If i were a boy, (cue popular Beyonce song) maybe I wouldn't take everything so damn seriously all the time. (Note: the sentence that I just wrote basically beats every line of that entire song)
Really, though.
You know when you go on Facebook, and your news feed comes up and it tells you like everything that every single person you have ever met has been doing over the past few days!? Well, sometimes this is fine and whatever, and I just skip to the parts that I'm interested in and get on with my life. But sometimes, this really sucks.
I went on Facebook today and my least favorite thing happened. Pictures from a party with lots of my old friends came up.
I hate this.
Not because I hate looking at dumb pictures of my friends playing beer pong
More so because...nobody told me there was a party going on.
See, i haven't really been connected to my old friends for a while, because I went to boarding school (in hopes of separating from my family, and thus doing better with my ED) and then off to treatment this year. So, all of the people who i was really close with are now going to be seniors and I'm just kinda going back this year, sorta an outcast. It really sucks. And to make it worse, my best friend in the whole world and I, let's call her M, are, well, no longer friends.
I never thought I would be one of those people to be like "yeah, I lost friends to my eating disorder."
I thought that only happened if you were like a raging, psycho anorexic bitch who like threw temper tantrums when your friends tried to get you to eat a bagel, or something. (No offense or anything to anyone who ever did that...) I never thought that my friends would just like, ya know, get sick of me. But i realize now that when I was really sick i was kind of a major pain in the ass. So yeah, I've lost my best friend.
Anyway, back to Facebook, naturally, I looked at this album over and over again and analyzed every single picture. I looked at my friends (or exes) facial expressions and tried to determine if they were having fun or not, and more narcissistically, if anyone had ever thought of inviting me.
I like to call this- One of The Ways that Rose implements Blatant Self Torture.
I saw this picture the other day- and kind of liked the way that everything was (humorously, of course) reduced to a simple equation.
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| (My personal favorite is Modern Art...) |
I think a lot of the ways in which I torture myself have to do with how I analyze everything to death.
Hence, the title of this blog.
I spin and spin and spin in my head until I can't anymore, and then I settle on some conclusion that make me feel like a worthless piece of shit anyway.
So maybe I should get out of the habit of doing that, yeah?
Anyway, just thought I'd share that, because I'm pretty sure that it's something lots of us have in common.
xxx
Rose
Ugh, Facebook really does suck. I, too, have lost some friends to my eating disorder despite not being one of the raging, psycho ones, and I'm definitely familiar with the pain of stumbling across facebook albums of all of them and overanalyzing each picture. Know that you're not alone!!! And I really do believe we can all overcome the self-critcism and over-analyzing that fuels our ED's. Take care!!
ReplyDeletei totally agree and I LOVE YOUR PICTURE. it's hilarious. would you mind it if i shared it w/a few friends? Also...
ReplyDeletei do often wish i were male instead of female because it does seem so much easier... but i think there are a lot of things we don't know about bein a guy..
take care, stay strong!!!
-Lisa
Haha I love your post and I love how funny you are... Hmm, I totally get what you mean, and by the way I totally agree that your line beats every line of Beyonce's song. Haha. When I was going through an angry, emo period, it totally annoyed the shit out of me to see everyone on Facebook having parties, having fun, going on holidays, taking many happy pictures with their boyfriends, etcetc... It's like, ISN'T ANYONE ON FACEBOOK EVER DEPRESSED?! I hated seeing all that. So I "hid" them. I think the "Hide" option on Facebook is the best invention EVER. I either deleted or hid people whose lives I just didn't want to see and guess what, I'm living in happy oblivion now! I don't know if I'm being left out of things, and I don't care. The less I know, the less I'm bothered. If you don't want to be tortured, don't remind yourself of what you're missing out/ what other people are doing, etc. :)
ReplyDeleteI check my facebook once a month, at most. I like interacting face to face with people. I feel no connection on a social media outlet like facebook. I personally think there should be a "dislike button". I would use it on facebook itself.
ReplyDeleteIf it makes you feel any better, I think I'm a pro at mind spinning. Its the nature of most anxiety (which goes hand in hand with EDs).
I am so sorry this happened to you! People are so mean to each other - I hate that.
ReplyDeleteI have heard NOTHING good about Facebook. And yet I just set up an account because that's what all writers are supposed to do. I hope I don't regret it.
I check my facebook once a month, at most. I like interacting face to face with people. I feel no connection on a social media outlet like facebook. I personally think there should be a "dislike button". I would use it on facebook itself.
ReplyDeleteIf it makes you feel any better, I think I'm a pro at mind spinning. Its the nature of most anxiety (which goes hand in hand with EDs).