Daddy's Little Girl?

It just occurred to me tonight that I will never be able to do enough to please my father.
I had a really good day and was in a good mood when I met him for dinner.
It was at a really great restaurant that focuses on all different ways of serving mussels, which I love.
Our dinner conversation was really okay for the most part. We were getting along.
We ended up talking a lot about college, and a project that I might (note: may or may not) work on this coming year, in regards to my academic interests and so forth. He really loves this kind of conversation because I was open to discussing the project with him, and he thinks (and is probably correct) that if I do later undertake this project, and if I do it well, then I have a better chance of getting into a top-tier school (which is something he has always wanted me to do).
Anyway, this conversation made him really happy, because the man is obsessed with achievement (that's another story) and would like to have a daughter who continues in his "successful" footsteps.
I felt good talking/thinking about this project, too. (Aside from the huge knot of anxiety that was growing in my stomach while I considered all the work it would entail...) 
I was a little mad at him at dinner because as always happens towards the end of our meals, he started getting anxious cause it was late and he wanted to get the check and go home. At this point, he tends to just zone out and seems completely uninterested in me,  and he just sits back and looks bored.
When we walked out, I told him that he was all out of his bread that he likes to have for breakfast, so we went to the nearby supermarket. He's a picky dude, and there wasn't any of the stuff he really likes, so I offered to just get some of it for him tomorrow afternoon, but he said it didn't matter. We finally got in a cab and he was obviously tired, so I offered to walk the dog for him. He said yes, that would be nice. (Even though I've walked the dog twice today so it's technically his turn). 
When we got home, I was feeding Willy before we went out, when Dad came in and started freaking out because there was no cold water in the fridge. I had taken the large bottle with me this afternoon when I went to the park and forgotten to replace it. He started stomping around the kitchen muttering to me about how it's "not fair" and "why do you always take my water?" and "can't you ever do what I ask you to do?" before he just stomped off to his room.
I broke the fuck down.
I went into my room and hysterically for a few minutes.
It occurred to me that I could try and try and try to do everything I thought would make my Dad happy, but it's never going to be enough. Even if I do get into a top school, and act like the nicest, sweetest most loving daughter and do all the chores I can, there's always going to be something that I just can't do to please him. 
In some way, I'm never good enough for him. 
I need to figure out how to just be "good enough" for myself, because otherwise, I'm going to be like a hamster in a wheel, running and running and getting nowhere.
When I came back from walking Willy I literally cleaned up the entire kitchen (it's been getting messier and messier these past few days cause my mom is out of town and I've been procrastinating doing them and my Dad couldn't ever possibly be bothered with something as trivial as dishes!) 
It just makes me sad that I'm never going to be able to please him.
In a way, though, I'm also glad that I have come to my own realization about this finally, because I think (hopefully!) it will save me a lot of suffering in the future.

I can't tell you what it really is

I can only tell you what it feels like.  

This is my general problem, always. I blinded by my emotions over and over again.

When I'm sad, it's like i'm wearing special glasses and all i can see in the world is worthlessness and hate.

When I'm happy, I have no doubts, no fears, no inhibitions, and everything seems to have meaning.

I get so frustrated with this.

Sometimes I just wish that I could be more level-headed- and see the world as it really is (not just through some tinted lens of emotional highs and lows) for once.

I'm not gonna lie- I LOVE the days when life is grand and I'm in my deliriously happy-no one can stop me- world at my fingertips type frenzy. But i'm not sure the highs are worth it when the other half is full of gloom and doom and no way out.

I was thinking about all this the other day when I came across a post written by Lesley over at Fatshionista and she was writing "To the sixteen-year-olds of the world"

I think it at least makes light of this whole up & down-ness that is my life, and sheds some seriously needed insight.

Everything to you right now is vivid and surreal and overwhelming. Your life is like a film you’re composing with bandaged hands and serious case of writer’s block. Everything is open to you, though, and little is impossible now, and this will eventually change, so embrace it.

