where i have been

{a little post to let you know where the h*** i have been }

i've been watching the ice melt under my feet. 

(literally.)

i've been eating cookies

(and cupcakes)

i've been enjoying the little eccentricities of the city

i've been happy that spring has arrived

i've been indulging my shopping urges

check out those glasses!

most of all though, i've been working. a lot.

i've almost gotten so bogged down in the hum-drum no-stop pace of it all that i've forgotten where i've been, why i'm here, where i came from.

sometimes i find myself getting so wrapped up in all of this stuff.

Top 10 Colleges and SAT scores and History papers and test dates, 

and all of a sudden it becomes

really easy to just forget who that girl is who is sitting and

 holding the pencil (with her left hand, by the way-  but more on that later) because i become

so focused on the outcome or the product or the grade.

sometimes its good to get a reminder of who i am. why i'm doing all of this, rather than just going on autopilot with the hope that i can get it all done (w/ flying colors) 

and hope that the rest of my life will wait.

well, it wont.

i need to be a person. not just pieces of a person. 

not just a test grade, or a vocabulary word.

a person. a whole being. me.

this blog is part of that.

i'm back. 

sorry for the absence. i promise i'm here to stay. 

it's easy to lose yourself if you don't remind yourself who you are, why you're here.

i've learned that at least.

as for all that SAT junk...now that's a different story.

xo, Rose

have you ever gotten so caught up in something that you've lost yourself?

 how did you get 'you' back?

in denial about being in denial? say wha?

so i have a few things I want to say, but i was stalling because up until a few seconds ago I didn't know how I was going to say them.
here goes nothing. (what does that even mean??? more like here goes something.)
I think i've been lying to myself. <---i'm resisting the urge to put the phrase "a little" at the end of that sentence. lies are pretty black and white. you either lie or you don't. period.
i think i've been "messing with my food". (again, resisting the phrase -urge)
Carrie just wrote a really great post on "needing a gps" and how we kind of need a "gps" in recovery.
i think i just realized that she's right.
today was a little bit of (ah, shucks, gave into the urge, sorry!) a wake up call for me.
i was sitting in therapy and then i started talking about my food and somehow we got to the place where D was like "Are you messing with your food, Rose?"
I was all like "um, well, no i just---"
                     "What just happened to your voice?"
                     "My what?"
                      "Your voice. Your voice just completely changed. You're messing with your food,                             aren't you?"
                     "No, i mean, i'm not. I'm just not hungry. I'm really, truly not hungry. I don't eat when i'm not hungry. that's normal. "
                       "You need to eat. Does L (dietitian) know about this?"
                       "Yes. And so did you. L knows, she weighs me for gosh sake."
                       "I did not know about this. I thought you got over that little period of time a few months ago, you didn't tell me about this"
                      "I didn't because it's not a problem, i'm not doing it intentionally"...blahblahblah rose's eating disorder continues to fight a losing battle with her therapist for a good ten minutes of a 3/4 of an hour-long session
Eventually my brain kicked ED out for a few seconds of clarity and I realized that I have been lying to myself, and to all of you for a little while.
(I say "to all of you" because I feel that as a recovery blog, I have an absolute obligation to reveal when I am struggling, so as not to let my eating disorder lurk anywhere in these pages.)
Here's the deal. I cut back on my food a little over a month ago because my anxiety was getting super bad (i've now switched meds) and my stomach just couldn't handle a lot. That kind of triggered a little bit of restricting that I thought I had put an end to but it has still been trickling in.
I thought I had totally kicked ED out when, this weekend, i basically had a food fest and just ate tons of delicious food at every meal and was totally chill about it. (pictures of said deliciousness to come, no worries)
But then on monday and yesterday and then again today my food has been kind of off.
It took my therapist getting pretty effing angry at me for me to realize i had fallen off track. And i was in denial. And i was also in denial that i was in denial. woah there.
so, there. i said it. and it's awkward and weird (especially because my parents read this from time to time and that thought just embarrasses me a little bit but i'll get over it)
just now I ate a bagel (after solemnly eating a proffered [more like irritatedly insisted upon] balance bar in my therapist office, and i'm going to get back on track. (i hate that phrase. can we come up with a new one, perhaps one that doesn't rhyme quite as cheesily?)
i'm grateful that Carrie posted about a recovery GPS because it really helped me put this whole thing into perspective. I just needed my therapist to be my GPS, I needed someone to tell me that i was lost, so i wouldn't spend the extra hours roaming around before I realized I was going south instead of north.
That being said, it was also a really icky feeling to have my therapist be "mad" at me back there. I didn't like it one bit. I think that's almost a reason not to restrict in itself.
A reader recently emailed me and told me how much my blog has helped her. I love hearing that. And for that reason also, I know I need to keep going, because if there's one thing I want to do in this world, it's help people, and I only have a shot at that if i can help myself first.

