Wednesday, October 27, 2010

On Honesty

i wrote in my journal tonight for the first time in a few weeks.
it's something that i used to do all. the. time.
i keep my journal in a protected word document on my computer. its kinda cool to have it all right there in front of me, in digital form. I think my hands would get too tired and i would be discouraged from writing if i had it in a notebook. 
Right now my journal is at something like 86 pages. (single spaced). That's a whole lot of journaling.
Its interesting sometimes to look back at the old entries. Sometimes i even look to see if I wrote something exactly a year or two before on the same date. Most of my journal entries are (sadly) a blabbering on of all the thoughts in my head. Most of the thoughts in my head for the past four years had to do with food and weight. But the thing that was always nice about my journal was that it was the one place that i could lay everything out on the table. Every last thought could be purged (unintentional but appropriate word choice) from my head and I could finally feel at least a little bit clearer, my head a little less "spinny". (title of my blog...) . Journaling tonight was really helpful. I had to kind of pry the honesty out of myself though, because I realized that as I was writing, I was lying to myself. It's only when I'm really honest with myself that I feel that "purged" sense of relief, that maybe things will be okay.
There's so much to be said for the value of honesty. It allows me (when i practice it) to live a more fulfilling life, one that is freer of stress& worry and one where I feel authentic. 
I also just love to write, and for that release I couldn't be more grateful.
What helps you "purge"? Are you honest with yourself? What does dishonesty do for you?



  1. I can relate to this so much. I don't keep an official journal or diary, but that's because I have my blog for that. I usually write a post every day, but sometimes I don't publish certain ones if they are more 'private'. Still, there's not much I don't admit to on my blog and I find that if I spend a few days where I'm not being honest with myself I feel like absolute CRAP and I can't fix it until I just let it all out.

    I'm glad you started journalling again :) It's really important to connect with yourself every once in awhile... it makes it hard to hide from everything that needs to be dealt with :)

  2. A journal on computer ? Good idea :D

  3. Just make sure you remember the password. I lost almost a whole 6 months once when I switched to a new document and forgot the olds password!

    Journaling is great help, and a great reminder.

  4. Just caught up with you and -- while you may be inclined to think your last few posts were about challenges...I am inclined to point out to you, my dear, that they are full of triumphs!
    1. Fighting the urges.
    2. Dealing with the aftermath.
    3. Being honest.

    Yeah. This sucks all right, doesn't it?
    But we can do it.

    PS-congrats on your award..I just wish it said "Top anorexia RECOVERY blog." (0:


  5. Tat- Haha if i used my blog as an actual "journal" I'm pretty much that the entire page would be filled with things like:
    "lalalala what should i do- i hate homework and my mom too."

    im not too eloquent ;)

    And Missy
    You are awesome. Aka...thanks for always making me feel self-indulgently good :)
    and i'm with you on the award... like c'mon now people! Let's at least THINK about what we're saying here..

  6. A journal on computer ? Good idea :D