by this disease every day and every second, and could she please (f!#@ing) realize that this was serious, but of course I shushed myself and threw up to "swallow" my need to speak up.

I understand completely that part of this whole "complex" I have about bulimia not being considered as "serious" as anorexia has to do with my own eating disordered-mindset, and how I personally always feared that I was "not sick enough" as many sufferers do.
I would really like to emphasize however, that this dilemma, I think, reaches beyond that personal "fear" and, I think, is actually a really serious problem that still exists (albeit 'underground') in the eating disorder "sphere".
I honestly am astounded and appalled at the number of top New York City- area Eating disorder 'specialists' (usually with big titles & rather fat pay-checks to show for it)  who have, in one way or another, implied to me (or to other patients or professionals) that weight & how someone looks and whether or not they have lost their menses is the most important factor in determining how "ill" someone really is. There was a psychiatrist at the first treatment center I was at who was almost notorious for telling bulimics that they didn't really have a problem, that being bulimic was just what someone did if they "couldn't be anorexic". (This is a man who did his residency at Stanford University Hospital under world-renowned eating disorder researchers). 
I'd like to look at the researchers, and ask why there is always much, much more research done on Anorexia than Bulimia? Why when I type either one in on PubMed do I get over 22,000 results for anorexia and a less than 7,000 results for bulimia? 
Why, when I visit a website that advocates for Maudsley (or Family-based treatment) , is there a video on the front page about how to treat Anorexia whereas I have to search for information about treating Bulimia? (I say this not to be a nit-picky complainer, but because these subtleties are important. this is how we are taught, in school, to read between the lines and to pick up on the editors' (or writers' or poets' or artists') message, to understand what is really being fed to us and to be conscious, educated consumers of information.
Why do I always find more blogs that are written by women/men recovering from Anorexia (or some {often restricting} form of ED-NOS) than Bulimia? 
Is it shame? 
Is it more shameful to say "I was bulimic" than to say "I was anorexic" ? Do you want my honest answer?
I think it IS slightly more shameful. 
I hate saying that i was bulimic. 
It seems like it's the difference between saying: Hello, yes, I used to stick my fingers down my throat all the time and I wasn't even skinny! or Yes, I starved myself, and my sick body looked similar to that of one of the highly paid fashion models who represent a sick & twisted beauty standard that is idealized in a very confused culture.

(source: sagaseahorse)
What would you rather say?

I'd like to clarify a few things, so that I am not hated by all the wonderful people who decided to read this blogpost. 
I am not trying to say that being bulimic is harder than being anorexic, or anything RIDICULOUS like that. I am talking about the way in which culture (and yes, even our insulated culture in the eating disorder world- meaning those who are even EDUCATED & EXPERIENCED in the eating disorder field) tends to still idolize, or idealize, or freak out about Anorexia more often and more strongly than it does Bulimia. 
This is separate from a persons personal experience of either illness, and is about how they are talked about & treated.
Also, that being said, many (and I mean MANY) of my best friends (from treatment) suffered from Anorexia. I relate to and respect them, their struggles and their strengths, and talk to them about everything & anything under the sun and I love them to pieces. Many of the ED related blogs that I read are written by people who are recovering/recovered from Anorexia. This opinion that I am sharing has nothing (and i mean NOTHING) to do with how I relate to other ED sufferers in the world, it is simply a cultural nuance that disturbs and perplexes me.
I'm not trying to blame anyone. I wanted to bring this up because it affects me personally, and I feel very strongly about it and have never really had a platform on which to speak about it. I want us to move forward in the ED world, and learn how to move past "undercurrent" issues like this, so that there are no latent stigmatizations or unspoken judgements that are not out in the open, so that EATING DISORDERS are the only battle that we have to fight. 

On an only slightly related note, here's a video for you, that made me feel better after a rough body-image day (it's a good video for multiple reasons, but i won't ramble more right now!)


Sunday, October 10, 2010

How to Save a Life

I've never actually met this girl, Sofia. 
We've never talked face-to-face.
I only knew who she was because my friend, L told me about her.
I have to admit,  I was skeptical.
Why should I tell people to give money to a girl who they don't even know, who I don't even know and when we all don't even know for sure that this treatment we are helping to pay for is going to be effective?
I can tell you why.
First let me remind you of this:
Energy can neither be created nor destroyed: it can only be transformed from one state to another.
I've spoken to Sofia on the phone a few times now.
I honestly am truly amazed at her strength, courage, and wisdom in the face of all her darkness.
Our last phone conversation was on last Saturday. I was a MESS on saturday, to say the least. 
I had b&p'd multiple times that day. I felt like shit and was beating myself up about the 'lapse', or whatever you want to call it. I was lying in bed feeling sorry for myself. I called Sofia. 