PHEW. now wanna see some #MomofukuMadness???
now that all of that is taken care of, wanna see some photos of deliciousness?
sure ya do!

went to Momofuku's Milk bar with my daddyo

i was immediately drawn to the crack pie, of course.

they also have all these weird milks...i think they have something called "cereal milk" too...

the goods:

the compost cookie. uh-mazing. very possibly the best cookie i've ever tasted.
and i know my cookies, ladies and gents.

last but definitely not least, the famous Crack pie.
it's a drug no doubt. thought it's definitely cooler than crack, i assure you

thanks for listening to my rambles!

xo

rose

The Sorcerer's Apprentice and Eating Disorders

today in my (amazing, exhilarating, totally awesome) Popular Culture class, we watched Fantasia. 
For those of you who don't know, Fantasia is a film that was originally produced by Disney and released in 1940. It was all about the merging of cartoon and classical music, a phenomenon that was really well received by film critics but that pissed a lot of music critics off (because they think Disney was "cheapening" the music)
For my class, we had to read an essay about "Reception theory" , which is basically what it sounds like, a study of how audiences receive or understand certain media based upon their personal experiences, outlook, socio-economic status, race, etc.
I had never seen Fantasia before. What's funny is that my favorite part of it was definitely the Mickey Mouse as the Sorcerer's Apprentice segment, which i've embedded below.
In it, (if you don't want to take 8 minutes to watch it, which is totally understandable, even though it is a Friday - thank god!!!) Mickey is the apprentice to a sorcerer. He is shown carrying heavy buckets of water up and down stairs, and feeling tired and strung out from all the heavy-lifting. He then starts playing around a little bit (by putting on the sorcerer's hat) and tries to make a broom come to life. It does. And then Mickey tries to teach the broom to do the heavy lifting for him.
The broom starts going up and down the stairs while Mickey just enjoys himself, sits back and relaxes. then Mickey falls asleep, and the next thing he knows, he is drowning in water because the broom  has totally overdone it and is out of his control. Mickey doesn't know what to do. He freaks out and tries to get it to stop but then the brooms multiply and there are tons of them and they go faster and faster and Mickey is drowning and scared.
Eventually, the Sorcerer comes along and stops all of this madness, and Mickey is left ashamed and, well, in trouble for playing around.
I "received" this as an analogy for eating disorders. It hit me immediately that we are Mickey.
Tired and bored of the hum-drum of everyday life and feelings and all that other stuff, we tried to find a way out of it. We tried  to find a way where we wouldn't have to do all the work. Feel all those bad things. The broom is our eating disorders.
At first, it was nice. We had a nice system going. The brooms were doing all the heavy-lifting. It gave us a nice break, a chance to relax, "take the edge off", kick up our feet (as Mickey does, literally) and just sail smoothly for a while, not feeling any feelings or having to actually engage in life.
Inevitably, though, we somehow let it get out of our control. We couldn't stop restricting. Or purging. Or bingeing. We begged and pleaded with our eating disorder to just stop, stop the awful thoughts and the crazy behaviors, as Mickey fruitlessly pleads with the brooms. It doesn't work.
Eventually, someone intervenes and we are left ashamed and confused as to how we got there. I mean, c'mon-- we were just playing around a little bit! Skipping a couple meals. Seeing if sticking our fingers down our throats would make us feel better. Trying on the proverbial sorcerer's cap. We then spiraled out of control and were drowning in our own, self-made flood of anxiety and fear and food. Finally, (hopefully), someone steps in and makes it all stop. Calms the waves for a little bit. Takes control. We, having (again, hopefully) learned our lesson walk away, not unscathed, but at least we didn't drown.
We are the Sorcerer's Apprentices. 



xo,
Rose

you don't know how lucky you are.

 i was talking in therapy today (isn't it just darn comical when people start their sentences [or blog posts] like that?) about how i am always jealous of girls who are sicker than I am, or was.

