Its friday!!! Never thought i would be excited for a weekend that involved being dragged out to my parent's beach house but I actually have one of my best friends from California coming with me today so i am actually psyched :)
My only concern is that K, the girl who is coming with me, I have heard through the grapevine "isn't doing so well". Obviously I owe it to K to tell me herself how she is/ is not doing. If she is doing well then that's great, i will be so happy for her and it would be wonderful to have a good influence around all weekend. But if she's not that is a different story and it is something that i have to be weary of.
My concern about her not doing well is not the obvious - I am not so much afraid of Kristin's "influence" on me. Rather, I am afraid of myself, and my somewhat innate, but also very ingrained tendency to try to take care of people, especially those of my friends struggling with eating disorders.
Somehow, i tend to get preoccupied with the recovery of my friends and all of a sudden, their recovery becomes WAY more important than my own.
This is, in some ways, a nasty little trick that the Eating Disorder tries to play to allow me to slip and F- up my progress. This is also, however, just a manifestation of the kind of overwhelming love i tend to develop for my friends and my desperate attempt to make everything in their lives great, regardless of my own suffering.
the above paragraph kind of describes my mother. This in itself should be motivation to NOT act that way.
I do just need to keep in mind that My recovery comes first and that Kristin's (just as an example) is her own responsibility.
It's kind of like on the airplane when they tell you to secure your OWN oxygen mask first, before helping the child next to you. Ironically, I always thought that part of the video kind of inhumane, weird, and kind of against my intution- however OBVIOUSLY that is the problem!
So i am heading into this weekend with an awareness of my tendency and an intention to take care of myself at all costs, to put my needs before K's.
This will be hard- so wish me luck, because you can't breathe without oxygen.