Friday, July 16, 2010

And the best insights always come early in the morning

i fell asleep at around 9:30 tonight.
And then woke up at around 2:15, confused about what day it was.
Lying in bed, I started thinking about bingeing&purging loss.
Well, for the sake of full disclosure, at first I started thinking about food, naturally.
I thought "What's in the kitchen? I want food!" and then "Am i really hungry? What do i actually want?"
And my honest answer to myself came easily this time:
I want something to fill the fucking ginormous hole inside of me. 
I feel hollow.
I feel like there is a huge fucking hole in my chest where people used to be.
I literally feel like a walking void.
I have lost so much.
I think I am finally, really really clearly able to see how & why I am so accustomed to just filling this void with food. 
An excerpt from my journal tonight...
"So here I am left with a hole in my chest and all I want to do is fill it with food. Well..chests aren’t made for food but I guess they can be confused with stomachs sometime. Basically, it’s not going to solve the problem. It could trick me into thinking that it has solved the problem, cause a filled(and then consequently, of course, empty) stomach could be easily mistaken for a chest full of love, however, it’s not going to do anything for the long run. But I guess the struggle is sitting with this empty chest. This really just sucks. I don’t know, I may or may not go into the kitchen now, but either way, I feel like it finally makes sense, and it feels a lot like loss."
All of this loss and pain recently finally makes sense. 
All of the pain that i felt about losing R when i left MNV ( & I'm lYk $O tRendy w/ My SYmbolz) was really just built up pain of all the loss that i had experienced before. It's not ONLY about her. It's about the multitude of people who i feel I have lost in the past. Except before, I was actively bulimic, and so i never really allowed myself to feel the pain or the weight (pun intended...) of those losses. This is an unknown, unfamiliar pain. 
{So, it's kind of like being hit on the head with a ball- it hurts the same amount as it would if i knew beforehand that i was going to be hit with a ball, but it's just more shocking this way (without warning), so the pain feels worse.}

I hate to admit it (and by hate, I mean, basically goes against my religion to admit that the therapists are actually right sometimes...) but my relationship with R really was like a microcosm of all my other relationships!(

I'm not going to go into it here but I really have had a lot of loss in the past few years. Most of these losses were friendships that were really dear to me, and I never really was given the chance to grieve them, because I was too intent on being bulimic and avoiding actual ingestion of food feelings at all costs. 

So here I am, left with this emptiness. I know what I used to do with it. And I know that eating to fix my loneliness is just about as effective as brushing my teeth to "help" my anger- it wont actually address the problem and, in the end, i'll probably just fuck up my teeth. I also know what I can do with this. I can choose to just sit with this emptiness and feel the hollowness and know that this just comes from years and years of loss, and only now am i able to feel it. I have a choice to make.
Aside from that though, it's nice to feel that things are making sense. Everything has felt so chaotic in my mind recently , and it feel like a relief to have my pain at least make sense, for once.
I'm feeling poetic, so here goes:

And the best insights always come early in the morning
or, as some would have it, very late at night.
The matter is, i finally understand this feeling
and, to describe it, well, - it feels a lot like loss.


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