I've always kind of been curious about this phenomenon, as it, being related to eating disorders, has always kind of seemed different, or somehow more complex than just your standard, run-of-the-mill jealousy.

i'm pretty sure this is a  common theme in eating disorders...jealousy/competitiveness/whatever you want to call it. It's kind f the source of a lot of tension the "ED world", so to speak, because most people with an ed do not think they are "sick enough" or as "sick" as the next girl (in the waiting room, the dietitians office, the doctors office, on the street, etc). 

(Source: Samantha Conlon)

some quotations...

18036) My best friend is my trigger.

18126) I secretly wish that all the ED girls who I follow will have a bad day, so that I can feel even better about my good day.

(from Confessions about Eating Disorders (i'm only posting the link b/c i have to for copyright reasons--but don't visit this site if you're easily triggered, please.)

so...what the hell is up with us? 

What's with all the competition and jealousy? 

Anyway, so i was talking in therapist about how
yes, i, too, still get really upset/jealous/whatever when I see girls who are visibly very sick, or when girls who I know relapse. I was talking about how I hate that they get more attention than I do.
D (my therapist) asked how I know they get more attention. I said, in my experience, they just do. 

And i, being bulimic, i have always felt that I do not warrant the same kind of attention as a super-underweight anorexic. (see this post for more on that)

(Source: 1000 nightmares)

I was saying how I "hated" the girls who came into treatment, kicking and screaming and ridiculously underweight, usually between the ages of 14-18, forced by their parents or doctor. I said I hated them because they didn't know how lucky they were. how lucky they were to have people who noticed early. How lucky they were not to have to take responsibility for choosing treatment. How lucky they were to be in the position of stubborn, sick, anorexic girl who needs lots of care, attention and coaxing and support. 

How lucky they were to still be stuck in the oblivion of their eating disorder, making the rest of us miserable with their stupid comments about how "this place just wants to make me fat", and not having to worry or  think about recovery because, in fact, they didn't care.
I talked about how I'd always wanted to get out of my chair or off my couch in the group room and scream at them, lungs full and face red you don't know how lucky you are, you skinny fucking bitch!

But then D said something really smart. (lol, look at that, Rose-a therapist said something insightful!) She reminded me of something I had totally forgotten. she said, I think you want to tell them how lucky they are in general, but you're just minimizing it down to food and body-weight and ed-stuff.

true, true or true?

I pick all three. 

I forgot about this.

I forgot about how eating disorders do this.

How we feel something very strongly but then we make it all about food and weight and ed-related stuff. 

just cause we're programmed like that. or cause it's easier. I don't know.

but when I thought about it, and I mean really thought about it, I realized D was right.

What I really wanted (and want to) say to all those girls (and not only the very sick ones, but also my friends from school and many people in my life) is you don't know how lucky you are. 

Because, at times,  I feel unlucky.

Whether that is depression, anxiety, teenagerness, ed-ness, or circumstance, I don't know. But I assume I'm not alone in this. I think we all envy others when we are feeling down ( I know i have days where i'd rather be the homeless man on Fifth Avenue than be myself), and I think those of us with eating disorders just attribute it to weight/degree of sickness or acuteness/ ed-related attention, etc and so forth. 

I'm not really sure what the remedy for this is. I think for those of us with eating disorders, it can simply be remind ourselves that it's about more than what that girl weighs, or what you weigh. 

