proc·ess[pros-es; especially Brit. proh-ses] Show IPAnoun, plural proc·ess·es [pros-es-iz, ‐uh-siz, ‐uh-seez or, especially Brit., proh-ses‐, proh-suh‐]
1.a systematic series of actions directed to some end: todevise a process for homogenizing milk.
2.a continuous action, operation, or series of changes takingplace in a definite manner: the process of decay.
6.the action of going forward or on.
7.the condition of being carried on
8.course or lapse, as of time.
So...I purged last night. For the first time in six months.
L (my dietitian) called me afterwards because I had texted her before I did it.
I guess it was good to talk to her. although i find it really shameful to say "I threw up".
She has been constantly reminding me that "recovery is a process" and that means that it doesn't happen overnight. Just because I purged, doesn't mean i'm in a full-blown relapse. It just means that I need to be more careful and take it as a sign that I need extra support right now and I need to take really good care of myself.
She said that it was inevitable that I was going to purge SOMETIME in my recovery. I understand that. It has been my coping mechanism for so long, how could I just expect myself to NEVER do it again?
She also validated that I am pretty much living my own personal hell right now, and that, to top it off, it's a holiday.
Holidays are hard for people with eating disorders. They tend to revolve around three major things: Being social, Looking good, and Eating. These are three pretty big sore spots those of us with EDs tend have. Theres a post secret card that I think says it perfectly today:
Anyway, aside from the jokes, I just thought I'd put it out there, so that I can move on.