The older you get, the quicker time will pass, like a microcosm of the universe that is expanding faster and faster as everything flies away from everything else. Today things that are a month away seem impossibly distant, but when you are twice your current age a month will become a devastatingly brief period, surely not long enough to do everything you need to do before then, surely not. At this future time you may look back on these days wistfully, longingly; or you may look back and think, “There is no amount of money in the world that could compel me to be 16 again, not for a day, not for an hour.” Either way your experiences and choices now will have profoundly shaped the person you become.

You will, slowly, cease to feel everything so acutely. Pain will hurt less, but joy will be more fleeting. Injustices that once seemed outrageous and blinding will fade into the grey background noise of life. Some of you will be relieved to leave this behind; some of you will fight ferociously to chase after your enthusiasm and your rage and to not let it slip out of view over the horizon.

Do not forget your friends from these days, but do not let them be the only friends you keep over your life. Someday you will look back at the people you knew and the things you did and shake your head with sheepish embarrassment, but hopefully with sympathy for your younger, stupider self. It is okay to be stupid. It is okay to not know what you’re doing. It is sublimely okay to make mistakes and cause catastrophes, so long as you learn from them.

Do not hate yourself. Have regrets, engage in second-guessing, be insecure, scared, desperate, lonely. But do not hate yourself. Do not hate your body, because whatever about it bothers you today will seem patently ridiculous years from now. Do not punish yourself, mentally or physically, for failing to look a certain way; for not striving to be an athlete or a model; for being socially awkward; for never quite living up to the expectations others set for you. Do not punish anyone else. Even the most confident and popular among you struggle with insecurities and pressures, no matter what you say. Be kind.

This is a magical time of your life. I don’t mean a sparkling Disney magic, but a cataclysmic wrath-of-god magic. Everything is changing, all of the time, but years from now it will seem nothing is changing, ever, and change will only come through a whole lot of effort, or with resistance, or with crisis. In the meantime, eat ice cream, listen to music that speaks to your soul, go on long pointless late-night drives to nowhere with your friends, windows down. Walk in the rain. Wear whatever you want, even if people stare. Have fun. Be safe. Most importantly: have fun.

I think a lot of this roller-coaster-ness is really normal in recovery. Even for those who are no longer the "sixteen-year-olds" of the world- eating disorders delay maturation- when you give it up, you are essentially making up for all of those years that you weren't really living, or really feeling, anyway.


Sorry for not posting for so long! I was on vacation with my familia in the wonderful City of Angels in CA- and I was so busy and excited that I didn't have time for the blog world but I'm back and happy to be in my own bed again. (Willy is too- his smelly, unwashed-dog-self is conked out by my feet, ensuring that my favorite purple blanket isn't lacking in the fur department)
I forgot to take pictures on my trip (GRR- I'm so mad about this!). But I think i'm going to go buy an actual (read: not my phone) camera tomorrow - so get ready for excitingness. :)
Anyway, I hope everyone is doing well, and enjoying the last few days of summer. Here's to tomorrow, and to hoping that we can see beyond our glasses, or we at least get rose-tinted ones.

Simplification or...Why I Hate Facebook

Sometimes I really wish i were a boy.
If i were a boy, (cue popular Beyonce song) maybe I wouldn't take everything so damn seriously all the time. (Note: the sentence that I just wrote basically beats every line of that entire song)
Really, though.
You know when you go on Facebook, and your news feed comes up and it tells you like everything that every single person you have ever met has been doing over the past few days!? Well, sometimes this is fine and whatever, and I just skip to the parts that I'm interested in and get on with my life. But sometimes, this really sucks.
I went on Facebook today and my least favorite thing happened. Pictures from a party with lots of my old friends came up.
I hate this.
Not because I hate looking at dumb pictures of my friends playing beer pong
More so because...nobody told me there was a party going on.
See, i haven't really been connected to my old friends for a while, because I went to boarding school (in hopes of separating from my family, and thus doing better with my ED) and then off to treatment this year. So, all of the people who i was really close with are now going to be seniors and I'm just kinda going back this year, sorta an outcast. It really sucks. And to make it worse, my best friend in the whole world and I, let's call her M, are, well, no longer friends.
I never thought I would be one of those people to be like "yeah, I lost friends to my eating disorder."
I thought that only happened if you were like a raging, psycho anorexic bitch who like threw temper tantrums when your friends tried to get you to eat a bagel, or something. (No offense or anything to anyone who ever did that...) I never thought that my friends would just like, ya know, get sick of me. But i realize now that when I was really sick i was kind of a major pain in the ass. So yeah, I've lost my best friend.
Anyway, back to Facebook, naturally, I looked at this album over and over again and analyzed every single picture. I looked at my friends (or exes) facial expressions and tried to determine if they were having fun or not, and more narcissistically, if anyone had ever thought of inviting me.
I like to call this- One of The Ways that Rose implements Blatant Self Torture.