(Source: Tumblr Photography)

And it's about more than how she is still "allowed" to starve herself, etc, etc. And for all of us, I think it's about being grateful for what we have. Even if it feels like not a lot sometimes. I know my ability to be thankful for the things in my life changes from moment to moment, but i think no matter what, i can always find something, even if it's just a blanket or a cup of tea, to be happy about. 
What are you grateful for today?

And can you relate to any part of my crazy-jealousy?

 Let me know in the comments :)

Momofuku Giveaway!

alright guys, so i wasn't very specific about what the prizes were for my Safe Sofia, Save Ourselves giveaway because I didn't know what it was going to be, but i've decided to give you all a sneak peek into some possible prizes...
Anybody ever heard of Momofuku?
it's pretty much one of the coolest restaurants in the city, i'm going later this week (don't worry, i'll take plenty of pics!), and i thought i might share some of the goods with any of you who wish to tweet/facebook/mass-email/blog about Sofia's fund. (click on that to see her fundraising page & possibly even make a donation???)

ive been looking through the momofuku website and i found these goodies...
check this out
The Compost cookie
pretzels, potato chips, coffee, oats, butterscotch, chocolate chips

or how about this...

Blueberry and Cream cookie

dried blueberries, milk crumbs

and the feature presentation i give you:

Crack Pie

toasted oat crust, gooey butter filling

are you all drooling yet? I hope so. 

if you want a chance to win these, possibly along with some other goodies that i haven't picked out yet,

(momofuku cookbook, anyone?)

please please please tweet/facebook/blog about/email/ Sofia's fund, or better yet, donate!

RT @grlspinsmadlyon Enter an amazing Momofuku Giveaway!!! http://bit.ly/gasxsI #sofiasfund 

extra entries for tweeting/facebooking or otherwise promoting this giveaway post!

xo

rose

Cloud Cookies and Lingering Reminders

Before you read this post, if you haven't already entered my amazing giveaway by donating to, tweeting, facebooking or emailing Sofia's fundraiser, go to my last post : Safe Sofia, Save Ourselves and do so immediately! 
phew. ok, now that that's out of the way...
wanna see some pictures?!
yesterday, I met my beautiful friend Kitty for brunch at Le Pain Quotidein.
Neither of us had ever gotten their semi-famous "bread basket" before, so we decided to take the big leap and go for it. 
it was frickin huge!

this picture (obviously) doesn't do it justice so you'll just have to trust me on this one.
there were multiple pieces of delicous bread that were about 2X the size of my face

as requested, it came with lots of awesome spreads. they were all delicious!

kitty developed a quick addiction to this here decadent breakfast condiment.
i don't blame the girl.

and my personal fave...

guess its fitting, since i'm a brunette.

unsurprisingly, after we acquired quite large food babies, we were happy campers.

kitty may very well murder me for putting this on the world wide web,
but i think it's adorable. she's my favorite "blondie" ;)

my last (on the fly)comment about "food babies" reminds me of what else i wanted to talk about in this post: lingering reminders of my eating disorder. 

As many of you may know, my official diagnosis was bulimia, which was fitting for the most part. In that vein, i was stick-thin or emaciated, despite my rather drastic weight fluctuations, i always looked pretty normal (aside from the huge bags under my eyes, the chipmunk cheeks and my lovely smelling breath, ya know, i was normal.) 

{intermission}

yo, check it, MORE BLONDIES!!!

i went to the birthday party of a very special six-year-old yesterday.
that's her adorable little bro next to her.  my niece and nephew are just too cute. 

happy sixth birthday, sophie! i love you!

{end intermission}

people couldn't tell just by looking at me that I had an eating disorder. 

This used to make me super angry, but now I really don't care at all, in fact, i'm happy to be normal! 

how pretty is this kale? I made my parents kale last night, it was delish!

Nowadays, even if people followed me around with a camera for 24 hours, they would have no idea that i used to have an eating disorder. Mostly everything I do is totally normal. mostly =) . 

Today, i wanted to talk about the lingering reminders, the things that still are on my mind and that bother me in terms of the Ed.

