Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Five facts to break up a self-pity party

i had a terrible day today.
ever have one of those days where just everything goes wrong?
this was one of those days.
First of all, it was 19 degrees out. Not a promising start. 
I have no clothes. Dont ya hate that?
I wore jeans that i hate and make me feel awful, with a dumb sweatshirt that doesn't even fit.
(How can a sweatshirt not fit? I have no freaking idea how, but it just didn't, k?)
Then, i met with my college counselor for the first time and got my PSAT's back. 
This is the third time i have taken them. And i got 17 points lower than i did last year, when i actually did really well.
Apparently i got stupider. 
The PSAT's don't matter, i know. 
It's just that i felt like an idiot. How do you do significantly worse on a test the third time you take it? (And aren't i supposed to do better now that i'm, ya know, eating???)
Next i nearly failed a chemistry test.
All the while, i was tugging at my clothes and cursing myself for picking the worst body image outfit EVER. 
I went to my Latin class and was publicly humiliated (in a class made up completely of my ex-friends) because i had forgotten my book. The teacher said i was "shy" and "too quiet" in his comments that just got sent in the mail. Perhaps there's a reason i don't speak up more???
I took the long way home because i wanted to stall time until my mom answered her phone because i wanted her to come meet me for coffee, or at least at a store so i could try to pick out new jeans.
***I interrupt this self-pity party to show you a boring picture of delicious study sustenance from last night. I call this Lynn Chen style. (lynn, if you perchance read this- Don't hate me, i'm not a creep i promise, i just felt i was channeling you with this photo ;) ***
***back to rose wallowing***
After standing in the cold for ten minutes, she said she couldn't come (understandably, it was cold and she had just gotten inside to our warm, delicious apartment).
I then tried to go to said store by myself and asked the woman to check the balance of a gift card i got  for my birthday last month, so i could know how much money i could spend.
She looked up at me and said there were zero dollars on it.
I asked her to check again, because i hadn't touched it since i took it out of the card.
She repeated that there was no money on it. 
I was totally unsurprised and just shrugged and walked out because, really, it seemed natural that something like that would happen on the kind of day i was having. Right?
I then started crying and when my tears froze on my face decided that i should just hail a cab and go home.

Most of the things that happened today to make me feel so shitty are things that i can't really describe.

That's why i was a little reluctant to write about this, because i fear that the above list is pathetic and makes me sound like a whiny, wimpy complainer with no backbone.
The truth of it though is that most of the things that made me cry today were merely sideways glances, no glances at all, intonations in peoples' voices, or things that i said to myself in my head.
School is still really hard. It's painful to watch some of the people who used to be my best friends walk down the hallway and pretend i don't exist, just because i'm a junior now and they don't have time for me. It's also really painful to stand in the middle of a crowded room and feel awkward and like i have no one to talk to. Today was just one of those days. I'm not used to being this girl. It sucks.

Things will get better, they always do. 
I just needed to acknowledge the crappy-ness of this day, and everything that came with it. And how much i am sick of high school and enraged by the fact that my peers are going off to college and that i'm stuck a year behind (in a place that i already felt too old for in the first place) just trying to make it through second by second.

Because i am in a better mood tonight, now that i have had time to relax (and go to dinner with my momma) i thought (before i go because i really need to study for my math test!) that i'd share 
five random facts with you.

1. There is no plural for the word series.
I was trying to write "One of my favorite ways to procrastinate is watching tv series(ES) " but of course that didn't make sense and after looking it up i found out that there really is no way to say that sentence in a nice -sounding way. (Ironically this was the first part of the video that i shared two posts ago. And i just ran into this problem today!)

2. The official definition of a Club Promoter (according to Urban Dictionary) :
n.; one employed by a nightlife venue, e.g. a bar, lounge, or club, whose purpose is to increase the hype of the venues (for nascent venues) and maximize the clientele (for more established venues) - that is, attract a wealthy, good-looking, and extroverted crowd - by distributing complimentary passes and contact information at places where such clientele may be found, such as outside a competing venue during closing; the promoter usually gets paid in proportion to the revenue earned during the night he/she was promoting, generally not as lucrative as a bartender, but better than a bouncer; over 80% of promoters are male
I looked this up today because i have never known what a club promoter "really" is. I know people who have 'friends' who are club promoters (in fact, i know a girl who is dating one...no comment) but usually they're just random sketchy (rich) 20-somethings who flirt with anything that moves and are likely to give you the creeps just by breathing near you, and then probably ask you if you wanna do a line. 