I saw this picture the other day- and kind of liked the way that everything was (humorously, of course) reduced to a simple equation.

(My personal favorite is Modern Art...)

I really wish that I could just give myself a break sometimes, and just not over-think everything. (Hint: Food & Weight?!)
I think a lot of the ways in which I torture myself have to do with how I analyze everything to death.
Hence, the title of this blog.
I spin and spin and spin in my head until I can't anymore, and then I settle on some conclusion that make me feel like a worthless piece of shit anyway.
So maybe I should get out of the habit of doing that, yeah?
Anyway, just thought I'd share that, because I'm pretty sure that it's something lots of us have in common.
xxx
Rose

Jew Eat?

What I think of every time someone asks me the age-old annoying question "Did you eat yet?"
Gotta love Woody.
And if you haven't seen Annie Hall yet, watch it immediately. 


That is all.
xoxo

At least all my friends aren't dead

Today was my first day of freedom - cause my internship ended yesterday and I totally made the most of it! I have some pics to share from my summer frolics. 
First, I met my mom at Shake Shack- kind of like a nice, fast-foody burger joint. It's a new one that opened a couple weeks ago on the UES, and it was very exciting!
It was still busy and bustling when we walked in for lunch, even though it was already 4 pm
(Recently, since it's brand-new, there's been a line down the block around actual lunch time. Plus, I had a doctor's appointment and that woman can talk but that's another story)

They have very basic stuff on the menu, burgers, hot-dogs, fries and shakes. I got a "Shack Burger" which is basically just a cheeseburger with "shack sauce" (kinda some like chipotle mayo type thing, i think)

They give you one of those cool buzzer things that start flipping out when you're food is ready :) And the decor was so cute! (check out the engraving on the table!)

My food was de-lish. I've had the fries there before, but never gone all out and gotten a burger. It was awesome. My mom got vanilla custard with caramel sauce. And then took a picture of me with my "black&white" shake. So yum!!! (Ignore my squinty eye "ow flash"-smile)

After, we went to Barnes & Noble cause it's right next door, and we're book freaks. (who isn't?) I picked up a book that I think is totally awesome, and just had to share it. 

A few of the other pages...

Aww! I almost simultaneously laughed and cried at this one

Teehee!

No comment here...      ;)
I thought this book was great just cause it kind of gives us a chance to laugh at ourselves. It's sad but also hilarious and totally lifted my spirits when I saw it. It gives you a chance to laugh at the human condition, the inevitable loneliness that everyone will feel from time to time. On one of the pages towards the end, the tree shares some words of wisdom...

It says: "Sometimes I feel alone. Some days are long and hard. But when I look out into the world, I am struck by the impossible beauty of it all. Those billions of magnificent accidents that lead us to where we are today, that lead us to paper planes and nautilus shells and the tiny, crooked smiles of children. When I think about all the small imperfections of the world, I have faith that my time will come. I have faith that some day, a warm light will flood over me and I will find peace." 

I found this really touching. It made me feel less lonely.
The next page was this...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Ah god! So anyway, after B&N I went home and vegged for a while. Then went out to dinner with some friends at this really good asian fusion place. Afterwards we were right by it so we of course had to go to Magnolia for dessert! Magnolia cupcakes are SO pretty, how can you not take a picture of them?!

And since it was our last night together, before he goes back home for school,  Blake and I took a pic together of us with our cupcakes...

It's a good thing, too, because immediately after i subsequently dropped mine on myself

It's okay, don't worry, I saved it. And just ate the chocolate frosting off my bracelet...Shh!!!

So yeah, all in all, it was a pretty good day. 