(in no particular order):

1.) Food Babies

I mentioned this above. I hate being super super full. Back in my ED days, I got to the point where if i my stomach was ever less than growling-crazy- starving- empty, i would run right to the bathroom. Now, of course, things are different, and i really appreciate the satisfaction of a good meal. But food babies and being super full? Not so much. I know most (normal) people don't enjoy being overly full, but the difference is that for a lot of people with eds its more of an emotional issue than a physical one. It's the thoughts and feelings that are triggered by feeling a heaviness in my stomach that bother me, not the heaviness itself.

this chocolate has truffles in it. O.M.G.

2.)Fat Talk

I hate fat talk. a lot a lot a lot. Conversations like this totally set me off. I think my aversion to fat talk runs a little deeper than just plain old anger, to be perfectly honest. I think my problem with it is not only that its just rude, mean, unhelpful, not constructive and none-of-your-ffing-business why that kid is pudgy, or why that popular girl ate some extra cookies over christmas break, its more about my perception of myself. I think my hatred of fat talk stems from a deep-seated fear/belief that i have that when people are talking about that chubby kid on the street, they might as well be talking about me because, hey, i'm fat too.

I know this is wrong. I know i'm not overweight. That's not the point here. The point is that, emotionally, i feel as if people are (or might as well be) talking about me, because in my mind, no matter what, i feel fat. This certainly still bothers me.

                                          **************************************

strawberries

plus...

=

best. snack. ever. 

*******************************************

3.)"unhealthy" foods

whether or not my sometimes avoidance of "unhealthy" foods is eating disordered is debatable in this day and age (especially near this corner of the blogosphere) . i know that for me, however, my drive to eat "healthy" "pure" "unprocessed" foods is semi-dangerous and that I can't take it too far. I need to know that if i want a freaking milk chocolate bar rather than a vegan 99.999% block of fucking cocoa, then that's okay. I need to keep a handle on myself and know it's okay to bake with All-Purpose Flour, that it's not the devil and it won't rot my brain. I don't always have to drink Kombucha or eat perfectly fresh fruit, and hey, if i want a bowl of Lucky Charms for breakfast (not that i really do...) is that really so bad?

perhaps i'll continue this and make it into a series of sorts if any more lingering reminders pop into my head, but for now that's all I wanted to say about that. 

Now for the real reason your reading this post: 

 Cloud Cookies.

remember back when I got this book?

well, i finally put it into good use.

um, guys, i have to tell you, these are the best things i have ever baked.

no joke.

since i didn't have sliced almonds, i heated these up and chopped them by hand.
totally fine, except that i nearly chopped off my thumb. 

oh, the things a girl will do for a cookie.

why, yes, dear reader, that is an 8 dollar hunk of Valrhona chocolate! 

fucking scrumptious.

they're light, slightly crunchy, have a delicious nutty/praline-y taste.

check out those cracks!

those air holes? totally amazing. (totally supposed to be there!)

ahhhh.

Cloud Cookies

(adapted from Sarabeth's Bakery cookbook)

Makes about 3 dozen cookies

Ingredients:

11/3 cup granulated sugar

11/3 cup light brown sugar

16 tbsp (2sticks) butter

3/4 teaspoon vanilla extract

2 large eggs (room temp)

2 cups all purpose flour (!!!)

3/4 teaspoon baking soda

1/4 teaspoon fine sea salt

2 cups (8 ounces) toasted sliced(or chopped) almonds (i used less than this, about 7 ounces)

2 cups (12 ounces) semisweet chocolate chips (or chunks)

Preheat oven to 350 F. Line three cookie sheets with parchment paper. combine sugars in medium bowl. set aside. Beat butter until smooth, about 1 minute. Gradually add sugar mixture, then the vanilla.
Beat, occasionally scarping the bottom and sides of the bowl, until the mixture is pale yellow and light-textured, about 5 minutes. Gradually beat in eggs.
Sift the flour, baking soda and salt together. With mixer speed on low, add the dry ingredients in three additions, mixing just until each is incorporated. Add almonds and chocolate chips and mix until combined.
Using a 2-inch diamater spoon/ice cream scoop (i used a tablespooon), portion out batter onto the prepared pans. Using the heel of your palm, slightly flatten each ball of dough. Bake about 10-14 minutes (for a slightly crunchier, crisper cookie, bake for up to 18 minutes). During the last 3 minutes, rap each pan on the rack. the cookies will deflate and their signature cracks will appear. Cool on pans and store in airtight container for up to 5 days.

xo, rose.

