Tuesday, June 8, 2010

"I'm not okay."

The above statement has never been easy for me.
The statement above this is an understatement.
Saying "I'm not okay" is not only not easy for me, to do it  i have to collect all the energy in the world and stick out my tongue and cringe. It is the most unnatural thing in the world. Almost as unnatural feeling as, say, eating.
My eating disorder protected me from the fact that i was not okay and that everything was not dandy.
It allowed me to lie to myself along with everybody else, and pretend that i "didn't care" about things in my life that were truly bothering me.
The last few weeks have, in short, been really, really rough.
My food has been rough. I feel like I have take 3 steps backwards after the 100 steps forward.
It feels disappointing. Most of all though, it is just scary.
I don't want to go back to where i was before. It's hard to acknowledge that the language that i use when i talk about food recently seems more akin to that of 5 months ago then of 5 weeks ago.
The tricky part is that nothing drastic or horrific has happened.
I haven't binged, purged or severely restricted, i've just been toying with the thoughts and experimenting with the omission of food and the denial of my hunger.
The fact that this seems pale in comparison to the "not okay" that i used to know makes it all that much harder to be able to admit that i am "not okay" because i fear being the girl who cried wolf, when really, all that was  there, was a hamster.
I talked to L about this today on the phone and she told me to call R ( my therapist from MNV) or just call the office (at MNV) and demand to talk to someone just so i can say "I'm not okay". I texted R just now and asked if we could talk tomorrow and we have a phone date at 5.
I hope i can get up the strength to tell her what is going on, without feeling like a fraud or a faker or  just dumb. I need to do this. I need to ask for what i need and take responsibility for my own well- being. Otherwise, i will be really really not okay.
Wish me luck.

1 comment:

  1. Good luck! Take advantage of having someone who you know is 'good' down the end of the line. You deserve to get help when you're having it rough, therefore you deserve to let yourself tell other people you need that help in the first place.