Friday, January 21, 2011

2 truths and a lie.

remember that game, two truths and a lie?
I think it's one of those "let's get to know each other" things that camp counselors or trip leaders or michael scott would try to do to get a group of people to "break the ice" or get to know each other.
i decided that i want to play that with you guys today.
except, usually, in "TTAAL", you have to think of three stories (two which are true, one which is a lie) and tell them to the group, and then the group has to try to guess which one is a lie.
I'm not gonna make you guys guess.

1. Truth: I used to have friends
I used to consider myself a fairly "outgoing", extroverted person. I used to (by the time i was in 6th grade or so) have a fairly stable group of friends. I would walk into school every day with the basic knowledge of where I belonged, and the reassurance that there would, indeed, be people there who were at least slightly happy to see me on any given day.
this guy's always happy to see me. i'm his best ball-thrower.

This year has been a roller coaster, to say the least. Last week was my one-year 'anniversary' of going into treatment (for the last time), and kind of a big milestone.
I used to consider my social skills to be one of my biggest strengths. In essays that I might have to write about myself for various applications, etc, I would always write that i could be happy anywhere, as long as I had friends, and that I always had a way of finding friends.
I was never, per se, in the popular group at my school, but by the time i was in high school i never really minded. A lot of my self-confidence came from my ability to rely on  the fact that i was generally well-liked and sociable, and I usually thought of myself as, among other things, a good friend.

2. Truth: None of the above is true, not anymore. 
(it's okay i didn't break the game- that's why i wrote in the past tense!)

In the past year i: went into treatment, began my recovery, learned a heck of a lot about myself, ate, left treatment, started this blog, had a summer internship, started with a therapist (for REAL this time), learned to bake, started my 2nd shot at Junior year, and then subsequently had a total meltdown while seemingly floating above water (or snow) for what seems like a very long time (i'm pretty sure i'm still just floating).
That's a lot of stuff.
Here's a picture to give your mind a break
i forgot to mention that i've also begun a slight love affair with online shopping,
particularly Gilt Groupe. I bought myself this bracelet last week. mmmm. 
 Okay, back to me.
One particularly profound thing that has happened to me this year is that my whole outlook, being has seemed to change in terms of my friends, etc. I used to have friends. I told you that.
When i returned to school this year, it was made pretty clear fairly quickly that those friends were no longer going to be a big part of my life, for whatever reasons. I set out to find new friends.
That has proved to be really, really hard. So hard in fact, that i was about to give up, until I met C.
C is pretty cool. She's new this year too, but also slightly different from the other nyc prep-school (not to be confused with THIS awful television show, although i do[unfortunately] know some of the cast)kids in my class. See, C just got back from spending two years in a boarding-house in Holland. I kind of was drawn to her cause she seemed more worldly & less-dumbly-teenagerish than the other kids. We became friends.
one of my infamous B&N stacks lately. I bought a few, and will certainly share the deets once i 'dig in' :)

Recently, C became friends with a few other girls in our class, let's call them A and G. A and G and super cool. I've always kind of admired G. She's a little intimidating but pretty nice, and totally the prettiest girl in our school (imho)
I got a little nervous. C is my friend. And my only (real, female) friend (at school), if we're being honest here. What if she ditched me? Would i really have to resign myself to spending the next two years being that weird girl who walks around with her earphones in all the time? *shudders*
Then today, something happened, and i'm going to share it with you.
I'm pretty sure that i got royally ditched.
Yup, that's right. 
Gossip girl/skins/whatever teenage-high -school- drama -series -you- want -to- insert-in- here- style.
ouch, right?
Here, i'll tell you the story. Today after school, i went to find C to see if she was ready to leave. We always walk to the subway together and catch up on our days. She was sitting with A. They were planning to go hang out for a bit and then go over to a museum or something. I joined in the conversation and pretty soon it seemed like it would be alright, that i could go too (everything is unspoken, obviously. Aint you ever been in high school?)
 G comes over. She joins in. The four of us are making plans and everything seems okay until all of a sudden they decide they each want to split and go home and do work. On a friday afternoon. okay...

it's decided that we'll do that and then meet up tonight and go out for a little bit and then tomorrow and then go to the museum tomorrow, instead. Good game plan. We all walk out of school and part ways.
mug of tea, Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Larabar & the sunrise.
then, a few hours ago, C texts me and says she didn't realize but she can't do tonight because her parents had tickets to a show that she forgot about. Fair.
Then i texted her to say i didnt want to feel like i was inviting myself to their 'date' or whatever tomorrow, is she sure it's alright with A & G ? She texts me back saying that's not happening anymore either, she needs to be with her grandma tomorrow.
C never stays home all weekend. I know this about her. I definitely was unwanted.
I got ditched. Royally.
phew. that was a long saga, no? i feel like i'm back in high school again...  

3. Lie: I'm okay.
I'm really sick of pretending to me, to C, to everyone that i'm fucking okay all the time. I'm not fucking okay. I'm not. All of this sucks. so much. I used to be happy and have friends and be comfortable.
My biggest worry when i went to school in the mornings used to be whether or not i should have studied for that physics final (as it should be), not whether or not i'll have someone to sit with at lunch.
And drama like today, well, i'm fucking sick of it. I wish (i think) that people would just reject me to my face, instead of going about it in a roundabout way.
Maybe, you say, i've interpreted this whole instance wrong, maybe C really does have to watch the game with her grandma tomorrow, maybe i'm being overly sensitive.
Maybe. Maybe i am.
I hope i am.
But that's not the point.
The point is that i'm no longer myself. I don't feel like myself.
I'm anxious all the time and nervous constantly. My social skills have totally regressed to back when I was in 5th grade and thought that having the highest pony-tail is what made someone cool.
I recently looked up the symptoms of Social Anxiety Disorder, with the fear that i might have developed it. I never used to be anxious about anything.
 Notice that the only "tag" about moods on over there on the right ------------------------------------------->
is "depression", i used to be the opposite of anxious.

i'm sick. stayed home yesterday. made myself pancakes & tea for breakfast. YUM.
while i was in the middle of writing this saga of a post, my friend B called me. 
we just talked for an hour , 15 minutes and 43 seconds. 
i just told her everything. and feel so much better. and like at least i have a friend.
i'm going to post this anyway though, because i feel like this blog could use a kick of reality and real emotion on it. so here goes.

i'm hoping tomorrow will be a better day.
i'll buy you a cupcake if you made it all the way through this post. seriously.

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