i'm sorry, my dear readers, that i'm such a poop. <---(and so eloquent)
i didn't post on sunday or yesterday, grr! I'm sure i'm much more upset about this than anyone else actually is, of course, but i'm just mad that i didn't meet my self-made challenge. I'm gonna try to tack on two extra days (this coming saturday and sunday) to make up for it, so i can see "consequences" (not that writing a blog post is a punishment, of course) for my actions. I just want to take some responsibility and keep to my promises to myself.
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| This is one of my nasty-ass cupcakes from this weekend. It might not have tasted good....but at least it looks yummy? |
Anyway, how are you all today? Yesterday and sunday were kind of uneventful, but today was slightly awful until about thirty minutes ago. You see, for some reason I just had a really rough day after I woke up from a dream about someone who I really, really miss and kind of have a complicated/broken past with and then my day kind of just spiraled down from there.
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| I went to Dean and Deluca w/ my pops on Saturday. Check out the fancy (and expensive!!!) hot chocolate... 18 dollars for a box?! I'll stick with my Swiss Miss French Vanilla, thanks. |
I need help! I've been so messed up about my food today (and it's kinda been building all week), and I really don't like it. (Well, part of me likes it, but we'll get to that.)
I baked brownie/cookies last night from (recipe taken from this lovely site) and could barely even get myself to taste one. Then today, when I brought them into school, I had a bite of one of my friends(we all baked stuff for an english class 'party') and i immediately freaked out and decided i needed /wanted to purge. I couldn't though, thank goodness. Then at lunch, I ate but not really enough and I didn't have any type of snack and the day was just generally bad food wise as I was spinning in my head for most of it and almost came to the conclusion that I was going to b/p after school. (I didn't). But yeah so then I had an appt with my dietitian, without whom i would be nowhere, and that went okay. Except for the end when she weighed me. I always get blind weighed, and I can always usually tell by her reaction (i've known her for three years) whether i've gained, lost, maintained, etc. Today when I stepped on the scale though, i got really nervous all of a sudden and started rambling because I could just tell by the way it felt to step on that I had lost, ya know? That's weird for me. It's not like I'm used to "hiding" my weight from professionals or anything, since, being bulimic, I never lost a significant enough amount of weight that it was really the issue, the focus was usually much more on the purging, etc.
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| Um yeah I was bored so I took a picture of some toothpicks. Don't judge. |
Whatever I'm rambling. But i just wanted to say that. That I'm having a hard time. Because a really large part of me right now is glad that I lost weight. (Even though it's definitely a miniscule amount). That part of me wants to keep restricting/effing with my meals, etc. It's not okay. I'm not going down this road. But i want to. No, i don't. My eating disorder wants to. Gah.
This. Is. Frustrating.
One step at a time. I can do this. I ate dinner tonight (a good amount) and I actually just had one of my cookies (it was good!!!). Okay. Tonight is good. I'm on track with my work (can you believe i'm doing well in school- wow actually being able to focus& not being distracted by my stomach growling all the time is really great! ;) ) I'm going to be okay. I can do this. I want recovery.
okay.
breathing.
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| The toothpick picture got me thinking about color...so i tried to take a picture of my bookshelf...which is nerdily color-coated. This is only like two out of 8 shelves and the lighting is bad... but sometime i'll try to take a better one cause it is actually kinda pretty. :) |
love you all. no more failed promises. I promise to keep going forward in my recovery & to keep blogging about it.
xo
rose
