Monday, August 30, 2010

I can't tell you what it really is

I can only tell you what it feels like.  
This is my general problem, always. I blinded by my emotions over and over again.
When I'm sad, it's like i'm wearing special glasses and all i can see in the world is worthlessness and hate.
When I'm happy, I have no doubts, no fears, no inhibitions, and everything seems to have meaning.
I get so frustrated with this.
Sometimes I just wish that I could be more level-headed- and see the world as it really is (not just through some tinted lens of emotional highs and lows) for once.
I'm not gonna lie- I LOVE the days when life is grand and I'm in my deliriously happy-no one can stop me- world at my fingertips type frenzy. But i'm not sure the highs are worth it when the other half is full of gloom and doom and no way out.
I was thinking about all this the other day when I came across a post written by Lesley over at Fatshionista and she was writing "To the sixteen-year-olds of the world"
I think it at least makes light of this whole up & down-ness that is my life, and sheds some seriously needed insight.

Everything to you right now is vivid and surreal and overwhelming. Your life is like a film you’re composing with bandaged hands and serious case of writer’s block. Everything is open to you, though, and little is impossible now, and this will eventually change, so embrace it.
The older you get, the quicker time will pass, like a microcosm of the universe that is expanding faster and faster as everything flies away from everything else. Today things that are a month away seem impossibly distant, but when you are twice your current age a month will become a devastatingly brief period, surely not long enough to do everything you need to do before then, surely not. At this future time you may look back on these days wistfully, longingly; or you may look back and think, “There is no amount of money in the world that could compel me to be 16 again, not for a day, not for an hour.” Either way your experiences and choices now will have profoundly shaped the person you become.
You will, slowly, cease to feel everything so acutely. Pain will hurt less, but joy will be more fleeting. Injustices that once seemed outrageous and blinding will fade into the grey background noise of life. Some of you will be relieved to leave this behind; some of you will fight ferociously to chase after your enthusiasm and your rage and to not let it slip out of view over the horizon.
Do not forget your friends from these days, but do not let them be the only friends you keep over your life. Someday you will look back at the people you knew and the things you did and shake your head with sheepish embarrassment, but hopefully with sympathy for your younger, stupider self. It is okay to be stupid. It is okay to not know what you’re doing. It is sublimely okay to make mistakes and cause catastrophes, so long as you learn from them.
Do not hate yourself. Have regrets, engage in second-guessing, be insecure, scared, desperate, lonely. But do not hate yourself. Do not hate your body, because whatever about it bothers you today will seem patently ridiculous years from now. Do not punish yourself, mentally or physically, for failing to look a certain way; for not striving to be an athlete or a model; for being socially awkward; for never quite living up to the expectations others set for you. Do not punish anyone else. Even the most confident and popular among you struggle with insecurities and pressures, no matter what you say. Be kind.
This is a magical time of your life. I don’t mean a sparkling Disney magic, but a cataclysmic wrath-of-god magic. Everything is changing, all of the time, but years from now it will seem nothing is changing, ever, and change will only come through a whole lot of effort, or with resistance, or with crisis. In the meantime, eat ice cream, listen to music that speaks to your soul, go on long pointless late-night drives to nowhere with your friends, windows down. Walk in the rain. Wear whatever you want, even if people stare. Have fun. Be safe. Most importantly: have fun.

I think a lot of this roller-coaster-ness is really normal in recovery. Even for those who are no longer the "sixteen-year-olds" of the world- eating disorders delay maturation- when you give it up, you are essentially making up for all of those years that you weren't really living, or really feeling, anyway.

Sorry for not posting for so long! I was on vacation with my familia in the wonderful City of Angels in CA- and I was so busy and excited that I didn't have time for the blog world but I'm back and happy to be in my own bed again. (Willy is too- his smelly, unwashed-dog-self is conked out by my feet, ensuring that my favorite purple blanket isn't lacking in the fur department)
I forgot to take pictures on my trip (GRR- I'm so mad about this!). But I think i'm going to go buy an actual (read: not my phone) camera tomorrow - so get ready for excitingness. :)
Anyway, I hope everyone is doing well, and enjoying the last few days of summer. Here's to tomorrow, and to hoping that we can see beyond our glasses, or we at least get rose-tinted ones.


  1. This post may have been long but every word was necessary and inspiring to me. I have felt these "emotions" before and throughout recovery, I am discovering new emotions that "normal" people the other day I experienced sadness with anger or confusion.

    It gets better. hold on. stay strong and take care of yourself...


  2. I have been trying to please my father for the last 34 years, to no avail. And yet, I can't stop trying! I have no words of wisdom but I do want you to know you aren't the only one in this situation. Hope that makes you feel a tiny bit better!

  3. I have been trying to please my father for the last 34 years, to no avail. And yet, I can't stop trying! I have no words of wisdom but I do want you to know you aren't the only one in this situation. Hope that makes you feel a tiny bit better!