Tuesday, October 26, 2010

failed promises

i'm sorry, my dear readers, that i'm such a poop. <---(and so eloquent)
i didn't post on sunday or yesterday, grr! I'm sure i'm much more upset about this than anyone else actually is, of course, but i'm just mad that i didn't meet my self-made challenge. I'm gonna try to tack on two extra days (this coming saturday and sunday) to make up for it, so i can see "consequences" (not that writing a blog post is a punishment, of course) for my actions. I just want to take some responsibility and keep to my promises to myself. 
This is one of my nasty-ass cupcakes from this weekend.
It might not have tasted good....but at least it looks yummy?
Anyway, how are you all today? Yesterday and sunday were kind of uneventful, but today was slightly awful until about thirty minutes ago. You see, for some reason I just had a really rough day after I woke up from a dream about someone who I really, really miss and kind of have a complicated/broken past with and then my day kind of just spiraled down from there.
I went to Dean and Deluca w/ my pops on Saturday.
Check out the fancy (and expensive!!!) hot chocolate...
18 dollars for a box?! I'll stick with my Swiss Miss French Vanilla, thanks.
I need help! I've been so messed up about my food today (and it's kinda been building all week), and I really don't like it. (Well, part of me likes it, but we'll get to that.) 
I baked brownie/cookies last night from (recipe taken from this lovely site) and could barely even get myself to taste one. Then today, when I brought them into school, I had a bite of one of my friends(we all baked stuff for an english class 'party') and i immediately freaked out and decided needed /wanted to purge. I couldn't though, thank goodness. Then at lunch, I ate but not really enough and I didn't have any type of snack and the day was just generally bad food wise as I was spinning in my head for most of it and almost came to the conclusion that I was going to b/p after school. (I didn't). But yeah so then I had an appt with my dietitian, without whom i would be nowhere, and that went okay. Except for the end when she weighed me. I always get blind weighed, and I can always usually tell by her reaction (i've known her for three years) whether i've gained, lost, maintained, etc. Today when I stepped on the scale though, i got really nervous all of a sudden and started rambling because I could just tell by the way it felt to step on that I had lost, ya know? That's weird for me. It's not like I'm used to "hiding" my weight from professionals or anything, since, being bulimic, I never lost a significant enough amount of weight that it was really the issue, the focus was usually much more on the purging, etc. 
Um yeah I was bored so I took a picture of some toothpicks. Don't judge.

Whatever I'm rambling. But i just wanted to say that. That I'm having a hard time. Because a really large part of me right now is glad that I lost weight. (Even though it's definitely a miniscule amount). That part of me wants to keep restricting/effing with my meals, etc. It's not okay. I'm not going down this road. But i want to. No, i don't. My eating disorder wants to. Gah. 
This. Is. Frustrating.
One step at a time. I can do this. I ate dinner tonight (a good amount) and I actually just had one of my cookies (it was good!!!). Okay. Tonight is good. I'm on track with my work (can you believe i'm doing well in school- wow actually being able to focus& not being distracted by my stomach growling all the time  is really great! ;) ) I'm going to be okay. I can do this. I want recovery. 
The toothpick picture got me thinking about color...so i tried to take a picture of my
bookshelf...which is nerdily color-coated. This is only like two out of 8 shelves and the lighting is bad...
but sometime i'll try to take a better one cause it is actually kinda pretty. :)
love you all. no more failed promises. I promise to keep going forward in my recovery & to keep blogging about it.


  1. *BIG HUG* I will be thinking of you this week, Rose!
    I'm sorry you're struggling- I know how hard it is and how conflicting, but you're so right- YOU CAN DO THIS!!! I am so proud of you for turning your day around by eating a good dinner and having a cookie! 'Atta girl!

    Recovery is hard and it is so tempting to give into the ED at times, but think of how far you have come (and how much you have to lose if you give into ED)- you're able to concentrate on your schoolwork and do really well which is AMAZING, and you're finding your own voice and identity separate from your eating disorder- which is FANTASTIC, because you are such an amazing person and have so much to give to the world. You are so much more than your eating disorder and with recovery, you will continue to grow and thrive.

    Something that helps me is a "What I Lost to my Eating Disorder" list that I made if I ever find myself romanticizing my eating disorder. I pull it out to remind myself how much I do NOT want to go down that path again (I also have a "Reasons for Recovery" to remind myself why recovery is worth it) if I feel tempted to use behaviors.

    Keep fighting and staying strong!!! You are so strong and courageous and YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!! <3

  2. I am so sorry that you're struggling. But I am also SOOO proud of you for pulling yourself out and realizing that it is just ED who wants you to loose weight. Always try to separate yourself from ED because it will show you that you can CHOOSE to do anything your heart desires and I know that you will choose health and happiness! Stay strong and if you EVER need anything don't hesitate to ask :)

  3. Sounds like your having a rough time - but you WILL get through it. Believe in yourself, you deserve so much better than this. You life is worth more than calorie counting and b/p. Never forget that. And we are all here if you need a chat. Good luck ! xxx

  4. I don't think this really is a 'failed promise' at all :) I know you wanted to post every day, but you are clearly making up for it now and you are also coming clean about everything - which is extremely hard to do. I know when I write confessions about how I am REALLY struggling, it helps me to pick myself up in the days to follow. I'm sorry that you are having a hard time right now, but you are obviously dedicated to pushing through. Congrats on the cookie, and on the decision NOT to b/p even though you may have wanted to.

    Don't be so hard on yourself, because you are overcoming some major challenges. I can't wait for the next update!

  5. Oh I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, hun. I completely understand... I've been having strong restricting urges this week too.

    I keep asking myself WHY? What's the connection between the stressors in life and restricting---what will it solve? Nothing! They're really unrelated. It's like adding 2 and 2 and getting 5. I "know" it doesn't add up, but I continually come up with that!

    It is frustrating. But it does get easier. We all have bad days, but the important thing is DON'T GIVE UP. Keep fighting and moving forward. I'm doing it with you, and I'm always here if you need me.


  6. You are all right.
    so right.
    not to mention amazing and wonderful and literally just helped me so much. i just got home from school today and after reading this i had one of my monster cookies as an afternoon snack.

    Jess, i'm SO going to tkae your advice and write What i Lost and Reasons lists...ive done them before but i think its time for a revamp. And
    Amanda- thats exactly what i do! i try to make "sense" of it all but it usually comes out to 2+2= 5 because eating disorders are just irrational and appear for no reason sometimes.
    jeez you guys are just all amazing and your comments just keep me going.

  7. My bookcase is arranged in exactly the same way! Colour coding and then alphabeticaliing (<-probably not a word) is the best way to arrange things.
    I am always told that when you experience a slip up, the only thing to do is dust yourself off, and get back to where you should be. And I am learning that in recovery this happens all the time, but each time you dust yourself off and start again, it gets easier to pick yourself up.
    So stay strong, you can do this :)

  8. Sounds like your having a rough time - but you WILL get through it. Believe in yourself, you deserve so much better than this. You life is worth more than calorie counting and b/p. Never forget that. And we are all here if you need a chat. Good luck ! xxx