"And here we go again..."

Quoting a Paramore song for this post
it seems appropriate...i'll post the whole song at the bottom.
So, the eating disorder behaviors have gotten kind of out of control at this point.
It needs to stop now.
I talked to L yesterday and I agree with her that we need to fight this immediately and aggressively.
I've been bingeing and purging (not exactly bingeing...it's all semantics anyway though) way too much lately and it has just gotten out of control. It has been two weeks I think since I started purging again and it just needs to stop now. It has spiraled out so so fast, and it's really scaring me.
At first, I have to admit, it was sort of a relief.
It felt nice. The purging gave me a release, it numbed the pain that i didn't want to feel and it was that quick fix that i had been looking for.
But it really has gotten ridiculous so quickly and it's not going anywhere good and it feels awful already and so I'm going to fight it.
Never, in the past, would i have understood or agreed with what L said in my conversation with her yesterday. But i have a lot more knowledge of the disease now, and the proper treatment of it, and I do respect and understand (finally) that this is a serious issue, and real disease, and i know that we must be aggressive in the treatment of it. L said we have to treat it like it's cancer. You wouldn't wait for an already seen tumor to get bigger and bigger before bringing someone in for chemo. You would deal with it effectively right there and then.
That being said, I'm just trying to get my symptoms under control at the moment, and accepting that that is what i have to focus on right now.
I have a lot of other shit going on in my head right now (i literally feel like a there is just a messy knot of issues and problems and worries growing inside my brain right now) but I am going to just focus on the behavioral for the moment, regardless of what else might be "in there"
Because of all this, I really having nothing insightful to say right now, I'm (needless to say) having a really really really hard time  right now and feeling quite awful, so I'm just gonna end now with the lovely Paramore...


"And here we go again
With all the things you said
And not a minute spent
To think that we'd regret
So we just take it back,
These words and hold our breath
Forget the things we swore we meant
I'll write you just to let you know that I'm alright
Can't say I'm sad to see you go
Cause I'm not. (No I'm not) Well, I'm not.
And here we go again
With all the things we did
And now I'm wondering
Just who would I have been
To be the one attached
At all time to your hip?
Forget the things we swore we meant.
I'll write you just to let you know that I'm alright
Can't say I'm sad to see you go
Cause I'm not, no I'm not.
Well, I'm not. (No, I'm not, no I'm not).
I'll write you to let you know that I'm alright
Can't say I'm sad to see you go
Cause I'm not (no, I'm not)
Well, I'm not (no, I'm not)
I'm not, I'm not.
And here we go again
With all the things you said
And not a minute spent
To think that we'd regret
So we just take it back "