The reason? Relationships.
R (my therapist from my old tx center) called me at around 9, right as we were all finishing dinner.
It was so nice to talk to her, even though it wasn't for long.
I think it just made it more clear to me how so much of everything that i'm struggling with right now has a lot to do with my loneliness.
I love her so much. I love just being on the phone with her. I always feel so connected and understood. I told her everything that has been going on with me and she said that it made her really sad to think of me, walking to the gym today, crying because I was so lonely and thinking that going to the gym was all I could do to avoid that.
She's so crazy also. She started telling me about how she's recently become obsessed with HGTV. Like, what? Ha, that's why I love her. She's just so real. She's such a friend. After I talked to her I didn't want to throw up anymore. Having that relationship is more important to me than throwing up.
I just finished re-reading The Catcher in the Rye. Oh god how I love that book. Holden Caufield, such a sad guy. There's this part where he goes into a phone booth and realizes that he has no one to call. That's how I feel most of the time. Like I just want somebody to talk to, somebody to feel connected to, but then I look in my phone and I can't think of anyone who would really want to talk to me at that moment. In the last line of the book Holden says "I think I even miss that goddamn Maurice. It's funny. Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody".
That's wrong though. That's Holden's (and my) fear. That if you get close to people you're going to miss them too much, because you will lose them. But part of recovery is learning how to open up and let people in, even if it's scary. You have to take the risk that you will miss them and feel lonely sometimes, like I did this morning (and like I do most of the time, quite frankly). But you have to do it anyway. You have to love people and let them love you. That's all you can do.