i'm sorry, my dear readers, that i'm such a poop. <---(and so eloquent)
i didn't post on sunday or yesterday, grr! I'm sure i'm much more upset about this than anyone else actually is, of course, but i'm just mad that i didn't meet my self-made challenge. I'm gonna try to tack on two extra days (this coming saturday and sunday) to make up for it, so i can see "consequences" (not that writing a blog post is a punishment, of course) for my actions. I just want to take some responsibility and keep to my promises to myself.
|This is one of my nasty-ass cupcakes from this weekend. |
It might not have tasted good....but at least it looks yummy?
Anyway, how are you all today? Yesterday and sunday were kind of uneventful, but today was slightly awful until about thirty minutes ago. You see, for some reason I just had a really rough day after I woke up from a dream about someone who I really, really miss and kind of have a complicated/broken past with and then my day kind of just spiraled down from there.
|I went to Dean and Deluca w/ my pops on Saturday. |
Check out the fancy (and expensive!!!) hot chocolate...
18 dollars for a box?! I'll stick with my Swiss Miss French Vanilla, thanks.
I need help! I've been so messed up about my food today (and it's kinda been building all week), and I really don't like it. (Well, part of me likes it, but we'll get to that.)
I baked brownie/cookies last night from (recipe taken from this lovely site) and could barely even get myself to taste one. Then today, when I brought them into school, I had a bite of one of my friends(we all baked stuff for an english class 'party') and i immediately freaked out and decided
i needed / wanted to purge. I couldn't though , thank goodness. Then at lunch, I ate but not really enough and I didn't have any type of snack and the day was just generally bad food wise as I was spinning in my head for most of it and almost came to the conclusion that I was going to b/p after school. (I didn't). But yeah so then I had an appt with my dietitian, without whom i would be nowhere, and that went okay. Except for the end when she weighed me. I always get blind weighed, and I can always usually tell by her reaction (i've known her for three years) whether i've gained, lost, maintained, etc. Today when I stepped on the scale though, i got really nervous all of a sudden and started rambling because I could just tell by the way it felt to step on that I had lost, ya know? That's weird for me. It's not like I'm used to "hiding" my weight from professionals or anything, since, being bulimic, I never lost a significant enough amount of weight that it was really the issue, the focus was usually much more on the purging, etc.
|Um yeah I was bored so I took a picture of some toothpicks. Don't judge.|
Whatever I'm rambling. But i just wanted to say that. That I'm having a hard time. Because a really large part of me right now is glad that I lost weight. (Even though it's definitely a miniscule amount). That part of me wants to keep restricting/effing with my meals, etc. It's not okay. I'm not going down this road. But i want to. No, i don't. My eating disorder wants to. Gah.
This. Is. Frustrating.
One step at a time. I can do this. I ate dinner tonight (a good amount) and I actually just had one of my cookies (it was good!!!). Okay. Tonight is good. I'm on track with my work (can you believe i'm doing well in school- wow actually being able to focus& not being distracted by my stomach growling all the time is really great! ;) ) I'm going to be okay. I can do this. I want recovery.
love you all. no more failed promises. I promise to keep going forward in my recovery & to keep blogging about it.