I couldn't decide what to title this post, but i decided that relating to my blog title, and considering the day i have had- "Madness" would be appropriate.
Nothing too "Mad" really has appeared to happen to me today.
I went to my day program, which i am soon transitioning out of.
I ate my food, kept it, sat in therapy, la di da.
I saw a movie (currently to remain nameless, out of shame) with my mother, took a nap, went out to dinner with my family.
The Madness i am referring to is in my head.
It has been a really rough couple of weeks. Lots of ups and downs, mostly downs with some sides of ups. Needless to say, I have felt quite mad.
I have finally learned that when i start focusing on my eating and exercising in an obsessive, unhealthy way- that is a red flag for me that SOMETHING IS BOTHERING ME.
In the recent past, my approach has been to try to figure out what that thing was, so that i could "solve the problem" so to speak, and move on with my life.
What i think i am slowly learning right now is that sometimes it really is necessary to just sit with the "madness" and not to do anything about it.
This concept of not doing anything is pretty ridiculous to most of us in this day and age, especially those of us with the temperament conducive to eating disorders (perfectionistic, over-achieveing, high- strung, hypersensitive to the surrounding environment).
What i am saying, in short, is that i have felt like shit the past couple of weeks and today i think it came to a peak. I felt awful, drained, sad, angry, scared, confused, nervous, anxious and lonely.
Instead of trying to distract myself, problem-solve or even self-soothe, I sat on my bed, stared at my comforter, closed my eyes, and allowed myself to really feel it.
I'm feeling calmer now, appreciating the air conditioning as it cools my scorching hot bedroom and i think i feel some greater understanding of the before madness that was occupying my head.
Maybe there is something to be said or actually, whaddya know--- feeling our emotions?!
Who woulda thunk it?! What a novel idea.
I make fun, but really, feeling strong emotions is hard work, and i encourage everybody to do it. A
As a yogi in training (YIT) i should know- resistance to suffering is, in fact, the cause of all suffering.
Namaste.
sitting with our feelings---what a novel idea. it seems so simple, and some of those "normal" (read: not self aware) people don't understand what we mean when we "sit with our feelings" since they don't always acknowledge them. But it really is the most difficult thing to do. We, who have taught ourselves NOT to feel feelings, but to instead, use our eating disorders...are needing to learn for the first time, how to feel feelings.
ReplyDeletesimple. novel. hard as fuck.
you can do it girlie!
Keeping that in mind.
ReplyDeleteThanks chica, love you.