Sunday, January 30, 2011

Cloud Cookies and Lingering Reminders

Before you read this post, if you haven't already entered my amazing giveaway by donating to, tweeting, facebooking or emailing Sofia's fundraiser, go to my last post : Safe Sofia, Save Ourselves and do so immediately! 
phew. ok, now that that's out of the way...
wanna see some pictures?!
yesterday, I met my beautiful friend Kitty for brunch at Le Pain Quotidein.
Neither of us had ever gotten their semi-famous "bread basket" before, so we decided to take the big leap and go for it. 
it was frickin huge!
this picture (obviously) doesn't do it justice so you'll just have to trust me on this one.
there were multiple pieces of delicous bread that were about 2X the size of my face

as requested, it came with lots of awesome spreads. they were all delicious!

kitty developed a quick addiction to this here decadent breakfast condiment.
i don't blame the girl.

and my personal fave...
guess its fitting, since i'm a brunette.
unsurprisingly, after we acquired quite large food babies, we were happy campers.

kitty may very well murder me for putting this on the world wide web,
but i think it's adorable. she's my favorite "blondie" ;)
my last (on the fly)comment about "food babies" reminds me of what else i wanted to talk about in this post: lingering reminders of my eating disorder. 
As many of you may know, my official diagnosis was bulimia, which was fitting for the most part. In that vein, i was stick-thin or emaciated, despite my rather drastic weight fluctuations, i always looked pretty normal (aside from the huge bags under my eyes, the chipmunk cheeks and my lovely smelling breath, ya know, i was normal.) 

yo, check it, MORE BLONDIES!!!

i went to the birthday party of a very special six-year-old yesterday.
that's her adorable little bro next to her.  my niece and nephew are just too cute. 

happy sixth birthday, sophie! i love you!
{end intermission}
people couldn't tell just by looking at me that I had an eating disorder. 
This used to make me super angry, but now I really don't care at all, in fact, i'm happy to be normal! 

how pretty is this kale? I made my parents kale last night, it was delish!
Nowadays, even if people followed me around with a camera for 24 hours, they would have no idea that i used to have an eating disorder. Mostly everything I do is totally normal. mostly =) . 
Today, i wanted to talk about the lingering reminders, the things that still are on my mind and that bother me in terms of the Ed.
(in no particular order):
1.) Food Babies
I mentioned this above. I hate being super super full. Back in my ED days, I got to the point where if i my stomach was ever less than growling-crazy- starving- empty, i would run right to the bathroom. Now, of course, things are different, and i really appreciate the satisfaction of a good meal. But food babies and being super full? Not so much. I know most (normal) people don't enjoy being overly full, but the difference is that for a lot of people with eds its more of an emotional issue than a physical one. It's the thoughts and feelings that are triggered by feeling a heaviness in my stomach that bother me, not the heaviness itself.
this chocolate has truffles in it. O.M.G.
2.)Fat Talk
I hate fat talk. a lot a lot a lot. Conversations like this totally set me off. I think my aversion to fat talk runs a little deeper than just plain old anger, to be perfectly honest. I think my problem with it is not only that its just rude, mean, unhelpful, not constructive and none-of-your-ffing-business why that kid is pudgy, or why that popular girl ate some extra cookies over christmas break, its more about my perception of myself. I think my hatred of fat talk stems from a deep-seated fear/belief that i have that when people are talking about that chubby kid on the street, they might as well be talking about me because, hey, i'm fat too.
I know this is wrong. I know i'm not overweight. That's not the point here. The point is that, emotionally, i feel as if people are (or might as well be) talking about me, because in my mind, no matter what, i feel fat. This certainly still bothers me.

best. snack. ever. 
3.)"unhealthy" foods
whether or not my sometimes avoidance of "unhealthy" foods is eating disordered is debatable in this day and age (especially near this corner of the blogosphere) . i know that for me, however, my drive to eat "healthy" "pure" "unprocessed" foods is semi-dangerous and that I can't take it too far. I need to know that if i want a freaking milk chocolate bar rather than a vegan 99.999% block of fucking cocoa, then that's okay. I need to keep a handle on myself and know it's okay to bake with All-Purpose Flour, that it's not the devil and it won't rot my brain. I don't always have to drink Kombucha or eat perfectly fresh fruit, and hey, if i want a bowl of Lucky Charms for breakfast (not that i really do...) is that really so bad?

