The Weepies

"But in the end the only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself"

-Can't Go Back Now, The Weepies

This weekend on our drive out to the beach house, my dad let me play my ipod in the car.

He was trying (sweetly) to engage with me about my music and asked what the band name was of one of the songs and i said, The Weepies! He said "Oh, yeah, they do sound a little weepy"

Ha, He's a cute man when he wants to be.

That's not the point of this post though.

I want to say a couple of things. 

First is that that song "Can't Go Back Now" makes me wonder--- Have the people who have written that song been in residential treatment!? It certainly sounds like it. I can relate to that song in so many ways, and it just really resonates with my experience of being in residential treatment for my eating disorder and then having to leave and do my recovery on my own. I posted it below for reference, because aside from the song sounding great, the lyrics are phenomenal. 

The next thing is the quote I put up there. Today, was a really big step, I think, in terms of my recovery.

After my slip last night, I really was having a rough time, and, after one of my close friends kind of slipped away this afternoon and didnt follow through with our plans, I was feeling really shitty and planning on bingeing and purging. My thought process was: Hey- I have the house to myself till tomorrow night, I have money and I feel like shit- so why not?! 

I was really going to do it. I texted R, and she is on vacation so told me she could not talk, to call MNV instead. Psht. I texted two friends of mine, who were both really helpful, but I was still feeling pretty willful. 

Then I left my friend P's house and walked slowly to the supermarket, which I knew (because I had deviously checked earlier) , didn't close until 10. I stood outside the supermarket for like 20 minutes, on the phone with a therapist from MNV, kind of half listening to what she was saying, and half thinking to myself how I was going to b/p anyway. I got off the phone, stalled for a bit, smoked a cigarette, emailed my dietitian, but then just jumped in a cab. 

It felt liberating.

I felt really accomplished, for the first time , ever really.

I felt like I had given myself permission to b/p and then I really fought the battle and made the choice not to, to do the right thing, and that feels good. 

I'm proud of myself. 

I think this does feel like it really matters, because I do truly feel like I for once had the strength to do it, and although I had some help from my friends (winkwink) , i know that it was something I did by myself.

One of the things I was saying to myself while I was in the cab was "it's okay baby, you can go home and just cry if you want to, it's okay, you can cry if you need to"

I gave myself permission to cry, and that felt good. I knew that b/ping was an attempt to escape from those feelings, but I gave myself permission to feel- to have "the weepies" ;) . 

Gratitudes

1. L and K, my wonderful friends, without whom i would be nowhere

2. Music 

3.E, the therapist I talked to today, who when I was at MNV, was far from my favorite person, but really was so wonderful today on the phone, and i really really appreciate her caring.

The Weepies: Can't Go Back Now

Yesterday, when you were young,

Everything you needed done was done for you.
Now you do it on your own
But you find you're all alone,
What can you do?
You and me walk on
Cause you can't go back now.
You know there will be days when you're so tired that you can't take another step,
The night will have no stars and you'll think you've gone as far as you will ever get
But you and me walk on
Cause you can't go back now
And yeah, yeah, go where you want to go
Be what you want to be,
If you ever turn around, you'll see me.
I can't really say why everybody wishes they were somewhere else
But in the end, the only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself
And you and me walk on
Yeah you and me walk on
Cause you can't go back now
Walk on, walk on, walk on
You can't go back now