I'm just getting ready for my big LA trip next week- can't wait!

Goodnight loves!

xoxo

Rose

P.S.

Ever wonder what happened to the dinosaur from the cover of the book?

The Safety of Treatment

This post is gonna be a micro-post, cause it's sort of past my bedtime ;)
I just wanted to share this link. 

It speaks to something I have talked about before here, most directly.

I'm tired right now and not gonna post anything else, maybe tomorrow. 

<3

View from the Outside

I saw this picture tonight.
And it perfectly describes a lot of things that went on for me today.

image from 'weheartit'
A lot of times, I feel like I'm just holding my life together at the seams, and that everything could fall apart at the drop off a hat.
I had a family session this morning, and it was really hard and brought up a lot of stuff (fear, sadness) for me. Basically, I'm really worried about this upcoming school year (or 2 school years, but I'm trying to take it one year @ a time right now). I am really nervous and not sure how I'm going to hold everything together. My eating disorder was my coping mechanism for a life that I felt was unbearable. But now I'm back in what sometimes seems like an unbearable life again but without that mechanism. So yeah, sometimes I do feel like the sky could fall in at any moment.
Today, I also spent a lot of time thinking about  a friend of mine who is having a really rough time right now (not with ED stuff, only but with a lot of other things). Then I talked with her on the phone and felt like I needed to keep reminding her that life is not always going to be this hard. She's just going through a rough patch, and can't see a way out right now, but I really believe that things are going to work out for her. I need to have hope for her right now, when she can't have it for herself. I just kept telling her "things are going to be okay" over and over and over again.* I knew that she needed to hear that, she needs someone to believe in her right now. I'm not her right now, I'm not going through the emotional roller-coaster she must be on, so it's easier for me to see the situation with more clarity. 
It really is like when someone is on an actual roller-coaster. When you're strapped into that seat and going a zillion miles an hour, you have no idea where it's going to turn next or when you'll be flipped upside down. But when someone is down below, watching their friend on the coaster- waving (and thanking god that they just stick to the teacups), they can see where the roller-coaster ends, where it curves and turns, because they aren't stuck in a fast-moving whirlwind. 
After getting off the phone with L, I realized that I just need to keep telling myself the same things I was telling her- that things are going to be okay. And just because you can't see that in the moment, doesn't mean it's not true. Just because a solution isn't in your immediate view, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Sometimes it just takes time to get there. Moral of my long-winded story? I need to calm the F*&^$ down and just trust that I'm going to be okay this year, and the sky isn't gonna fall in.
Its funny how it is so much easier to think and see clearly when you are on the outside, when it's not your own problem. I guess this is why people can't do this (and by this i mean everything- recovery, life) on their own, they need the clarity that comes from the outside.

*I really do believe that we can change the way we respond to situations if we change the way we think about them first. I asked her to try writing that statement ^^^above multiple times, even if she doesn't believe it. It's like how in order to change your body image, you need to just keep telling yourself that you think you are beautiful, until you actually believe it. In order to affect change, we need to change from the inside out- not the other way around. There must be studies done on how thought + brain patterns change based on simple repetition - right? I know that the whole 'body image' thing must work because I remember a point when I was younger when I specifically taught myself to keep thinking I was fat. Clearly- it worked. 

Holden is wrong

My night ended up being okay.

The reason? Relationships.

R (my therapist from my old tx center) called me at around 9, right as we were all finishing dinner.

It was so nice to talk to her, even though it wasn't for long.

I think it just made it more clear to me how so much of everything that i'm struggling with right now has a lot to do with my loneliness. 

I love her so much.  I love just being on the phone with her. I always feel so connected and understood. I told her everything that has been going on with me and she said that it made her really sad to think of me, walking to the gym today, crying because I was so lonely and thinking that going to the gym was all I could do to avoid that. 

 She's so crazy also. She started telling me about how she's recently become obsessed with HGTV. Like, what? Ha, that's why I love her. She's just so real. She's such a friend. After I talked to her I didn't want to throw up anymore. Having that relationship is more important to me than throwing up.