perhaps i'll continue this and make it into a series of sorts if any more lingering reminders pop into my head, but for now that's all I wanted to say about that. 
Now for the real reason your reading this post: 
 Cloud Cookies.
remember back when I got this book?

well, i finally put it into good use.
um, guys, i have to tell you, these are the best things i have ever baked.
no joke.

since i didn't have sliced almonds, i heated these up and chopped them by hand.
totally fine, except that i nearly chopped off my thumb. 
oh, the things a girl will do for a cookie.

why, yes, dear reader, that is an 8 dollar hunk of Valrhona chocolate! 
fucking scrumptious.

they're light, slightly crunchy, have a delicious nutty/praline-y taste.
check out those cracks!
those air holes? totally amazing. (totally supposed to be there!)

Cloud Cookies
(adapted from Sarabeth's Bakery cookbook)
Makes about 3 dozen cookies
11/3 cup granulated sugar
11/3 cup light brown sugar
16 tbsp (2sticks) butter
3/4 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 large eggs (room temp)
2 cups all purpose flour (!!!)
3/4 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon fine sea salt
2 cups (8 ounces) toasted sliced(or chopped) almonds (i used less than this, about 7 ounces)
2 cups (12 ounces) semisweet chocolate chips (or chunks)

Preheat oven to 350 F. Line three cookie sheets with parchment paper. combine sugars in medium bowl. set aside. Beat butter until smooth, about 1 minute. Gradually add sugar mixture, then the vanilla.
Beat, occasionally scarping the bottom and sides of the bowl, until the mixture is pale yellow and light-textured, about 5 minutes. Gradually beat in eggs.
Sift the flour, baking soda and salt together. With mixer speed on low, add the dry ingredients in three additions, mixing just until each is incorporated. Add almonds and chocolate chips and mix until combined.
Using a 2-inch diamater spoon/ice cream scoop (i used a tablespooon), portion out batter onto the prepared pans. Using the heel of your palm, slightly flatten each ball of dough. Bake about 10-14 minutes (for a slightly crunchier, crisper cookie, bake for up to 18 minutes). During the last 3 minutes, rap each pan on the rack. the cookies will deflate and their signature cracks will appear. Cool on pans and store in airtight container for up to 5 days.

xo, rose.


  1. I hate hate hate it when my stomach feels too full. I try to practice the "stop when you feel 80% full" idea and it really works for me.

    Sometimes at Le Pain Quotodien I will just order a cup of coffee and eat some of the raspberry jam, straight from a spoon. Is that gross or what?

  2. PS - Happy Birthday to Sophie! She and her brother are too cute.

  3. Those blondie and brunette spreads look so good- I'm very jealous! I wonder where I could find them?

  4. I just saw your comment on my blog. Thank you so much. It totally made my day : ] !

  5. I love the idea of "keeping a handle on" oneself in regards to what we are capable of in terms of avoiding certain foods given our histories ... I super needed to read that and thank you!

  6. you're very welcome!!!

  7. so as i'm killing time waiting for this baby to be born...i think i found out what i'm doing tomorrow! baking cookies...THOSE cookies ALL DAY!
    in other news...i love you & your blog. i love that you notice where your ED still me, it lingers for a long time, and it's important to keep aware so that they don't take you down! you're kickin ass, darlin. xo

  8. This is so hopeful, I am recovering from an eating disorder at the moment and its inspiring to hear that people do actually get to a point where most things are okay, even with a few lingering behaviours. Fat talk gets to me so badly, and diet talk. It is as if EVERYONE is on a diet at the moment!
    Thanks for the cookie recipie, I am going to try them for a friends birthday!
    Sophie x

  9. i looked it up online and i don't think they're available unless you buy them at the store! what a bummer.

  10. so glad you liked this, sophie! keep fighting. and definitely make the cookies...and have some yourself?!

  11. I love what you said about eating disorders. I am a recovering bulimic, so everything you said I never could put into words before. But OMG it is so helpful because I feel like people are talking about me when they comment about fat, and fattening foods. Thank you so FUCKING much :) 

  12. you're so welcome :)