Sunday, November 14, 2010

Confessions of a Chocoholic

okay guys.
i might very well have a problem.
i'll let the pictures do the talking.






don't tell me you don't want to eat that.


and these.




and definitely these.
i baked on friday.
it was lovely. i actually was sick on friday and stayed home from school but in the afternoon i got antsy and needed something to do so i decided to make some delicious chocolate chip cookies. Recipe taken from my new favorite blog, Joy the Baker. I actually just read a post by the lovely Rebecca about how baking helps her/ is a good reward/pass-time for her. I wanted to write about that too, although, I'm not sure i could say it more eloquently than she did. 
I love baking. Moreover, I love chocolate and everything i can make/eat/share when i'm baking.
On friday i brought two of my delicious cookies (they turned out better than my chocolate-sourcream muffins...don't worry!) to my dietitian when i went to see her and she told me that she had been craving exactly that all day. I love that feeling. Being able to give to people you care about.
I originally justified my baking on friday because i was making them for my friend K, who was in the fall musical that i went to see on friday and i wanted to bring her something because it's always nice to get a little gift after a performance, non?
I love baking because it lets me feel productive. Often times, with my school work and other things I never really reap the full reward, or feel accomplished or like i've actually done something worth s***.
When i bake, there's a concrete finish that i can see(and taste) for myself and give to other people and that allows me to share my love for other people and hopefully with myself, too. 

I haven't been a "baker" for very long.
In fact, the first time i really started baking was this summer, when i was feeling bored, lonely and at a loss for friends & something to do. Baking really helped me. It gave me a goal and an outlet...dare i say it  , in some ways, replaced some of the functions of my eating disorder?
Perhaps.
I mean, think about it.
I also made pancakes for me & my parents yesterday morning.
Buckwheat double chocolate chip+ just plain buttermilk.
yum.

I know a lot of people with eating disorders who say that their eds made them feel special or that their eating disorder is their "thing". I, personally have never related to this but i know for a fact that a lot of people do. Well baking makes me feel special. When i bake and i give my food to people, i'm giving them something that is all mine. They have me to thank for that delicious taste in their mouths. Not my friends or my enemies or my parents, me. There is something about that that i love. I love the feeling that those particular pancakes (yeah, up there, see them, the incredible mouth-watering, makes -me- wanna -drool- i- need -a-second- breakfast- NOW- ones?) Were mine and only mine. In that very moment, something belonged entirely to me, and their is something very uniquely rewarding about that.

legit foodgasm.
Baking is a time-killer. Its a hobby. And its definitely more fun than running/calorie counting/or bingeing and purging. 
It gives me something im "good at" or something that i can set goals for myself with.
It's a heck of a lot cooler to set myself goals of "Make the Best Chocolate Chip Cookies EVER" than "lose five more pounds", right?
right.


Dinner on friday @ Whole Foods: Incredible Carrot Soup + Savory cheese&something i don't remember scone.
thought i'd show you that i do, on occasion, eat thing that are not chocolate.
 There's also the obvious fuck you that baking is to my eating disorder, and i love/hate it. I made myself a promise recently that i would never, never never ever throw up something that I baked. That's just not cool. When i bake, i put myself into it, and it would just be sinful almost to get rid of that. That would be like giving myself the finger, which is something i try not to do these days. ;)
The lovely Tatianna recently wrote about eating disorder fears + challenging yourself in recovery, and i kept on reminding myself this weekend that my eating what i make/bake is a way to challenge myself. Plus, it's delicious and fun.
Never in my eating disorder would i go to that length to nourish myself with something delicious. I just ate whatever was "safe" for me, or when i was b/ping i ate whatever the hell i could get my hands on. 
Eating pancakes and cookies is freaking hard dude. I love chocolate, and its also one of my biggest fear foods. 
It's for that reason though, that i know its so important to my life that i keep on baking, and eating chocolate when i feel like it, whether that means i have a little bit at breakfast, lunch and dinner, or if i just have it once a day.
I need to be gentle with myself. And i need to challenge myself also.
That's what baking does for me.
Vegan chocolate cake that accompanied above dinner.
Point proven (note my title.)
xo, hope you all had a lovely weekend.
i've been sick and in bed the past two days, so i'm just living vicariously through the other bloggers out there right now ;)
P.S. Do you have any recovery challenges? What about fear foods, do you have any? Have you tried to tackle them or is it just too hard? 
Oh and also, am i the only total chocoholic out there???

13 comments:

  1. I am absolutely a chocoholic but now I go for quality over quantity, i.e. Snickers just doesn't do it for me anymore!

    I'm so sorry you are sick - I hope you are feeling better tomorrow. I think that the cookies would cure any and all of my ailments!! They look amazing.

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  2. This is really empowering, Rose! Being a baker at heart myself, I can really relate to this. Creating something from simple ingredients and being able to share them with people I love gives me such a warm, accomplished sort of feeling.
    ...However, when it comes to me actually eating something I bake, it's a complete no-go. And that doesn't make sense. Why can others enjoy the fruits of my labour but I can't? Why are others allowed enjoy chocolate but I'm somehow an exception?

    I challenged myself recently by eating jellybeans, a treat I had denied myself for a long, long time. And it WAS empowering. The only way it ever gets easier is if we keep doing the things that scare us (our eating disorders). And while we're recovering, why not enjoy ourselves as best as we can?