3. I have a blonde streak in my hair that i have had since birth. No one ever believes me at first when I tell them because it looks unnatural next to my dark brown that is completely sans highlights, but it's true! (in second grade, we had to make up Native American names for ourselves (go figure) and mine was Golden Streak- i thought i was oh so clever!)

4. i have a dog. His name is willy. He is crazy. i.e., crazier than any one of you or me. Most likely his doggy diagnosis is paranoid schizophrenia with some major hyperactivity issues. You've never seen anything like it, even if you think you know the craziest dog in the world, you don't. I do. He's in a rare moment of sleep under my bed right now. Trust me. He's the craziest. No, really.

5. Oscar Wilde's last words (spoken from his deathbed) were 
"Either this wallpaper goes, or I do".
Ever since reading Looking for Alaska by John Green, i've had a love for famous last words. This was always the best, i think!

Hope you all had a much, much better day than i did! Thanks for letting me whine, and sorry if the self-pity was annoying, but i think we all deserve it sometimes :)
p.s. the best part of my day??? I had such a NYC moment- i a taxi going home, the cabbie turned around and asked me if i was okay. 
so. cute.


  1. aww babe, I"m sorry about your day and your "friends" at school. It's difficult to acclimate back into where we were before ED took over. Screw the PSATs, they really don't mean anything except how much concentration you had in the few hours u were taking the dumb test. You'll rock the SATs. You can do this.

    You are not being a whiney girl. It's fine to have bad day and write about them. You deserve it. That's what your blog is for. :)

    hang in there babe

  2. Sorry about the bad day. It was like 37 here yesterday morning! That's like -30 for you so it was cold all over.

    I like your dog. He should meet my cat, she is so calm she would be good for him.

  3. I'm so sorry you had such a rough day...from start to finish I do believe you have a reason to complain! It sounds terrible. I can't feel too sorry for you though because I am stuck in LA while you are in NYC! I am jealous, even if its 19 degrees there!

    Hope today is a better one for you.

  4. Things will get better---they always do.

    So true, Love. I'm sorry you had such a rotten day, but it is just one day. Granted a sucky one, but still just one day. I promise things WILL get better. Focus on the good things---like the sweet cabbie! What a random act of kindness! There is such hope in the world, if we just look for it. :)


  5. I hope that today was better. And I wish you a better tomorrow.


  6. Hi Rose, I've never commented before, but I do love your blog. Everybody has bad days. It's fine to talk about what sucked! It's also great to realize why things felt that way. Anyways, I'm so impressed by how you're doing with recovery. Just wanted to let you know :)

  7. Aw, that is so sweet about the cab driver!
    And girl, pity away. Lord knows I have tons of self-pity days, and we're human. We sometimes need to just wallow, and then wipe our tears and move on. The wallowing is the fun part though, I have to admit. ;-)

    Hope tomorrow fares better...and that means it will! :-)

  8. Rose!
    I am so sorry that you had such a terrible day. I hate it when everything seems to go wrong. Just know that your struggles are NOT pathetic. Anything like that would send me spiralling into self-pity party as well… so don't ever feel like your problems aren't big enough to be problems.

    … and I love the list! What a great way to pick yourself back up :)
    That is SO cool about your hair. I wish my hair was super special like that :P

  9. Hey girly :)
    Sorry you had such a crappy day, but...it happens, we all have those days when everything seems to just go wrong. And it times like those when you have to be so super strong! I love the random facts you put at the end, esp the oscar wilde quote---so funny!
    Lots of love, S x

  10. PSAT's don't matter. You being happy does.

  11. Nice facts written...Thanks for sharing this facts..This is very helpful facts for me...Good job.