Thursday, July 8, 2010

How To Grieve

That is my latest google search. 
Genius, right?
I kind of came to the conclusion today that a lot of my sadness and pain (and hence, eating disorder shit) is the result of me really really really freaking really missing my therapist from my Tx center, R.
And that really sucks.
First off, it sucks to admit it. It sucks to admit that I am that vulnerable, that I care so much about her, and needed her so much, and trusted and liked and loved her so much that I can feel this much pain because that is gone. It's embarrassing. Its as if I don't like people knowing that they mean that much to me. I can't tell R that she means that much to me, that, again, would be "too vulnerable". 
It sucks because I almost feel like i don't want to grieve this loss. I don't want to admit that it's necessary. That, my friends, brings us, I think, to the first stage of grief: Denial. It's like i want to just stay in this little bubble of "not caring" (which is, and always has been, my default when i sense ANY pain) rather than just accepting that fact that I feel this way, and that I need to really deal with this loss and the pain, vulnerability, and embarrassment that it brings me. 
The second stage of grief is Anger. And yep, I totally feel that. An excerpt from my journal tonight:

"I miss R so much. I feel so angry at her for not being here. I am so angry at her for saying what she said tonight. I’m pretty sure the only thing that she could’ve said that would NOT have made me angry would have been 'I love you too and I miss you too so much and its okay for you to miss me because I can still BE in your life'. But she didn’t say that."

And the frustrating, simple truth of the matter is this : she CAN'T say what I wish she would say (the one thing that would NOT make me angry) because that's just not possible. She legally and physically and also, probably, emotionally, cannot be in my life anymore, except in little tidbits that to me, feel vastly insufficient. 
The third stage of grief is Bargaining, or "attempting to make deals with or begging, wishing, or praying for the loved one to come back". I don't think I've done this yet and I really don't think I will. But, hey, seeing my track record --- I might very well soon call R and beg her to fly out to NYC and live with me, eh?  ;)
Next, number four, is Depression: "overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal."
Well I know what that feels like...and I'm pretty sure I'm already in/moving through that one.
And finally, the hoped for numero cinco : Acceptance. "a decision to be at peace with the way things are.  To know that no amount of denial, bargaining, anger or depression is going to recover our loss.  We begin to accept that loss is part of life.  It's not good or bad...just how it is.  So we decide to go on, to find joy in our lives and to bring joy to the lives of others. "
I know I've heard of Radical Acceptance, as is discussed/taught in DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy), but i have never been very good at it, and so i suspect that number five might be a little bit of a toughie for me, but i know its something i need to work towards.
A final excerpt from my journal, which has some insight, along with some big questions...

"But isn’t fighting that suffering, that missing her, going to make it worse. Isn’t the rejection of suffering the cause of all suffering or some Buddhist shit like that? Then doesn’t that mean that I’m just making it WORSE by trying to find some way to not feel that? Yes. Yes it does. But how do I feel that? How do I allow myself to feel that much pain, and just let it be okay, and know that it will pass, even when I’m not really sure that it will. It just feels like more pain than I’ve ever sat with before. It feels like the biggest pain ever. Maybe I’m just being impatient? I think I kind of have a hard time with acceptance because I feel like…okay---I've accepted it…now what?"

1 comment:

  1. I think it is going to be tough. She was so good to you and you want someone to be able to talk to and know what they are talking about when they give you advice.

    It's going to be hard, you know that. It might even take until you start school and you make some friends to talk to that you find an alternative to her. I don't know, really.

    I just hope that it isn't this painful for you for too much longer.