I just finished re-reading The Catcher in the Rye. Oh god how I love that book. Holden Caufield, such a sad guy. There's this part where he goes into a phone booth and realizes that he has no one to call. That's how I feel most of the time.  Like I  just want somebody to talk to, somebody to feel connected to, but then I look in my phone and I can't think of anyone who would really want to talk to me at that moment. In the last line of the book Holden says "I think I even miss that goddamn Maurice. It's funny. Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody". 

That's wrong though. That's Holden's (and my) fear. That if you get close to people you're going to miss them too much, because you will lose them. But part of recovery is learning how to open up and let people in, even if it's scary. You have to take the risk that you will miss them and feel lonely sometimes, like I did this morning (and like I do most of the time, quite frankly). But you have to do it anyway. You have to love people and let them love you. That's all you can do. 

In which I am honest

So, most of my posts lately have been more general about recovery and semi-vague.
While this was not intentional, I'm realizing that my blog is VERY vague and doesn't really cover my day - to- day struggles at all. I don't have a problem with this fundamentally, but I do know myself well enough to pitch a guess that I have done this subconsciously, so that I don't have to talk about my struggles.
They need to be talked about. 
I really am great at avoiding answering questions about my health/ed/symptomage (WHICH SHOULD, BTW, TOTALLY BE A WORD! ;) ) directly. Even with my closest friends who I always feel comfortable talking with, I tend to find ways to spend our phone calls talking about them or about all the things I have been doing rather than all of the issues I am having. 
So, I'm going to try to avoid falling into that pattern on here. 
This blog needs to be a place of freedom and truth. It's a respite from the real world, from all the mistakes that I normally make. It's a place to improve myself and reflect, and learn how to grow. So, for the sake of full disclosure, here we go.


I have been having a really hard time symptom-wise. It has definitely been up and down. Some days are great and my food is fine and I feel totally okay about it. Other days I am stuck in my head, with my ED torturing me until i break down and purge or restrict or binge or whatever. So it's hard to say exactly where I am. Because it changes constantly. Bulimia is a fucking roller coaster and it's never stable, hence it's very difficult to describe. 
I've been totally honest (as I always am) with my treatment team about everything that is going on. And I really do feel like I am moving in the right direction. My ultimate goal is still to be ED symptom & thought free, and I don't feel like I'm headed downward- I just feel all over the place.
Yesterday was rough. I had an appointment with my dietitian. And all of the sudden, as I was leaving (and thought i was getting away unharmed!) she was like "let's get your weight." bugger. 
I think the past week has been a mixture of chaotic eating & random purging and I was feeling really really bloated and heavy yesterday. so totally not a day that I wanted the scale pulled on me. Not that I'm allowed to see my weight when she weighs me, but, it doesn't matter in terms of the damage done. Just stepping on the scale fucks me over. Add that to the fact that I can tell by how L reacts whether I've gained or lost or stayed the same. Really, I can. And I knew that I'd gained. So i basically felt like shit all day yesterday. And then today I woke up, ate 2X a normal breakfast, and went to the gym. Note: i hate the gym. I hate the gym so much. It's my least favorite place in the world. It makes me so miserable. Whenever I'm at the gym I spend the whole time berating myself in my head, staring at all the people who are thinner than me, and being frustrated that I am so awful, ugly, fat , _insert mean word here__. 
Of course, at the gym, there is a scale. I weighed myself this morning. What a disaster.
Then, afterwards, I went to yoga. I did feel a little bit of peace during my yoga class, which was a huge relief, but as soon as we were in shevasana, my head was spinning again.
Just now I had to go to lunch with my family and a bunch of guests who are at our beach house this weekend. I was ravenous and totally overate. Then on the way home, I  got in a fight with my mom about how she always thinks of me as this incompetent, lazy girl who she has to prepare for the realities of life (...more on that later, in a different novel post) And then i purged. 
I'm feeling terrible. Weekends are so hard. 
I have nobody to call. Except my therapist...and that's a different story...