Talking so Sofia reminded me of why I want to do this. It reminded me of why I want to get better.
I want to get better because nobody should have to go through the hell of an eating disorder. Period.
Beyond that though, I want to get better because I want to change this. I want to change how people are treated. How is it that someone as beautiful, loving, and deserving as Sofia has gone for this long being denied the necessary treatment, care, help she needs?
I find it outrageous. I want  to change this. 
I want to get better because I want to honestly be able to give Sofia encouragement in her recovery.
I want to be able to tell her that it will get better. I know it will. 
I want to get better because sometimes helping other people makes us feel better about ourselves, no matter what shitty situation we feel we may be in. 
I want to get better because Sofia inspires me. Her insight and openness on the phone inspired me. Her love and gratitude. Her humility and bravery inspired me. 
I want to help Sofia save her own life. 
Lets go back to the ninth-grade biology rule that I wanted to share with you: Energy can neither be created nor destroyed: it can only be transformed from one state to another.
My question is this: What could be done with all the energy, the positivity, the strength, the generosity, the love that Sofia has now-still in the grips of an eating disorder....what could be done with all of this radiance when she is given the chance to get well?
I guess it's up to all of us to help find the answer. 
Please, please give to Sofia's fund or pass it on to others who might have the means to donate or to show it to more people. 
To My Dearest Sofia & all of us in Recovery, let's get better so that we can change the world, so that nobody ever has to face this darkness again, or so that when they do, we can all be there to stand by their side. 

Click here to save a life.
(image from

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Autumn: Neda Walk, Hot Cocoa & Comfy Sweaters

Hi Lovelies!
I hope everyone is having a good weekend.
Yesterday morning I decided to see what all the fuss was about and make myself some Oatmeal! Everyone in the blogosphere seems to be obsessed with oats, so i decided to jump on the breakfast bandwagon ;). I decided to make my own recipe which I will call Hot Chocolate Oats.

Doesn't it just LOOK delicious? It's amazing. I finally decided to try a more
natural (&more expensive! Eek!) alternative to my trademark Nutella. 

I also just wanted to share this loveliness. I had never seen a container of Fage
this big before! It's a heaven send. I mean, I literally go through the medium container in three days- so
clearly this was made just for me!

I wanted some chocolate in mine, b/c i love chocolate in EVERYTHING,
but i didn't have any plain cocoa powder, so I just used a swiss miss packet.

At one point i got worried that it was never going to cook...jeez  it is a long process! 

But no worries, eventually it worked!

And the finished product...

added some walnuts, Fage, dried blueberries & Justin's Chocolate Hazelnut Butter. YUM!

Was craving some brussel sprouts around lunchtime today...

Steamed and then grilled with some olive oil, balsamic & honey. Delicious.

Homemade turkey burger w/ chipotle sauce, fresh mozzarella
& tomato on a whole wheat sandwich thin.

One of my favorite things about autumn? The clothing! I love scarves and big comfy sweaters. I went shopping with my dad yesterday (it was supposed to be for him but he's picky and didn't get anything) I got two sweaters and a pair of shoes...

Cashmere & Cotton. The camel is from Calypso & the Grey is H& M. The grey
one was originally my dad's but I pretty much inherited it when we walked out of the store and I told him I was cold...

shoes! Note: Yes, the bottom is already filthy...I might have (shamelessly) worn them out of the store..

In Eating Disorder news...
I went to the 2nd annual NYC Neda walk today

This is when the walk finally started. It was freezing out, so I was relieved!
It was a really great event, I'm so glad I went! A lot of the speakers were really touching. Lynn Grefe, the head of NEDA spoke really well. Judy Arvin, of Someday Melissa, spoke, as she did last year only five months after her daughter died from a hard struggle with bulimia. Jenni Schaefer spoke and sang a song for us "It's okay to be happy". A few other people spoke, and I have to admit, I cried at a couple  of the stories

I caught up with some of my friends from  treatment (not the last place I was at), which was nice. I don't feel all that connected to a lot of the girls, like i was last year. Its nice to see people, but its also really great to know that I've come a long way since  I last was with them, I feel like a different person now than the person that they knew (in a very good way)  :)

Me (on the right)and my friend Sammy -who  i still see /talk to pretty often, mostly b/c
i see her in the waiting room at my dietitian's office pretty frequently ;) 

I was had a really hard day yesterday. It was so good to get out, enjoy the new October chill ( I LOVE Autumn weather- couldn't you tell?) I almost didn't go, but I'm so glad I got my butt out of bed and made myself go. I am so glad that NEDA exists and is growing and working hard to help all of us fighting this awful disease. We all deserve recovery. I need to remember that on days like yesterday, I need to fight for myself ,because there are men & women who can't any longer.

Finally, Willy wants to say hi & congratulations for getting through this monster of a post!

Excitedly licking peanut butter off of a spoon, of course!