Monday, November 15, 2010

But we're all mad here, right?

do you ever feel like your brain is about to explode with thoughts?


A drawing by my good friend Lauren.Isn't it awesome?
It shows freaking exactly what i'm sure we all feel like sometimes.
sometimes, and i know that i've mentioned it before, as other bloggers also do sometimes, i feel like there are days when i have so many things in my head that i want to share/get out, that sometimes it becomes too much and i just can't express any of it. Black and White thinking, much? Yep, i know.
Today when i got out of therapy, all of a sudden i felt really sad. And intimidated...ya know...by the girl in the waiting room going in after me. I hate eating disorder treatment sometimes. I think that kind of "competitiveness" (aka when you and another person kind of size each other up in a not-so-discreet-lets-see-who-can-give-the-most-deathly-stare-i'm-so-cool- way) is part of high school just generally, but i think when you know that someone also has an eating disorder, that kind of weirdness is sort of intensified. I hate that. It just sort of pushes my metaphorical knife (sorry lol i'm in such a weird writing mood) of self-dislike further and further in, and i hate that awful kind of insecurity. 
I bet other people feel this just with other bloggers even. Perhaps at foodbuzz, which i've been reading a lot about? Yes? No?
Anyway, so i came out of therapy feeling weird/sad/shaken up for some reason. Or for a few reasons.
And then i put my ipod on and got on the train and was just thinkingthinkingthinking and before i knew it i wished i had a journal with me because i had all these thoughts that i didn't want to lose and that i wanted to share with you. And i hate it when i feel like my brain is exploding.
Am i making any sense here? Maybe i'm more sleep deprived/caffiene jazzed than i really thought.
Enough self-doubt, i'm gonna keep writing.
What i wanted to say was this. When i was on the train and feeling confused/sad/whatever, i kind of started saying cheesy things to myself in my head. Things like "I like myself" or "I can do anything i set my mind to" ...(in normal person speak i think these would be called affirmations ;) )
I automatically felt better. Saying these random affirmations to myself, even though i didn't believe them kind of helped. And then i realized something. 
I think that's one of the things that's so great about blogging. When i read the comments that i get on my posts, i instantly feel so loved/supported and i'm just so grateful and i just feel better about myself.
That's because, often times, you guys say to me things that I can't yet say to myself. 
It reminds me of when I was in treatment and i felt really supported, because my friends and I would all kind of root for each other, until we eventually, little by little, learned to root for ourselves. I guess that's what's so great about this. Is that hopefully, someday, after hearing it enough times from our friends/whoever is nice enough to give a damn, we will be able to say encouraging things to ourselves, and then, possibly, live out our lives in ways commensurate with those positive thoughts, etc.
Make sense? i hope so.
alright, well, if you made it through this weird/rambly/non-sensical post, i congratulate you tremendously and will personally send you a cyber hug ;) oh, sometimes i wonder how i even have friends. if you met me and i was being this weird wouldn't you jsut want to beat me up and throw me in a trash can or something? Don't answer that. :P
shutting up now!
xo
thank you all for just being amazing readers/commenters/inspirational people who keep me going :)
-rose

7 comments:

  1. You most definitely wouldn't end up in a trash can after running into me :) I actually enjoyed this... it was real, honest, and expressive. Kinda like that beautiful drawing ;) Your friend's got some talent!

    I know what you are trying to say. For the longest time when I started blogging I felt so worthless that the only moments during the day when I felt semi-ok about myself was when I was reading the feedback I got from everyone. After awhile, I really started believing in myself and now I don't rely on them so much. Don't get me wrong, I still have a lot of work to do in the world of self-love, but I've definitely come a long way :)

    I'm glad you were able to affirm yourself today... even if it was only for a moment ;)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I love saying affirmations tomyself, I find they help so much, especially on bad days.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You are one of the last people I would want to beat up and throw in a trash can, Rose! (Not that I could, even if I tried. Not with these poor excuses for muscles!)
    I know the frustration of having so much to say with no way of being able to express yourself - it happens on a daily basis. Never feel like you're alone in this. We all know exactly how it feels to be bombarded with thoughts, both good and bad.
    But girl, I am so proud of you for reciting positive affirmations to yourself. The more you do it, the easier they are to believe and the better, stronger and more confident you will feel. It is worth it, I promise!
    Whenever you feel like it's too hard, read through your comments. You will always have support, love and kindness shown to you.

    No one's love is more powerful than the love you have for yourself.

    <3
    Eleanor

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  4. you are so amazing. i may not even know you, but i know that much.

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  5. Your wods --->
    my friends and I would all kind of root for each other, until we eventually, little by little, learned to root for ourselves.

    Makes sense? Yes. It makes the most beautiful sense.

    We ARE learning to be our own cheerleaders. My blog has helped me with that, too. Isn't it amazing?

    *warmfuzzyfeeling*

    Missy

    ReplyDelete
  6. Your wods --->
    my friends and I would all kind of root for each other, until we eventually, little by little, learned to root for ourselves.

    Makes sense? Yes. It makes the most beautiful sense.

    We ARE learning to be our own cheerleaders. My blog has helped me with that, too. Isn't it amazing?

    *warmfuzzyfeeling*

    Missy

    ReplyDelete
  7. You most definitely wouldn't end up in a trash can after running into me :) I actually enjoyed this... it was real, honest, and expressive. Kinda like that beautiful drawing ;) Your friend's got some talent!

    I know what you are trying to say. For the longest time when I started blogging I felt so worthless that the only moments during the day when I felt semi-ok about myself was when I was reading the feedback I got from everyone. After awhile, I really started believing in myself and now I don't rely on them so much. Don't get me wrong, I still have a lot of work to do in the world of self-love, but I've definitely come a long way :)

    I'm glad you were able to affirm yourself today... even if it was only for a moment ;)

    ReplyDelete