I had been having a really hard time the past few days with my motivation.
Motivation, in my mind, is crucial to the success and progress of my recovery. I have repeated many times that my problem is "not fucking whether or not i'm eating yogurt or cottage fucking cheese for breakfast---it's about the big picture!" (Excuse my french, of course ;) )
The whole problem with motivation, though, is that sometimes, it's just not there.
And if it's not there, i tend to get into a mind-fuck where restricting seems logical and eating seems like "a waste".
I was feeling today like "this whole recovery bullshit" is just that- bullshit, and that it's not worth it because my situation (home, Junior year X 2) is so sucky and i have so long to wait before anything good comes of all the hard work that is recovery.
My head was telling me that Eating* would make the situation worse, more unbearable and harder to deal with because it would not allow me to disconnect by using my eating disorder behaviors/thoughts and it would force me to really "be present" in my life.
What really was helpful though, in my conversation with Lyn, was the way she completely reframed what i was thinking in a way that totally made sense.
The conversation went something like this...
(imagine an adorable british accent---it adds to the advice, i swear!)
Lyn: Rose darling!
Lyn: How are you?
(forget the fact that i totally just ignored her question...)
Me: Why am i doing this?
Lyn: Why are you doing what?
Me: Eating. I mean. You know--- all of this. It sucks.
Lyn: So that you can get the hell out of your parents' bloody house and live a fabulous life, of course.
Me: But its like...i feel like i'm holding my breath until fucking 2012. What the fuck.
Lyn: Rosie-posie, you need to eat your food and keep your food and take care of yourself darling so that you can have your wits about you to deal with all your parents' crazy shit and then you can go and have a fabulous life, and leave them in their own miserable lives. You are meant to be FABULOUS and you can only do that if you're eating your food, right?
Me: Oh, yeah, you're right.
So rather than thinking that Eating and recovering is making this bad situation worse, maybe it makes sense think that eating my food could maybe (dare i say it...?) help me function better and be more equipped (mentally, physically and emotionally) to deal with whatever comes my way!?
Never-mind the fact that Eating is literally necessary for my body and mind to function, my eating disorder is great at convincing me that eating will literally ROB ME of the ability to deal with life (by making me stressed, anxious, uncomfortable, alive- yes, i said that, and fat!)
In reality, however, Eating actually means providing my brain and body with the energy (calories, peace of mind that comes with getting rid of ED thoughts) to deal with the life i am living now, so that i can start to build the life i want to live!
It is interesting (and somewhat nerve-wracking) to see how easily i (and i consider myself to be a fairly rational person, relatively speaking (; ) can be convinced by the eating disorder of something that really makes no sense whatsoever, and then allows me to almost threaten my recovery.
I guess thats why we all need support people around us, to keep our crazy heads in check.
Lyn's accent also always cheers me up, and i assume that has something to do with my new found motivation ;)
* I use a capital E because by "Eating" i am referring more to the whole act of engaging in Recovery rather than a single isolated act of feeding oneself.