    Keep baking, Rose. Keep challenging yourself. Keep eating chocolate. Afterall, it's scientifically proved to make us happy ;)

    <3
    Eleanor

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  3. hey lovie,
    first off your photos are so, so good(seriously!) :) and you making me want chocolate! ;) your cookies look AMAZING, those pancakes and the WF dinner and dessert, ummm yum! :)
    anyway, i can SO see how baking is cathartic for you. I really don't think baking is always an ED thing..the professionals and whoever always say "girls with eating disorder cook and bake for others" blah blah ;P BUT if you eat what you made then that is amazing, i know a few girls who i met in IP who were chefs, and now they are recovered, actually my aunt went to pastry school in paris and had Anorexia!!

    okay i am rambling, but the this post was really helpful for me. When i bake, i usually make really too safe things, or if i were to bake something with high fat/normal ingredients i would most likely freak, and not eat what i made. :/

    I want to be able to challenge myself to a bakery cookie, muffin, or an almond croissant(my favorite)- I'll definitely make these things a goal, but gosh, i have So many food fears i must conquer :/ i hate food fears, ugh :/
    you are incredibly inspiring my dear.

    xx love you
    eliza

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  4. I am convinced that home baking makes the best gift in the world! It shows that you care, it shows that you made that little extra effort and that makes all the difference! Those cookies look seriously professional! Congrats!

    Thank you for the shout out :) You are seriously a sweet heart! Congratulations on going that extra mile and pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. I love that baking is such a special experience for you, and I love it even more that you continue to do it regardless of the love/hate hangups that your eating disorder brings into the picture. I am so proud of you… taking care of yourself, not just with the bare minimum but with things that you actually enjoy :)

    I have quite a few challenged left that I need to face before the new year as you know. I determined too :) Thanks for this post because it gave me an extra burst of inspiration!

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  5. hey lovey!
    I am so proud of you for going out side your comfort zone and baking! (ur photography is so good, btw!) That was definitely a challenge and you conquered it, you should be so proud! + those cookies look amazing, and the pancakes too!
    Its so wonderful to find something cathartic while recovering, giving/replacing you that "special" feeling that ED makes you feel you have when your in the grips.
    doing things that YOU enjoy and make you happy is so wonderful and inspiring.
    I have conquered so many fears in the past few years! since i started my blog really. But as of recently i would love to challenge myself to a Starbucks seasonal latte, or a muffin/scone or something from a local bakery. i hate the fears ED instills in our heads :/ we all deserve to be happy and have what we love and enjoy!
    Oh!!.. :) thinking bout it Thanksgiving is coming up! lol..i should make it a goal to have a slice of pumpkin pie...i have not had it in years! :/ but i was so proud of myself in August i had conquered so many fears! -- baked goods! I had an almond croissant for the 1st time in yearssss with my mom, and i was beyond proud of myself :)
    Really shows that overcoming a food fear brings so much pride, after the guilt or anxiety before, i know for me; i start to feel so good about myself. :)

    Love! xx
    maya

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  6. i had a LOT of fear foods, like a long long list but i've been tackling them as much as possible, of course though there's some that seem "too hard"..hopefully someday. chocolate actually was a HUGE fear for me but now, like you, i LOVE It. i can't imagine a day without chocolate at least once in some way shape or form. great job for making yummy chocolate baked goods this weekened :)

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  7. Enjoying chocolate again was one of the best things about beginning recovery. I'm back to feeling guilty and awful when I eat it, but I KNOW that one day chocolate will again be associated with happiness rather than guilt!
    Your stash looks delish!

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  8. thanks Joy! thats a real complement coming from you- i think you're awesome.

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  9. Yes! You need to keep doing the stuff that will earn you some applause and allow you to celebrate yor talents and also to spread love and also fight ED.

    I just...wow. Love.

    So yes. Bake. Photograph. Write. Because you are really good at it.

    Can't answer any of your questions in a comment as that would become a novel.
    I am SO behind with you...but had to drop a comment cause this was just awesome.

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  10. hey lovey!
    I am so proud of you for going out side your comfort zone and baking! (ur photography is so good, btw!) That was definitely a challenge and you conquered it, you should be so proud! + those cookies look amazing, and the pancakes too!
    Its so wonderful to find something cathartic while recovering, giving/replacing you that "special" feeling that ED makes you feel you have when your in the grips.
    doing things that YOU enjoy and make you happy is so wonderful and inspiring.
    I have conquered so many fears in the past few years! since i started my blog really. But as of recently i would love to challenge myself to a Starbucks seasonal latte, or a muffin/scone or something from a local bakery. i hate the fears ED instills in our heads :/ we all deserve to be happy and have what we love and enjoy!
    Oh!!.. :) thinking bout it Thanksgiving is coming up! lol..i should make it a goal to have a slice of pumpkin pie...i have not had it in years! :/ but i was so proud of myself in August i had conquered so many fears! -- baked goods! I had an almond croissant for the 1st time in yearssss with my mom, and i was beyond proud of myself :)
    Really shows that overcoming a food fear brings so much pride, after the guilt or anxiety before, i know for me; i start to feel so good about myself. :)

    Love! xx
    maya

    ReplyDelete
  11. I am absolutely a chocoholic but now I go for quality over quantity, i.e. Snickers just doesn't do it for me anymore!

    I'm so sorry you are sick - I hope you are feeling better tomorrow. I think that the cookies would cure any and all of my ailments!! They look amazing.

    ReplyDelete