Saturday, August 14, 2010

In which I am honest

So, most of my posts lately have been more general about recovery and semi-vague.
While this was not intentional, I'm realizing that my blog is VERY vague and doesn't really cover my day - to- day struggles at all. I don't have a problem with this fundamentally, but I do know myself well enough to pitch a guess that I have done this subconsciously, so that I don't have to talk about my struggles.
They need to be talked about. 
I really am great at avoiding answering questions about my health/ed/symptomage (WHICH SHOULD, BTW, TOTALLY BE A WORD! ;) ) directly. Even with my closest friends who I always feel comfortable talking with, I tend to find ways to spend our phone calls talking about them or about all the things I have been doing rather than all of the issues I am having. 
So, I'm going to try to avoid falling into that pattern on here. 
This blog needs to be a place of freedom and truth. It's a respite from the real world, from all the mistakes that I normally make. It's a place to improve myself and reflect, and learn how to grow. So, for the sake of full disclosure, here we go.

I have been having a really hard time symptom-wise. It has definitely been up and down. Some days are great and my food is fine and I feel totally okay about it. Other days I am stuck in my head, with my ED torturing me until i break down and purge or restrict or binge or whatever. So it's hard to say exactly where I am. Because it changes constantly. Bulimia is a fucking roller coaster and it's never stable, hence it's very difficult to describe. 
I've been totally honest (as I always am) with my treatment team about everything that is going on. And I really do feel like I am moving in the right direction. My ultimate goal is still to be ED symptom & thought free, and I don't feel like I'm headed downward- I just feel all over the place.
Yesterday was rough. I had an appointment with my dietitian. And all of the sudden, as I was leaving (and thought i was getting away unharmed!) she was like "let's get your weight." bugger. 
I think the past week has been a mixture of chaotic eating & random purging and I was feeling really really bloated and heavy yesterday. so totally not a day that I wanted the scale pulled on me. Not that I'm allowed to see my weight when she weighs me, but, it doesn't matter in terms of the damage done. Just stepping on the scale fucks me over. Add that to the fact that I can tell by how L reacts whether I've gained or lost or stayed the same. Really, I can. And I knew that I'd gained. So i basically felt like shit all day yesterday. And then today I woke up, ate 2X a normal breakfast, and went to the gym. Note: i hate the gym. I hate the gym so much. It's my least favorite place in the world. It makes me so miserable. Whenever I'm at the gym I spend the whole time berating myself in my head, staring at all the people who are thinner than me, and being frustrated that I am so awful, ugly, fat , _insert mean word here__. 
Of course, at the gym, there is a scale. I weighed myself this morning. What a disaster.
Then, afterwards, I went to yoga. I did feel a little bit of peace during my yoga class, which was a huge relief, but as soon as we were in shevasana, my head was spinning again.
Just now I had to go to lunch with my family and a bunch of guests who are at our beach house this weekend. I was ravenous and totally overate. Then on the way home, I  got in a fight with my mom about how she always thinks of me as this incompetent, lazy girl who she has to prepare for the realities of life (...more on that later, in a different novel post) And then i purged. 
I'm feeling terrible. Weekends are so hard. 
I have nobody to call. Except my therapist...and that's a different story...

At least I'm being honest here, and with myself?! 
Hope everyone is having a better weekend than I am!


  1. shoot me an email anytime, rose! even if I suck at replying sometimes I ALWAYS read them (and I do get back eventually!) x

  2. It's okay to have bad weekends, it's okay to post negative things, it's okay to not always be okay :) It's part of being human.

    Hopefully things have gotten better since!
    <3 Stay strong