This Feels Familiar

i haven't posted in what feels like forever! there are a few reasons for this:

1. My perfectionistic tendencies and wanting to post the "perfect" post.
I don't even have any idea what the hell that would be but for some reason i want it.
2. Photos- i've had photos i wanted to share with you guys all weekend but couldn't find my computer connector so i didn't want to post w/o my photos and now that i found the cord i accidentally forgot my baby <--- (who forgets their baby?!) camera in the car and have yet to go to the garage to retrieve it (it's a cold and windy five blocks away, alright!?)
nevertheless, here are some older photos that i've been meaning to show you forever...

coffee+cicero. check out my crazy latin notes. yeah,
latin studying requires abundant caffiene

Look it's Olivia. In Latin! Check out her super-cute toga :)
 Did i mention that i love all things classical?

and finally, some birthday photos...

trying to illegally sneak pictures in jcrew.
I love everything in that store. It's a bit of a problem.

bought myself an expensive bouchon coffee+croissant

(twas delicious. looks it right?!  It was so chocolatey though
 that even i couldn't finish it...so i ate half and then saved the rest for later)

Later i went out to lunch with my friends, P and B.(not peanut butter
and jelly, don't worry) We went to this new middle eastern place
right next to my house. It was amazing and they gave me a free baklava just because
it was my birthday! yay!

got in trouble shortly after for taking pictures in Sephora...
Oops. How cool is all the "Philosophy" stuff though?!

I loved this when  I saw it.

"Remember to dance in your nightgown, sing in the shower, ride a bike, fly a kite and take an occasional wind bath in your bare skin. Give those you love big kisses, huge hugs, and the words i love you often and always. Nurture your body rather than starve your soul...remember that you are not guaranteed tomorrow and that today is as good as it gets"

Anyway, i had a really good birthday. i know i said that already but in the midst of all my complaining i thought i should just say that again. Because i'm really grateful. I couldn't have asked for a better way to kick off this eighteenth year. I have  a feeling its going to be a lot better than the last few....
back to our usual programming.
Ah, yes, of course...reasons why i haven't been a good blogger as of late:
 reason number  three:
3. E x h a u s t i o n.
It reminds me of back when i was really sick. When i was deep into my bulimia, I couldn't get out of bed some days. I ended up missing so much school just because i would beg my mom (through tears, usually)to let me stay home, because facing the world was too hard.yeah, ive been exhausted beyond belief recently and it's been really hard to get out of this funk. I think it's slightly chemical but mostly emotional and its really kind of scary.
Luckily, it doesn't feel that extreme yet, but nevertheless the wintery, fatigued, sad feeling is kind of building in my chest and it scares the shit out of me. 
I don't want to go back there.
Not at all.
Speaking of things that I DON'T WANT TO DO...i've been messing with my food lately and its really dumb. It NEEDS to stop, i know.
I've already proven to myself that i always feel much better when i'm IN recovery and doing well, not when i'm playing my restriction matches.
Seriously, though, rose, cut it the fuck out. 
Like it's not even doing anything, its just making me be weird. Today, for example, I messed with my food and now i just feel dumb and like shit. I ate breakfast, and then I didn't eat anything until lunch (faux pas numero uno) and then at lunch all I got was a wrap with salad in it. I mean, if you don't eat anything between seven am and 1230, aka for seven and a half hours, you should have more than a tiny little wrap with salad. So, naturally, i was starving. And i ended up going to the store with my friends and getting an entire hersheys bar and eating it and now i feel like S*!# and like i "can't" eat dinner. 
So what does messing with my food do? Absolutely nothing.
Besides probably increase my exhaustion, give me reasons to beat myself up, and that's about it.
Okay, lets be fair here though, what does it do that "helps" or is serving me? There has to be a reason that i've been fuckign with my food, right?
I guess the first reason is it gives me something I can control, yadda yadda yadda. But it's true! Everything is so not in my control right now, or at least it feels that way. In school, i basically just feel like a fish out of water 98% of the time (and an awkward one at that) and messing with my food gives me something that is actually in my control as opposed to all the social weirdness that feels so awful and yucky and sad.
Did i mention how much it sucks to be repeating a year? ;)

(source: http-/www.flickr.com/photos/ihearnoises)

i need to remember though, i'm OKAY. And, it could be worse ^^^ ;)
The second reason is probably that it gives me something to tell that voice in my head that won't shut up recently about my weight.
I've been having a really hard time lately controlling my urge to lose weight. I don't know what to do about that part...

This photo is my friend Lauren's. It's from her collection
" a day in the life of an eating disorder".She's a beautiful artist.
you should check her out. She also has a youtube channel
and a new blog. She's a love.

Anyway, i decided i needed to post today because i need to break this weirdness of me not posting because i don't like it at all and i need to tell my perfectionistic and eating disorder voices to STFU, because they are impinging on my ability to live a generally happy and normal life.

(source: http://weheartit.com/entry/4755989)
Thought y'all would appreciate this. I should listen to it...

Okay, hope everyone had a good start to the week! i'll try not to be so MIA, its not good for me and i miss all my lovely readers and writers out there. :)
xo,
Rose