Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Buhhhhhh-rain chemistry

Had an interesting conversation with L today about brain chemistry.
(That is, if you can even call it a conversation, it was more like one of our little episodes where i'm just napping chilling on her couch while she rambles on about life)  I swear to god i love that woman and listening to her craziness just about always makes my day...
Anyway, she started talking about how we are all wired really really differently, and we are all meant to function differently in the world, and yet people try to fit themselves into these little boxes (which I like to call "societal norms") even when that just isn't right for them- and i think that is just SO TRUE.
I've been really frustrated with myself recently because i've been feeling so lethargic, and i've been feeling like something is "wrong" with me. I get home from work these days, and I'm just exhausted. And i feel awful for feeling that way, because in my head, and in this society, it's as if i should still be a ball of energy and now i should want to go do 6489229404050 more things! I know so many people (particularly lots of ED people) who are exactly the opposite and are super hyperactive and can't ever sit still and are bouncing off the walls. *
Anyway, the thing L said to me which simultaneously cracked me up and got me thinking was "Well, I think you just need to become a Buddhist".
Seriously though. I really am just a very chill, relaxed person. Apparently, as i have been told by many people, I have a very calm demeanor. I move slowly, I think fast, but I act on things carefully (except for when i'm crazy and impulsive, but that's a different story) I think that he way that I am is just not the desirable by societal standards, and I think that's where I run into troubule.
I have all these things I feel like i should be doing, but really, I don't want to, and maybe I need to learn to just be okay with that? Maybe it's just the way i'm hard-wired?

Anyway, it's super duper gross out today, I dont understand July city weather! I hate it so much! One day (aka yesterday when  I had to run/walk 60 blocks to do an errand for my boss!) it's like 100 degrees and disgustingly sunny out and then today its like torrential rain. WHAT THE HELL?! The rain also totally adds to my lethargy, which is very frustrating, and not at ALL good for my overall productivity at work (which was, today, about zilch)

Right now I'm reading the book Born Round by Frank Bruni. It's a memoir that i picked up because I remember reading a piece of his "I Was a Baby Bulimic" in the New York Times Magazine.Click here to read it. (it's not nearly as weird as it sounds, btw) One of the lines that I picked out from the book though, seems to fit well with this post...

"Born round, you don't die square"

Ok, that was my random thought for the day, on to research how to convert to buddhism...

* I think it would be interesting to look at brain images and see where people with different diagnoses of eating disorders fit on the spectrum of slow-brain - fast brain lol i'm so technical!!! put it this way: RoseBrain-BouncingOffTheWalls/SuperProductive/Energetic Brain
I have a hunch that those on the bulimia side of the spectrum would be on the Rose camp, while those with tending towards AN would be more likely on the other side. I'm guessing this also could be correlated with the hyperactivity that often occurs with starvation induced in AN? Hmph. 

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