Tuesday, May 31, 2011


i saw the title of a post (or article, or some kind of written-internet-thingy) today that sparked my thinking about what it means to have a "perfect food day".
This kind of lingo is pretty typical in the eating disorder world.
Back when I used to talk to girls who were actively sick, we would discuss what we ate that day, and idealize what our "perfect food day" would be like.
For one girl, it would be eating X amount of calories, exactly. For another, it meant only eating at 12 pm and 5pm. For me, it meant eating nothing, but that wasn't even enough.
Eating disorders set up this kind of "receding horizon" (as I like to call it) in our minds. People with eating disorders are constantly striving towards some kind of unattainable goal, a target that keeps moving. It's like chasing a shadow.
We all know the story : girl loses five pounds and decides she wants to lose five more. She loses five more and decides she wants to lose ten more, and so on.
I would cut down my calories constantly, even down to the point where NO FOOD wasn't okay, and then where was I left? Chasing a freaking non-existent shadow.
I think this phenomenon doesn't only apply to eating disorders, though.
Think of a marathon runner. He or she didn't start out as a marathon runner, right? It's like someone who starts running, and then decides they like it. So they start running, say, five miles a week. And then maybe five miles 3 times a week. And then maybe 5 times a day. Then they do a 5k, and then a 10k, and then a marathon. And then more marathons. And, you get the point.
The problem, I think, is that in our society we all buy into this mindset of "more, more, more". The "American Dream", so to speak, is ruining us. It's this idea that nothing is ever okay just as it is that is causing us to be so dissatisfied with ourselves and our lives, even though our actual bodies and lives are really probably fine as is and would be okay if we just accepted them as they are right now.

I wanted to leave you with this song by Christina Perri today.
I'm not gonna analyze it for you, I think you all can figure out what I think it means...

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Writer's block

I have writer's block.
And I'm not talking about "blogging block". That's an issue for a different day.
I'm talking about actual writers block.
Writer's block that matters. As in rose doesn't write, rose in trouble kinda stuff.

It's about a research paper.
Now before you all go and close the page just from initial gut reaction that we all get when the words "research" and "paper" are used in the same sentence, let me first tell you what it's about (or what it will be about)

kinda interesting...right?

Well yeah. Its super interesting. And I'm thrilled that I get to write a paper about this and not about, say, the French Revolution or something (sorry to all you European history buffs out there)

The problem with this paper is that  there is so much stuff.
So much stuff to write about to cover to remember, that it all gets overwhelming. I hate that feeling.
It's actually quite similar to the feeling i get when I put off blogging for a while. All of a sudden there's this pit in my stomach that tells me that there is too much I'm losing track of, too many pictures backed up on my camera, and too many stories and ideas with their origins long past.

If you get a chance, I think you all should read The Beauty Myth. (or maybe you could just read my paper, it'll be much shorter)
Although it's a little (read: very) redundant at times, it's a good feminist analysis of our society and the reasons why and ways in which images of beauty are used to subordinate women in a culture that is so accustomed to male-dominance in every sphere.
Anywho, that was just a little update, I'll probably post more later this week or this weekend because i plan on fitting some baking into my procrastination schedule ;)

Monday, May 9, 2011

figuring out what's important

Hey guys! Sorry for the prolonged absence. I'm not even going to go into it, i'm a second semester junior and it's just craaaaaaaaazy! (I also haven't been using my camera very much, which is what usually inspires my posts in the first place) so theere you have it. let's begin.

I'm coming to realize that life really is all about what you value. Leading a good life means making decisions that prioritize what your values are, and following through with things that will help you achieve your most important goals.
This applies to so many things.
Last week,  I was having a bit of a dilemma (and still kind of am) about what math class I should take next year: Calculus or Statistics. Both are AP classes, but Calculus is often viewed (by college admissions officers) as more rigorous and thus, more "commendable".

this is basically how I always want to answer math questions...
Let's get this straight for a second: I am NOT good at math. In fact, I am more than not good at math, my brain and math basically just don't mix. period.
So, lucky me, when I find myself in a dilemma where my First Choice College is one of the few selective colleges that "prefers" applicants who have taken Calculus, rather than Statistics.
What's a girl to do?
After lots of talking and thinking and talking some more about this issue, I realized it's really about what I value in life. Do I value this college so highly that I am willing to take a risk in taking Calculus, even if that might mean that I struggle consistently all year? Or, do I forget about what First Choice U wants and take Statistics, hoping that perhaps, a less "mathy" math will jive with my brain cells?
It's not an easy decision, but it's one that I am capable of thinking about rationally and making thoughtfully.
When it comes down to it, it is also a decision about how hard I want to push myself.
When I reflect on past times when I have pushed myself before, I know that it has backfired, that i have resented it. Example? Bulimia.
push myself not to eat and to exercise and to deny myself of all things good until, finally, my inner-self rebels and all hell breaks loose and I am left back where I started, except a little more flattened out and a lot less okay.
Every day those of us in recovery have to make a decision: what is more important to us: being "thin" and "perfect" or being happy and alive? Recently, I've been choosing the latter, and that works out a little bit better.
So what will it be: Calc or Stat?
To be perfectly honest, when I sat down to write  this post ten minutes ago, I was pretty sure I was going to "suck it up" and take Calc. Now I'm not so sure.
See, this is why I need you guys! You help me make the right decisions.
Oh, and  now I remember why I love blogging.

What is a decision that you have had to make recently that really brought your values into light? How did you choose?

Happy Monday! (kinda?) 
xo, Rose