Save Sofia, Save Ourselves.

does anyone remember this lovely girl?

it's okay if you don't.
i forgive you. 
just go read my post: How to Save a Life. 
For those of you who weren't around or don't remember, this is Sofia.
Sofia has an eating disorder. 
She needs our help. 
Badly.
Back in October, I asked you guys to check out her fundraising page because she was trying to raise money  to get into treatment. The same treatment facility that I trust because I, personally, was able to find a peaceful place to being my recovery there. 
Starting today, I'm doing a Momofuku giveaway (scroll to the bottom of this post for details), and begging you to donate.
You see, after she did some fundraising and after Sofia's father took out money from his savings, Sofia was able to go into treatment like we all were hoping she would. Phew.
But her insurance cut out super early again. Big Surprise there, right? 
She also is still in the appeals process. It's kind of a bummer. 
Sofia has worked so hard and come so far, even in the midst of her debilitating mental illness.
Here is some of Sofia's wisdom about recovery that I think you all deserve to hear:

                                             “it was then that I realized, my moment of clarity wasn’t 

 going to come. That moment in movies where the heavens part and the addict wakes up and realizes their illness is 

going to kill them and it scares them into changing their behavior. I mean I’ve had little moments like that. Where I saw the reality of my situation and it terrified me. I’ve had moments where I come out of it enough to realize the insanity of my behavior and the seriousness of my medical status and the very potentially fatal consequences of my actions…and this is part of why I realized that I needed to reach out and find a way to come up with this money, because I will die before I'm just startled  enough to just stop."

[she is implying here that she needs proper treatment, she understands that she can't do this on her own]

And you see, all of this is why Sofia inspires me. She's a fighter.

She sets off a spark in me. 

She makes me think of this quotation:

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Nelson Mandela

I wouldn't ask you all to take a moment of your time, and possibly a cent  from your wallet if this didn't mean something. Sofia means something. I know it. 
But she's just one person, right?
What's the point of giving money to just one person?
You might be asking yourself this question. 
I know i did.
Here's the thing, though. While physically yes, Sofia is, in fact, just one person in this universe of ours, she means more than that. 
really, she does. 
Don't believe me?
I see myself Sofia. 
I also see you in Sofia.
Yes, you, you, the one  reading this right at this very moment. 
Sofia represents all of us when we are at the very bottom of our ropes. the end of the line. desperate. pleading. needy.
this, my friends, is not a fun place for anyone to be. But we've all been there. 
I have. I will again. 
You have. And you probably will again, too.
Your low and my low probably don't look the same. 
Maybe the last time you were at the end of your rope, it was because a loved one was sick. Or your dog was lost. Or maybe you lost a job, or a friend, or maybe you just spilled some coffee and stubbed your toe and just wanted a shoulder to cry on.

Was somebody there to help you up?
Really, think about it.
Or did you do fix it, get better, get well, become happier, yourself again all on your own?
Was it the smile of a kind stranger that knocked you back into reality? Or maybe a husbands' firm hug?
Whatever it was, I hope you were not alone. I hope that somebody helped you. I hope that that inspires you to help Sofia. Sofia is in all of us. We just need to see it. 
The question then is, really, will you help yourself?


here's the link to her fundraiser: http://www.giveforward.com/stillfighting


and one last quotation from Sofia:

                       "I really don’t know what more I can do but be totally honest and be persistent…and not 

                       worry about what people think about this persistence [to raise money], because the 

                       persistence is for my life…I can tell you about my passion to help the world, I can tell you 

                       that I understand that I am just one person, no more or less important or special than the 

                       next, but that I also believe we are all worth saving."

with love and gratitude,

Rose

EDIT:
GIVEAWAY IS NOW CLOSED, AS THE TECHNICAL FUNDRAISING TIME IS OVER. If you still feel compelled to promote or donate please, by all means, go ahead. That would be what they might call noble. ;)