But we're all mad here, right?

do you ever feel like your brain is about to explode with thoughts?

A drawing by my good friend Lauren.Isn't it awesome?
It shows freaking exactly what i'm sure we all feel like sometimes.

sometimes, and i know that i've mentioned it before, as other bloggers also do sometimes, i feel like there are days when i have so many things in my head that i want to share/get out, that sometimes it becomes too much and i just can't express any of it. Black and White thinking, much? Yep, i know.

Today when i got out of therapy, all of a sudden i felt really sad. And intimidated...ya know...by the girl in the waiting room going in after me. I hate eating disorder treatment sometimes. I think that kind of "competitiveness" (aka when you and another person kind of size each other up in a not-so-discreet-lets-see-who-can-give-the-most-deathly-stare-i'm-so-cool- way) is part of high school just generally, but i think when you know that someone also has an eating disorder, that kind of weirdness is sort of intensified. I hate that. It just sort of pushes my metaphorical knife (sorry lol i'm in such a weird writing mood) of self-dislike further and further in, and i hate that awful kind of insecurity. 

I bet other people feel this just with other bloggers even. Perhaps at foodbuzz, which i've been reading a lot about? Yes? No?

Anyway, so i came out of therapy feeling weird/sad/shaken up for some reason. Or for a few reasons.

And then i put my ipod on and got on the train and was just thinkingthinkingthinking and before i knew it i wished i had a journal with me because i had all these thoughts that i didn't want to lose and that i wanted to share with you. And i hate it when i feel like my brain is exploding.

Am i making any sense here? Maybe i'm more sleep deprived/caffiene jazzed than i really thought.

Enough self-doubt, i'm gonna keep writing.

What i wanted to say was this. When i was on the train and feeling confused/sad/whatever, i kind of started saying cheesy things to myself in my head. Things like "I like myself" or "I can do anything i set my mind to" ...(in normal person speak i think these would be called affirmations ;) )

I automatically felt better. Saying these random affirmations to myself, even though i didn't believe them kind of helped. And then i realized something. 

I think that's one of the things that's so great about blogging. When i read the comments that i get on my posts, i instantly feel so loved/supported and i'm just so grateful and i just feel better about myself.

That's because, often times, you guys say to me things that I can't yet say to myself. 

It reminds me of when I was in treatment and i felt really supported, because my friends and I would all kind of root for each other, until we eventually, little by little, learned to root for ourselves. I guess that's what's so great about this. Is that hopefully, someday, after hearing it enough times from our friends/whoever is nice enough to give a damn, we will be able to say encouraging things to ourselves, and then, possibly, live out our lives in ways commensurate with those positive thoughts, etc.

Make sense? i hope so.

alright, well, if you made it through this weird/rambly/non-sensical post, i congratulate you tremendously and will personally send you a cyber hug ;) oh, sometimes i wonder how i even have friends. if you met me and i was being this weird wouldn't you jsut want to beat me up and throw me in a trash can or something? Don't answer that. :P

shutting up now!

xo

thank you all for just being amazing readers/commenters/inspirational people who keep me going :)

-rose