At least I'm being honest here, and with myself?! 
Hope everyone is having a better weekend than I am!
xxx
Rose

The Hardest Part

The hardest part of recovery is not the food. It is not eating three meals (and some snacks) every day.
It is not choosing whether or not to have cereal, a bagel, or oatmeal in the morning. It is not deciding whether or not to go for that extra walk, to push yourself hard, even when you're exhausted.
It's also not body image. It's not trying to love myself as I am right now in this moment in this flesh, and not X amt of pounds lost from now. It's not calming myself down when I see someone thinner than I am, who I want to look like.
The hardest part of recovery is facing the truth. It's facing the reality of the situations that brought you to the eating disordered hell that you are trying so hard to escape. It's taking a good, long, almost-blinding look at the painful things that food, exercise & body image were distracting you from.
The hardest part of recovery is looking life squarely in the face, seeing it for what it's worth, and accepting it as is, unconditionally.
For me, that truth has a lot to do with the love that I haven't gotten from the people around me. The pain that I am avoiding with food and weight obsessions is the pain of knowing that sometimes people don't love me the way I want to be loved.
It's the reality that sometimes- no-  most of the time, life is not exactly what we want it to be. People aren't who we want them to be, and our choices are not always the best.


Recovery is looking disappointment square in the face, and then eating and keeping your fucking food anyway.

In which the truth is simple and sad

It's really pretty basic.
I woke up in the middle of the night "wanting" to binge &amp; purge
I just realized, though, that food is not at all what I want.
I want love.
I want someone to hold me really tight and to mean it.
I want a real mom and a real dad who really love me, unconditionally.
I want someone to give me a back-rub and kiss me on the forehead and tell me that everything is going to be okay.
The truth is, I just want love.

Back to Basics (i.e., reaching out)

I don't know if it's just me...
But i have a really hard time reaching out for help when I'm struggling.
Three reasons why I can't reach for the phone when I'm either crying hysterically/about to purge/cut or just generally in distress:
1. I don't want to burden/bother/waste the time of the person I am calling
2. I convince myself that I am fine/ my current problem/situation doesn't warrant any attention
3. Part of me would rather just go through with one of my self- destructive behaviors, and calling would mean that I would be "giving that up".


My therapist, D, has been asking me to please call her when I'm having a hard time. My problem with this is that I don't really know what i would define as a "hard time". I told her that for me there's no grey area, and having a hard time basically means "about to jump off a bridge" (and I, luckily, don't find myself looking down at the Brooklyn skyline often- 'cept when I'm in the car) 


But tonight, after what i would classify as a really shitty weekend, I came home and was doing the whole crazy debate in my head about whether or not to binge&purge. I was feeling really lonely and unloved and hopeless. I had ordered a ton of food that I didn't really want and was curled up in a ball on my bed, waiting for the buzzer to ring. 
On a whim, I called her. Actually, it was a little more than a whim- I tried to imagine that i was in her shoes, that i was a therapist (as I do REALLY want to be one day) and I had a patient who was struggling, and how i would feel if they called me late on a Sunday night to ask for help. 
I decided that I would want me to call, so i picked up my phone, hit the send button, and closed my eyes, awaiting my (awkward) fate. Her answering machine picked up (and after a five- second {aka an eternity} long pause when I was deciding whether it would be rude to just hang up) I left the awkwardest of all awkward messages and quickly hung up. 
She called me back basically thirty seconds later. I hesitantly answered and told her what was going on.


I have to say, it wasn't as terrible as i thought it was going to be. I mean, she basically spoke and sounded just like i had imagined, but I didn't feel as awful as I thought I would. It was kind of nice to be one the phone with someone and just have them know what was going on with me. 
After I hung up, the food arrived and I panicked. I put on a movie and tried to eat normally but was so freaked out by the type & quantity of the food I had gotten that I ended up eating a lot really really fast. Afterwards i was pissed and upset and wanted to purge. I made a pros and cons list and then decided to just waste time by calling people for a little bit. I ended up calling my friend L and talking to her for a while. By the time I hung up I didn't even want to purge anymore (physically & mentally). 


Moral of the story? Reach out when you're struggling! 
I bet you never heard that one before, right!? 
In all seriousness though, I do think it makes a big difference to figure stuff out on your own, even if it's stuff that you know intellectually because people have been telling it to you since day one. I mean 'reach out' or 'call a friend' is basically eating disorder treatment 101, but sometimes, i guess, we have to just re-start with the basics.